I was a SKINNY KID!

The End of the "Pre-Beginning" and Beginning of the End

2011-11-26T19:53:00.000-08:00

Confusion is my middle name (or it might as well be since I don't really have one). I have been training with Steve again since the middle of June this year. Results over 5 months: ????. It was VERY VERY slow going. I don't know that my mind was 100% in it right away and I felt Steve wasn't either. Without revealing every raw detail about what was going on in either of our lives, we have both been going through some transitional times, although similar, not connected in anyway. The outcomes, also extremely different, and will still require much more time for either of us to be back in the groove. It has been very frustrating from the training perspective but I really can't blame one person or thing specifically as it's been a tough year. This bizarre time I now dub the "pre-beginning" and I've officially declared yesterday the End Of It!!

I also began working completely full time at Squire in January of this year. Two years ago, I had time to work out, shop, cook, get adequate sleep; had one less child and Jackson was a fairly self-sufficient preschooler (i.e. no diapers); my mom living with us and as a workout buddy (and a strange point of "intensity measurement", I'll have to explain later) and much less stress in my life. I've had a very difficult time balancing my life now in order to get the sleep I need, eat correctly and get in all my exercise.

This is going to be a difficult "beginning" but none the less, one I'm going to fight with a vengeance until it's beat. And I kind of take back the ???? results measurement. I have no idea how much my weight, body fat or measurements have changed in the past 5 months as we have only taken measurements once. I am down a size or two since we began and without a doubt much stronger and have more endurance than I think I left off with before I had to stop over 2 years ago. Working out hasn't been so much of a burden (hope you're not reading this Steve!) as trying to fit it in. I'm hoping with a change in my sitter (thanks Tory and Maria, so happy you are it!), that balance can be achieved because that will free up more time to hit the gym.

By my calculations from my previous successful attempt (before life as I knew it was permanently turned upside down by proving infertility doctors wrong), I was able to lose about 2 lbs and 1/4% body fat per week over the course of 16 weeks. I actually have a date that I need to work towards (the occasion to be announced later, it is still in the works. Although it will hit right before tax season ends, what's one more roadblock anyway?!). So keeping in mind the barriers that will hinder my progression, I am hoping to lose 30 pounds by April 7, 2012. That works out roughly to be 1.58 pounds a week for the next 19 weeks, not quite 2 pounds as before but I still think will be a challenge. This will be the "beginning" of the end and then I will set a new goal at that time. I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to be under 150 pounds by Memorial Day (26 weeks) and be able to enjoy our Seven Peaks passes fully without wanting to hide myself when school is out. That would require a bit more than 1.58 pounds a week but here's to hoping and not getting hung up on expecting....

Afterthought: To state "tough year" for me would be an outright understatement and I will be SO HAPPY to wish 2011 a hasty and readily goodbye. Personally, so much sadness, frustration, confusion, anger, loneliness, uncertainty and tears... lots and lots of tears. Among everything else, both my grandmas passed away (guessing also my last living grandpa soon to follow) as well as a client I was working fairly close with. There has been a lot of death this year, I've lost count how many funerals I've been to. So many people I know have lost jobs, their savings and their homes due to the economy and/or very strange natural disasters (flooding, tornadoes, fires) and even health issues. I think it would be ignorant to believe that our nation is doing well and so many people and businesses are down-hearted. I've never followed politics much but I will be very interested to see where things go in the next year before the election. Mitt Romney is up in the polls to be elected president, the attacks on members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints have been ongoing but in my eyes, not widely accepted. I really hope the US will think with their hearts and not so much with their pocketbooks next year!

Back At It...Wishing and Hoping!

2011-03-08T23:23:00.000-08:00

I could just kick myself!

I was just thinking how quickly time has gone and that Paige will be 1 year old next month (April 16th). I don't know if any other mothers have felt a strange sadness when you realize that those baby moments are disappearing and it just makes my heart break. I read through my blog and have forgotten so many of the details of my pregnancy. I am actually amazed at myself for having these experiences and then the posts end... what else happened?!!! How did the rest of the pregnancy go? How was the birth? And the cause for my intense sadness - all the baby moments! From our experiences in the hospital to her growing and developing and all the milestones!!!????? Why hadn't I recorded all this?!! I am kicking myself now!!!

Well, thank goodness for my very anemic Facebook page, I was recording some things there. And I was very vigilant (obsessed, really!) about taking pictures nearly weekly of her developing. It will never really make up for the feelings and smells (I love the smell of Luvs diapers and her after a bath with Aveeno Lavender wash and lotioned all up!) and touch (her chubby legs and when she would grab my finger - even nursing!) every other emotion I was feeling but I am now on a mission to try and remember and post what I can. I'm sure this is mostly all for me. I'm guessing most of my readers have long since given up on any updates but now after realizing I don't have that journal, I'm sad that I didn't do it!! When Jackson was a baby, I kept copies of all the letters we wrote to his birthmom his first year of life. Gotta get going again so I don't forget our wonderful (and not so wonderful) times!

Not going to set any type of deadline to get it all done (I can't deal with pressure right now!) but I'm hoping that just writing it down that I'm going to do it, will get the ball rolling...!

Week 29 - Feb 22 - The Start of Childbirth Classes

2010-02-28T05:00:00.000-08:00

It's been quite the eventful week. And mostly while I'm working to drag myself through it. I haven't been too successful taking my prenatals because they usually come right back up no matter what time of the day I take them. Unfortunately, the lack of iron and folic acid is leading to a case of anemia. My energy levels are nearly non-existant! It's going to be a vicious cycle to get my levels back up. Because with the nausea comes dehydration and iron causes blockage, I'm have other symptoms that are causing trouble!! I've been trying to eat more meat, spinach, citrus and broccoli in hopes of alleviating a lot of problems!! I have a Dr's appt next week and they will be doing a few blood tests to check all those things.

I finally made an appt to have a maternity massage. Since I'm carrying her so far into my back, her weight is settled on everything internal. My sciatic nerves, lower back and neck have just about had it!! I definitely waited too long as I think I hurt more after than when I went in. I scheduled a few more follow up visits and hope I can get feeling better before I deliver! I was sad that Jeremy, my massage therapist while I was training had left where he used to do massage. But I've found a new place and love it!

And speaking of delivery, I"M SCARED TO DEATH of childbirth!! I'm sure that I've become more of a worrywort as I get older but there are so many problems that could happen, it just freaks me out! Part of my infertility issues involved some cervical problems and I'm worried that it won't cooperate. Which could result in a C-Section and then the Dr. would have to cut through my severe endometrial scarring which could cause excess bleeding. Now is the time to really have faith and know the Lord will be looking out for us!

We started our 4 week Pre Natal classes this week. Gratefully, I was able to be at the birth of my brother's 3rd baby. (Although Erin made it look so easy and her midwife was amazing!). The first class was fairly low key but going over the stages of labor certainly don't make things any better!! Next week we will watch a few live births, I'm so curious how Scott will hold up!

And sadly, Scott's aunt Carol (his mother's sister) passed away this week, more unexpected than his dad's death. It's so hard to see them go and so many all at once!

Week 28 - Feb 15 - It's Getting Closer!

2010-02-21T05:00:00.000-08:00

I'm now seeing the Dr. every two weeks. That's a bit sooner than most women start the two week schedule but my blood pressure has been a bit high, my ankles have been swelling and with the nausea and my freakish worries, the Dr. thought it best. My next appointment, they will do some more blood work.

But, I’m hanging in there. Things really aren’t too bad, just dealing with the little things that are day to day. I’m still having a hard time sleeping because my muscles and joints are not happy sleeping on my side. And I’ve noticed I’m more fatigued than usual, don’t know if it’s from not sleeping well or just where I’m at in my pregnancy.

I’ve been working more than normal which is good because it keeps my mind off all those little discomforts mentioned above. I don’t get tired working at the computer but picking up the house just nearly wipes me out! I’m finally starting to show a bit, I think my total weight gain is about 8 pounds but I’m feeling it pick up a bit. Which it should if she’s gaining the ½ pound a week from here on out.

For Valentines, we ended up going to two shows last Friday night and went up to Park City on Saturday to shop a little without Jackson. Scott’s mom took him those days so we just did what we felt like. I found a few things at the Motherhood store there that were really cheap. I kept telling the store lady I didn’t want to spend a lot since this would probably be a onetime thing and I only have less than 3 months left. But I’ll be hopefully helping more at Squire with tax season so I needed a few more pairs of slacks and shirts that would cover them!

Week 27 - Feb 8 - This Baby is Growing Even if It Seems I'm Not!

2010-02-14T05:00:00.000-08:00

I know most people would be pleased to hear comments like, "When are you going to start looking pregnant?" or " You are so small", or even "Are you still pregnant?" when their belly is hardly showing at 27 weeks. My weight gain this far has only been 6 pounds, thanks to my constant nausea and how most foods don't agree with me anymore. I've been noticing more pregnant bellies than ever before and I know everyone carries babies differently but honestly, I don't look pregnant yet. Just a bit like my old overweight self. My chest has definitely taken over but it sure covers what little bump I have. It will be interesting to see what happens in the the next 12 weeks!!

Oh, and I'm in my third trimester!! Never thought in my wildest dreams I would be uttering such wonderful news!!

Week 26 - Feb 1 - And the Nausea Returns Again...

2010-02-07T05:00:00.000-08:00

I had another Dr's appt and the according to the Dr., the baby is growing right on schedule. He hasn't done an ultrasound for some time and I have been a bit concerned about the pressure I've been having in my pelvis. Since I have had cervical problems in the past, I am getting concerned that the placenta was starting to cover my cervix. He did do an ultrasound but just to look at the distance between the placenta and the cervix which was a good enough distance apart that he wasn't concerned. Her head, though, was planted at the the very bottom of the placenta so he said he could understand the pressure I was having.

They also did my glucose test. I was very concerned how that would go since eating much sugar gets the nausea going real quick. In fact, I was wondering if I was going to be able to keep it down. That is some nasty stuff, and had to be taken on an empty stomach. But it came out normal! One worry down, no gestational diabetes to have to deal with!

I was a bit dehydrated though, big surprise. The nurse had a hard time finding a vein and butchered my arm pretty good.

Week 25 - Jan 25 - Let the Nursery Planning Begin!

2010-01-31T05:00:00.000-08:00

I have a dear friend who offered to give me a baby shower!! I can't even say how excited I am!!! I did have a shower before Jackson came but this will be just even more sweet and real since I'll have a baby bump to show off!! I actually went in and picked out a crib and bed set and am getting so excited!! It was a lot of fun to plan for Jackson to come, we were just so excited to become parents. They have a ton of cute things for baby boys but let's face it, shopping for little girls is so much more fun!!! And what's even more crazy is that we had ended up giving away most of Jackson's baby things because I thought if we ever got another it may have been more of an adoption and possibly older than a newborn. I always knew in the back of my mind we would be more than a family of 3 but I was just trusting the Lord and taking it as it would come. I did keep a lot of Jackson's clothes but I was baby blue all the way with him. I went through a lot of his clothes and pulled out a few things that were somewhat unisex in yellow or green. But he certainly was dressed as a boy!!

And everything now is pink, pink, pink! We're going to put this in a room that is painted a suede brown so imagine it without the pink walls. We are so in trouble if the nurse was wrong and this is a boy!!

Week 24 - Jan 18 - Funeral for Grandpa

2010-01-24T05:00:00.000-08:00

John's viewing was Sunday and his funeral was on Monday, January 18th. Everything was beautiful and went very well. I really hadn't cried much but the funeral put me over the top. I was greatful that John was no longer suffering but remembering so much from the past and his life just makes you miss them even so much more. I was telling Jackson's preschool teacher that his grandpa had passed away and that he might have a hard time and then I completely lost it when she was saying they announced it in church and she knew. I was holding it together so well and hardly shed a tear except at the funeral service for the whole weekend. But I also wasn't sleeping much and my body had had enough!! I think you just go into survival mode when there is a crisis but in the end, you'll end up hitting a wall! Scott's mom asked Scott to dedicate the grave and even though he struggled preparing for it, it was beautiful. Scott has seemed to come to peace with losing his idol.

Jackson has handled everything really well. He sure stuck around Grandpa and the casket and wanted to be part of everything. He even walked with the pallbearers into the chapel for the service and to the grave, despite his mother's best efforts to corral him away from them. I hope he will remember much of it. We did name him after his grandpa: John Jackson Jolley. Jackson even means son of Jack/John.

I spent a large part of this week with Joanne. The family is wondering how well she will do alone in the house without John, but she seems to really be doing well. We started looking at headstones and getting the design ready.

I am actually feeling quite well with the pregnancy and thinking this isn't so bad!

Week 23 - Jan 11 - Dedication to John E. Jolley

2010-01-17T05:00:00.000-08:00

It has been a sad week for us. Scott's dad passed away on Thursday, January 14th, 2010 just short of his 75th birthday. Even though it was expected, it was really hard on Scott. He has been nearly unconsolable for days and just so sad. His dad was his hero and I know that there will still be moments he will wish he has his dad there for advice and comfort. Scott was really hoping that John would have been around for our baby to born but the timing was just not right. We have been interested how Jackson has been handling this. He got some fish and a fishtank for Christmas and a few days before John passed, one of the fish died. He was crying and we had to coax him out from under his bed to explain that happens and that his fish was in a better place. It was kind of a blessing because he actually seemed to understand that Grandpa's spirit was no longer with us but in a better place. (And no, we weren't going to flush Grandpa's body down the toliet.)

John was someone I loved and deeply respected. He was/is a wonderful man who lived his life to the fullest and was such a great man. I mostly admired him for how he treated his wife like a queen and had the devotion of a father like no one I've known. He was a very wise man and made an impression on so many. We will miss you so much Grandpa!

Here was his obiturary:
John E. Jolley, Jr. "Sonny" 1935-2010 John E. Jolley, Jr., age 74, passed away peacefully at his home on January 14, 2010. John was born on January 24, 1935 in Bingham Canyon, Utah to John Elroyd and Beth Beckstrom Jolley. He married Joanne Smith, the love of his life, on December 9, 1957, in the Salt Lake City LDS Temple. John graduated from Lehi High School where he was student body president and lettered in track, football, and basketball. He attended Weber State College on a basketball scholarship and served in the Central States LDS Mission. After his mission John joined the Utah National Guard. He enjoyed hunting, fishing, traveling with family, and his horses and dogs. His working years included being a brick mason , Beneficial Life, and owner of Peterson Jolley Realty. John was an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He served as bishop, scoutmaster, and branch president at the MTC. He and Joanne served in the Virginia-Richmond LDS Mission and at the Mt. Timpanogos Temple. He is survived by his wife, their children, Kirk (Lygia), Hanford, CA; Jan (James) Hubbard, Huntsville; Terilyn (Phil) Miller, West Jordan; Scott (Amy), Orem; Michael (Jen), Taylorsville; brothers, Bill (Sharleen), Cedar Hills, Don (Colleen), Lehi, and sister, Julie (Gill) Van Wagoner, North Las Vegas. Preceded in death by his parents; and siblings Leanore Wagstaff, Gary Jolley, and Connie Morgan. Funeral Services will be held Monday, January 18 at 11:00 AM at the American Fork 19th Ward, 1305 North 100 East, American Fork. A viewing will be held Sunday, January 17 from 6-8 PM at Wing Mortuary, 118 East Main Street, Lehi, UT and Monday at the church from 9:45 to 10:45 AM prior to the funeral service. Interment will be at the Lehi Cemetery. www.wingmortuary.com

We have been busy arranging the funeral program, picking out the casket and figuring final arrangements. It's definitely kept any discomforts of this pregnancy off my mind but my ankles have started to swell since I've been up and going constantly.

Week 22 - Jan 4 - The Nausea Returns

2010-01-10T05:00:00.000-08:00

You know the let down you get after Christmas and the January blahs come. Well, I was feeling all that along with thinking I might have to go back on my IV. It first came back every couple of days or so and then every day and then back to several times a day. I refilled my prescription for the Zofran so as long as I have that on hand, I'm generally OK. The baby is quite the mover!

My father-in-law, John, has been suffering from Parkinson's for about 10 years and the past year has been his worst. My mother-in-law has had hospice come in twice a day to bathe him in the morning and put him to bed at night for about 2 months. He had been at a point where he was still aware enough to dispute "paying money" to have them come in. But my mother-in-law, Joanne, was smart and kept them coming. There was no way she was able to lift him and help him do those things. Well this week, he has taken a turn for the worse and we're pretty sure he will be leaving this life soon. He is now laid up in bed and no longer can speak or eat. It's so hard to see them when their quality of life is over and you are waiting for the day when it's really over. Scott has been handling things fairly well. We are over at their house nearly every day and just trying to make John comfortable. Joanne hadn't really expressed to other family and friends how his days were numbered. Just that he wasn't doing well again. (He had a burst of energy during Christmas and was up and eating, walking and talking). So when others caught wind that this could be it, he has been getting a lot of visitors. The family is praying that he will go but I just wonder if he's laying there thinking who will come visit that day. We love you Grandpa!

Week 21 - Dec 28th - Stomach Flu

2010-01-03T05:00:00.000-08:00

I'm so behind on my blog so I'm going to try and remember the details from the last 8 weeks or so...

So the flu everyone was passing around finally hit me. For most of them it was a 2 day thing, mine lasted a bit longer and I lost about 5 pounds. I didn't realize how the nausea from the pregnancy was not nearly like the flu. Sad to say, I was used to the vomiting but the flu brings other symptoms that knocked me off my feet!

Happy New Year everyone! It's going to be a great year!

Week 20 - Dec 21st - Merry Christmas!

2009-12-27T05:00:00.000-08:00

It was a whirlwind of a week and I could hardly wait for Christmas for Scott to open his surprise! I know he was going to be so excited! He was definitely not expecting it and it was a bit comical. Scott is colorblind and so when he opened the gift from Baby Jolley, he wasn't sure he was looking at a pink outfit. It was a little shirt and pants that said 50% mommy, 50% daddy but I had to point out the picture before he figured it out! I was so proud of myself to be able to pull that off as he was seriously not thinking we knew the sex yet. I had told him on Christmas Eve that the Dr. didn't do the ultrasound (which he didn't!). He had sent me flowers that day with a note saying how excited he was to find out what the baby was and I had to call him and fib a bit. That just about did me in but I hung in one more day. What a wonderful time to be able to celebrate our Savior's birth. I'm finally feeling well and able to have family here to enjoy this season. (We were a little disappointed that the snow we received a few weeks ago had mostly melted and it really didn't snow enough to be able to take the kids sledding. And we were playing flu roulette as I think by the end of the week, just about all of us suffered a one to two day stomach flu that put us completely out of commission! So sorry to our San Diego'ns!)

But I have so much to be grateful for. Mostly for our Savior, Jesus Christ and his gifts of love and sacrifice we all have around us everyday! And for our Heavenly Father who has unconditional love for us all! This pregnancy has grown my testimony that He does loves us and knows us and our needs. I've learned that He does hear our prayers and sometimes the answer is "No", and sometimes the answer is "Not Now". I'm grateful for my wonderful husband who is such a kind, wonderful man and who is also my best friend. I'm grateful for my beautiful little boy Jackson who makes the world a better and interesting place to be. And despite this awful economy, we are blessed to have a home to keep us warm, the income from our jobs and enough for our needs. The blessings are endless!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Week 19 - Dec 14th - IT'S A ....!

2009-12-20T05:00:00.000-08:00

(Dec 17 ultrasound)

I was waiting to post this weeks update as it was to be a surprise. My husband, from the time we found out we were pregnant, has been so excited, to say the least. With all the craziness at the beginning, I wasn't wanting to tell many people too soon because I was so afraid of miscarrying. The cautionary part of me was thinking "what are the chances after 14 years of marriage to conceive for the first time, AND carry the baby full term?!" All of my SIL's have miscarried at least once and I was worried of that happening. Well, when the first trimester was over and I was ready to spill the beans, I found that he couldn't stand not telling our friends and ward members. I would start to tell our news and they would then say, "Oh, yeah, Scott told us you were expecting!". Of course, I'm overjoyed that he is so happy for this and he is such a great dad. But it took the fun out of sharing our news!

Another factor was everyone's predictions on what the baby was going to be. Not one person thought it would be a boy. When I told my good friend Vicky, she said, "It's going to be a girl and I can see her now, red curly hair (we have red on both sides) and in a little white outfit with pink rosebuds!" Wow, really!? And as soon as I told Scott about the positive pregnancy test, he said, "It's going to be a girl!". And Jackson has been referring to the baby as SHE or HER and says it will be a girl because we already have a boy - him! And many others were saying, "You're going to get your girl!" Honestly, at the beginning, I was in so much shock that all I could think was, I hope I can carry this baby and I don't care what it is as long as it's healthy. But the more and more girl predictions came, I started getting my heart set on a girl. I was the only girl with four brothers and although I'm good with boys, I was getting a bit excited to think of having a baby girl. And then thinking of names, I knew right away what we would name a girl but could not for the life of me settle on a boys name. We knew we would name our first boy Jackson years before we found out we were getting him. But I was struggling with another boys name. When I told Scott I think I might be dissappointed if it's a boy, he started telling me he then thought it was a boy, ...and all along I know he is hoping for a girl.

So as the time came closer to when we could find out the gender, I decided this was going to be MY secret. The appointment was set for Dec 17th, and because I try and plan my appointments for when Jackson is in preschool, Scott has only been to one and not at the one when this was scheduled. So when he would ask when the appointment was, I was giving him very vague answers and even told him once it was on Christmas Eve. Then I was planning on buying a outfit that I could wrap and give to him on Christmas from "Baby Jolley" with the gender ultrasound picture in it. Funny thing is, when I went to get an outfit, I only picked up a baby girl one - wishful thinking.

I don't know if every expectant mother or father is as excited as we were to find out the gender and I would never have been one of those who doesn't find out! Considering our circumstances, we could hardly contain ourselves! And Scott had no idea that I couldn't sleep the few nights leading up to the appointment!! I could hardly wait to take Jackson to preschool (and not act too excited, he is as big of a blabber mouth as his dad!) and head to the clinic. I was even 20 minutes early and for anyone who knows me, knows that's a big deal! The technician took me in, started the ultrasound and asked right away if I wanted to know the gender and if I was hoping for one over the other. I told her, "Yes, please!!" And that we were hoping for one but I don't dare say which so I don't jinx it! Where she first placed the ultrasound wand was right where it needed to be and there was no mistake, she said, "Well, you're having a girl!!". Of course, I started bawling, and then asked if she was sure and that there could be no way it was a boy. She showed me exactly what she was looking at and confirmed it was a girl. I hadn't met with this technician before so I had to explain to her our situation and that these were tears of JOY!! When I finally came to, I had a million questions for her: is the placenta attached all around, is the umbilical cord firmly attached, had the fibroid on my right side grown, is her size on schedule and on and on. She was so good to check it all out and answer all my questions even though the baby was moving all over. And she also confirmed one of my fears, she's big! Or I should say tall as her weight was right where it needed to be but that she was already 2 inches longer than where she should be. My brothers wives all have had very big babies (9-10 pounders!) and I'm scared to death of childbirth not to mention a big one! I'm hoping at least she keeps on the path of her daddy's genes and remains thin and tall!

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Turns out, I did have to meet with the Dr. on Christmas Eve as he had to leave on a delivery when I was having the ultrasound done and couldn't do his checkup. I was kind of relieved as I hated having to "lie" to Scott. Even though it wouldn't be to check the gender, I still had to meet with the Dr on that day.

My brother and his family arrived from San Diego the next day and it was killing me to keep this secret. I think I slipped a few times and my SIL figured it out. I think it helped though to be able to tell someone as keeping it from Scott was a struggle.

On a side note, the nausea has ended. I used up all my IV supplies last week, took out the needle and crossed my fingers that it was over. It didn't return, yippeee!! That was a long run and for the first time, I was feeling good during my pregnancy. And other fun news, I can feel her moving, A LOT!!

December 19th - Happy 5th Birthday Jackson!

2009-12-19T05:00:00.000-08:00

My baby is turning 5 today!! Where did the time go?!!! This had to be the easiest photo shoot we have ever had. Years past, he would have a hard time staying focused on the actual picture taking and wanted to play with all their props. But he did fantastic and as always, he looks so much older than he is. And as always, a big ham!!

It's really hard to believe that 5 years ago, today, we had gone to Scott's family Christmas party knowing that Dawn, Jackson's birthmom, had gone into labor that morning and anxiously waiting for Family Services to call to tell us he had been born. We didn't say anything to his family until the evening was starting to wrap up and right after we broke the news, FS called to say he had been born at 6:30 PM. He was due on the 29th so it was fun to know we were going to be able to bring him home before Christmas! It was a long two days before we went and got him on the 21st but I'm so happy that Dawn was able to spend that time with him before she placed him in our arms.

Jackson has been such a blessing in our lives. We never imagined then after 10 years of marriage what this little baby would bring to our family. He has always been a happy, expressive, inquisitive and sweet little boy. He doesn't go a day without telling us he loves us. And he's smart, too smart!! As well as active!! And to believe this kid is not into sugar, I've never had a picture on his birthday of him eating his cake because he doesn't like it!

I've really noticed how much he has matured the past few months. I couldn't be happier with the timing of our next addition. He is so excited for the baby and I know he will be such a big help. I can't say enough how much I love this boy! Happy Birthday Jackson!

Week 18 - Dec 7 - Sleep, The New Challenge

2009-12-13T05:00:00.000-08:00

So, in reading the pregnancy books, since week 16, I should now only be sleeping on my side and not on my back. It's been very difficult for me as I find my back is the most comfortable. It's so strange to sleep on my side and my belly falls to whatever side I'm on. I've noticed my hips and back have been getting achy and I'm feeling them separating a bit. I haven't slept real well for several months now anyway. I have to get up and go to the bathroom sometimes 5-6 times a night (thanks to the IV hydration!). I'm always so paranoid that what I do will hurt the baby and it's been a real anxiety for me! I've tried a body pillow but it's too bulky. Any secrets anyone?

I'm also a bit concerned that I haven't felt the baby move yet. Again those evil pregnancy books say you should start feeling movement between 16 and 20 weeks. Although first timers will feel it more toward 20 weeks and because I'm still a bit overweight it will be more so that way. Come on baby, move!

Good news though - it has finally snowed in Utah County! I LOVE the snow (you can take the girl out of South Dakota, but can't take South Dakota out of the girl! And these Utah snowstorms can't hold a candle to the snow we get in South Dakota!). My little bro and his family are coming for Christmas from San Diego. They both were raised with white Christmas's and was looking forward to the snow. I was starting to stress that we wouldn't have it this year! I'm so happy! Bring on the white stuff!

Week 17 - Four Down, Five to Go!

2009-12-06T05:00:00.000-08:00

Still on the IV. I've had a few days where I had to take the needle out and couldn't get in to the hospital to get it changed because it was the weekend and the nausea returned. I'm really hoping that I won't have to stay on it through the whole pregnancy and I would like to enjoy it some of the time!

But I'll take it as it comes!

Week 16 - Nov 23 - Finally Can Eat!

2009-11-29T05:00:00.000-08:00

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Food still makes me nauseous to think about but towards the end of this week, I have finally been able to eat (mostly mashed potatoes) and keep food down. I'm still on the IV and have been feeling better than I have in weeks!

Thanksgiving was fairly low key and I was happy to be able to eat! Of course, overeating was out of the question since my stomach has shrunk so much but it sure tasted good! I even felt well enough to hit one of the Black Friday sales and get our live Christmas tree and decorate it!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Week 15 - Nov 16 - IV Therapy

2009-11-22T18:57:00.000-08:00

I went into the Dr. for a normal checkup this week and found myself at the hospital on IV fluids. I was so dehydrated that it took them 4 attempts to find a vein. They gave me 2 liters and I still had no need to go to the bathroom after that. I went in the next day and did the same. Fortunately, they can now put my Zofran for nausea in my IV and I don't have to try and take a pill which made me sick to have to take.

The hospital sent me the supplies to do it at home on the 3rd day and I was a bit nervous to hook everything up myself. Fortunately my good friend who is also a nurse came over and helped me the first time at home. From there I was able to do it alone. It really isn't that difficult and I've been feeling so much better! The worst part is having to keep the IV start in your arm 24/7 but worth it to be hydrated!

When I met with the Dr., I was worried that the baby wasn't getting nutrition and he assured me that the baby will get what it needs even if it means draining my bones of marrow. He said it's going to be the mother who suffers. He did listen to the heartbeat and did a measurement and said everything was fine. Of course, I'm still a bit anxious about it especially since we didn't do an ultrasound to measure the baby's growth.

We set up the appointment in December to do the ultrasound to check the baby's gender and see if all is well! I'm excited about that!

I haven't been able to work out much due to the fact that I have entirely no energy and am so dehydrated that sweating would just worsen it. I do weigh myself every so often and even though my waist, hips and chest have been growing, I have not gained a single pound since I found out I was pregnant! I'm sure I have lost muscle mass and have gained babywise but it's so weird to see myself bigger and yet the same weight. My fat pants are still so baggy in the rear but they are getting very tight around my waist. Unfortunately, I don't really look pregnant as my chest (of course) has grown back to where I was before I started training. AAAAHH!

Week 14 - Nov 9 - All Liquid Diet

2009-11-15T05:00:00.000-08:00

Looking at, smelling, and especially eating food is becoming my worst nemesis. I'm now resorting to an all liquid diet of Gatorade, Sprite, and Carnation breakfast in hopes of keeping anything down. I can't even take my prenatals anymore because as soon as they hit my stomach they come right back up.

Fatigue is becoming so much more since I can't eat.

Week 13 - Nov 2 - Weary but Better!

2009-11-13T05:00:00.000-08:00

(Nov 3 ultrasound)

My nausea seems to get worse and worse every week. But I'm finally back on my mood meds and emotionally can now endure the physical craziness! It's still only 1/2 dose and I'm not 100% but I no longer feel like I'm sitting in a dark cave all day! It has been such a relief!

The second integrated ultrasound went much better. The baby wasn't laying correct right off but the nurse was able to get it to move without much jabbing this time! She was saying they would only be concerned if the measurement was larger than 1 mm. She said the baby measured at 0.7 mm. That's good news! More blood tests in two weeks to find out where our risk is at.

Week 12 - Oct 26 - The Start of Prenatal Screening

2009-11-12T05:00:00.001-08:00

(Oct 28 ultrasound)

(OK, I wrote this probably at the worst time of my pregnancy so far but I'm not going to edit it, I'm sure I'll look back and find it interesting what a wreck I became!)

I'm not sure why I feel the need to defend why I want to have the prenatal birth defect screening. It seems many have very strong feelings why you shouldn't do it but for those who do, would you think I haven't thought through all the risks and concerns for the safety of the baby?! Of course, most of the defects, if found, can not be changed and there is no way we would terminate the pregnancy. But with all the fertility problems we've had, with the scares early on in the pregnancy, the ages of both Scott and I, and just for my peace of mind, I need to know and it will give me time to emotionally prepare if there was a problem.

What is really cool is that if you get the timing just right, they can do something called integrated maternal serum screening. The first time I go in, between weeks 12 and 13, they will do an ultrasound to take a measurement of a thickness of skin on the baby's neck and a round of blood tests. Then I will go back in at between weeks 15 and 16 for another round of blood tests. From that they can determine if the risks are high for spina bifida or Down's syndrome and then decide to move on to the amniocentesis if they determine a risk.

So I met with the genetic counselor first where she took down Scott and I's family histories with pregnancy. Of all the questions she asked, I was able to see that our risks are really quite low. She said she didn't see anything that would be a cause for concern, even the fact that Scott had an uncle with Down's.

Then they tried to do the ultrasound. The baby had to be either laying on its back or stomach in order for them to get the measurement correct. It seems like every ultrasound I've had so far, the baby had been laying on its side. And it was, so what do they do? They pushed and banged and jiggled my stomach for nearly 30 minutes trying to get the baby to move. The end result was me rushing to the bathroom to throw up. And I was feeling sick when I arrived! So I have to go back next week to try again.

Good news though, at the end of this week I'll be through my first trimester, the risk of miscarriage goes down and now I can spread our exciting news!

Halloween was extremely low key this year which I was really OK with. There was no way I was going to sew costumes for the family feeling as yucky as I was. Jackson had to really be convinced it was OK to wear his pirate costume from last year. There were still a lot of our friends who didn't know about the pregnancy and I wore a tacky pregnant mom shirt that said "My Baby Rocks". We got some fun reactions!

Week 11 - Oct 19 - I Really Hate the TV, Couch and my Bed!

2009-11-11T05:00:00.000-08:00

(Oct 23 ultrasound)

I know, Hate is a very strong word. But it seems like my life is spent mainly on the couch watching TV (even the food commercials on TV send me over the top!) or laying in bed. I'm not used to being so inactive and feeling so lousy! I don't know how anyone can get used to this. I feel like a bulimic, cramping like my period is going to start, breaking out everywhere, getting migraines, can't sleep, my sinuses are swollen and my depression is starting to get to me.

The good news is that we had another Dr's appt and everything is going well with the baby. I will say that I'm so grateful for that! I don't know why but everytime the Dr. puts the ultrasound wand on my stomach, I still am so shocked to see a baby in there! The Dr. decided to put me back on a half dose of my mood meds and I'm so relieved he did!

And I was able to get both my flu vaccinations. I called my Dr's office to make sure they would have it when my first trimester was over and they said they were completely out of the seasonal flu shot and won't be getting any of the H1N1. I was a bit panicked because my SIL had emailed me about the first round of the H1N1 shots were being dispersed at the County Health buildings. I called the Dr back and asked if I should just go now and get it while I could, which of course, they did since I was near the end of my 11th week. Another great blessing was that my work was having a seasonal flu clinic the same day and so I went there for that shot and then stood in line at the County Health building for only 1 1/2 hours for the swine flu shot. Thank goodness I was in the high priority list to get it as they ran out the next day!

Week 10 - Oct 12 - Adding Smells on Top of Foods

2009-11-10T05:00:00.000-08:00

My morning sickness is getting progressively worse. It started out just when I wasn't eating, then it was when I was eating and now it just comes no matter what. And ANY strong scent sends me over the top. It really doesn't matter if it is a good or bad one, it starts up a whole new round of gagging. I'm starting to think adoption is MUCH easier....!

This is a good thing, this is a good thing, this is a good thing.......

Interesting: This week the baby graduated from an embryo to a fetus. And the risk for birth defects is over. (Although that doesn't rule out any that may have already developed, more on that soon)

Week 9 - Oct 5 - It's Not Easy Being Green

2009-11-09T05:00:00.000-08:00

OK, all you mothers who I couldn't stand hearing you complain during your pregnancy... I'm SORRY!! I take back any of those ill feelings toward those complaints! Being pregnant is beyond any kind of explanation or comprehension anyone can get unless they actually have experienced it themselves.

I have been sooo sick! The morning sickness is ever present and I feel like I have food poisoning that will never go away! You know how when you get sick after eating or smelling something and then you never want to eat it again?! I try something different each day hoping that maybe it would stay down that time. It really doesn't seem to matter what it is, it just comes right back up! And then that food is out of the question the next time around. The options are getting quite small!

The Dr. did prescribe some nausea meds but they don't seem to work all the time.

Week 8 - Sept 28 - Our Little Heartthrob

2009-11-08T05:00:00.000-08:00

(Oct 2 ultrasound picts)

Up to this point, I really was only experiencing the cramping on my left abdominal side and my chest (OK, breasts but trying to remain socially correct!) was so sore. I don't know if it's just pyschology but I didn't have any morning sickness until the day I walked out of the Dr's after seeing the baby's heartbeat. Then, I started to dry heave! I guess everything didn't seem real up to that point and I can't say how exciting it is to see that little heart!

This week's morning sickness was getting worse but it only comes after I eat. Really, weird. I decided to start working out with Steve again but it was very minimal this week. I cramp really hard after a workout but always feel so great when I'm exercising. I've been off my mood meds for a month now and it's really starting to wear on me!

The Dr. wanted a followup appt. this week and would you believe we not only saw a growing baby but got to hear the heartbeat - so cool! And it's little arms and legs were moving. It's becoming more real!

Week 7 - Sept 21st - This is Just So Uncomfortable!

2009-11-07T05:00:00.000-08:00

So I know that I'm still pregnant and the baby has a heartbeat. Unbelievable and still amazed!!

Now it's just getting used to the odd things that are going on with my body. When I found out I was nearly infertile, it never bothered me to find out my friends or family were expecting. I was always so happy for them. What did get me a bit was when they were pregnant, I couldn't stomach their complaints. I used to think what I would give to be that uncomfortable just to be carrying my own baby.

Guess what?! It really isn't a walk in the park! I'd like to say that my discomforts are different than a normal pregnancy but how would I know?! Up until now, I haven't had any morning sickness and was feeling very blessed. But my chest feels like it's coming out of its skin and then there is the ever present cramps. The only sense I can make from the cramps is that the baby is growing and trying to do so within an environment full of scar tissue which is not very flexible. (And hello, yes, I worry about that!) But then the nausea came. Not in the morning but only during the day when I would go a few hours without eating. And nothing sounds good. And the thought of cooking makes me even more sick. How women can do this over and over just astounds me!

Week 6 - Sept 14th - Not all Dr's are the Same

2009-11-06T05:00:00.000-08:00

(Sept 18 ultrasound)

What a rollercoaster. I called the Dr's office and told them I needed an ultrasound. Their technician was out that day and so they sent me back to the radiology lab at the hospital. The technician that did the ultrasound was so kind and sweet. But she hmmm and hawwed for the first 20 minutes as she was taking the pictures. After finally inquiring to what she was seeing, she told me legally she shouldn't say what she was seeing. I brought my friend who is a nurse with me and somehow we were finally able to get information out of her. She said what she was very confused at what she was seeing but thinks she may have seen an empty ectopic sac. My heart was completely broken at this point.

She took a lot of pictures and called in another technician to look. I usually can hold it together when I'm with other people and I was already trying to convince myself how lucky we were just to be able to conceive. I was wondering at what point will she suggest scheduling the procedure to remove it and hoping she will be sensitive about it. She still wasn't satisfied with her conclusion and so finally was able to get a hold of a Dr. on the phone as he viewed the screen in his office. Suddenly her eyes got big and she says, "Wait a minute, where did this come from?" I had to go in with a full bladder and ended up in the bathroom twice in between all the confusion. The last trip was right before she was talking with the Dr. and she swears up and down I must of had a twin because she is not looking at the same picture before. She was able to see a fluid sac with a yolk sac and supposedly it was in the right place this time.

All I could say was "OH, please don't do this to me, really?"! She calls my Dr's office and they schedule another round of hcg blood tests just to make sure it's all still on track.

Unfortunately, this week I also found that there is a lack of sensitive ob/gyn's in Utah County. My Dr. called the next day (mind you, I hadn't actually met with him at his office yet) and all I needed to hear was some positive good vibes. Instead, he starts questioning me about what was seen on the ultrasound and if they saw this or that in very medical terms. I didn't want to get the technician in trouble but I also thought it was very strange that he was asking me to tell him the results. He says, "well, I wouldn't rule out that you miscarried". I say, "Then why would my hcg levels still be going up?". "They are?" I'm thinking that he hadn't even looked at my chart before or anytime during this conversation. Then he says "Well, it would be folly to do any more ultrasounds right now for how short you are into the pregnancy. Just take Tylenol for the cramps and we'll schedule another ultrasound in two weeks." And hangs up.

I felt like I had just been in a drive by. Why would he be thinking it was a miscarriage? Was what she saw really not what it was? Could I really wait 2 weeks in hopes that the worst doesn't become reality. I was in tears again (man, these pregnancy hormones have turned me into a bawl baby!). Yes, I understand that these Dr's deal with hormonal pregnant women all day but my situation is not the usual, normal pregnancy. I went ahead and did the next two blood draws and my hcg levels were continuing to rise - 20,102 for the first and 27,127 48 hours later. What a mess of confusion and anxiety! Fortunately, the bleeding has stopped. Of course, I stopped with the exercise as soon as the bleeding started up and I was relieved it had subsided.

I was so happy to get a phone call later that week from my friend (who is friends with the ob/gyn her daughter is with). She insisted that situation was completely wrong and I should fire that Dr and find a new one. She called her friend (who is the Dr's wife) and found out that he was high risk and was taking new patients. What a relief! In fact, I called his office on a Thursday afternoon and they wanted me to come in that Friday morning! Now there's a practice who not only considers their patients needs but wastes no time!!

He had everything set up to do another ultrasound. When he came in, he not only remembered the conversation we had at the shower but was very kind. And in no time flat, he was showing me on the screen the baby, how it was measuring exactly 6 weeks, 3 days and then pointed at a little pulsating part and said, "There's the heart beating"!

I could finally start breathing again! He packaged up nearly a month's worth of prenatals including some Omega-3's, wrote a prescription for progesterone (in hopes of alleviating the pain from the endometriosis) and sent me with several precautionary warnings: don't overdue your exercise (heartrate no more than 160 and no more than an hour a day), don't get the swine flu (he even thought I should pull Jackson out of preschool until we all get our shots), and rest if your body tells you to. Next appointment in two weeks.

OK. Now, previous cranky-don't waste my time-silly-jerk of a Dr, was that so hard?!! I went on RateMD and found that I wasn't the only one who had been blown off by him. There were so many not so nice things said about him. Soooo glad I have good friends who are looking out for me!!!

Week 5 - Sept 7th - Please Let It Not Be So

2009-11-05T05:00:00.000-08:00

This was the scariest week by far! We came back from San Diego on that Tuesday evening and I went in Wednesday night to train with Steve. When I got home, I found out that I had started to bleed. Up to this point, the cramping was constant but this was new. And it was at this point that I finally found that my heart was embracing this new miracle and breaking. I called Scott in the bathroom and told him what was happening and he started to cry. He had been beaming from ear to ear since I called him about the positive test and this was devastating. He gave me a blessing and I could tell he was struggling through it.

I called the Dr's office the next day and they sent me back to the lab to get my pregnancy levels checked and again 2 days later. I was convinced it was over and was shocked to find that my first results showed my hcg's up to 6,827 and the next one at 11,685! Then it just became confusing. Why am I still bleeding and cramping so hard?!

Fortunately, I was able to attend a friends baby shower which was held at their friends house, which also just happened to be her ob/gyn. He had just come home towards the end of the shower and she mentioned he was her Dr. After revealing our little surprise to our friends, I told him about my situation and he said I needed an ultrasound asap! He said in ectopic pregnancies, your hcg levels will still go up since you are still pregnant but that needs to be determined before it bursts!

I waited all weekend and called the Dr. on Monday. It was a long weekend...

Week 4 - August 31st - Miracle Revealed

2009-11-04T05:00:00.000-08:00

This is the day of enlightment and the week of our world being turned upside down. I was mentioning to Steve how strange it was that I hadn't started my cycle yet, I was cramping a lot and was wondering if it was because I had fell. My mom then says, "you should get a pregnancy test" and all I could think was, "what for?!". That had to be about the farthest thing from my mind.

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my regular meds and stared at the boxes of pregnancy tests for a few minutes. I decided to just get one thinking to myself why am I wasting my money on another one of these after all these years and how stupid I will feel when it was a waste. We were heading to my baby brother's in San Diego that week and so I thought I would just wait until we got back. But somehow, the morning of Sept. 1st, I took a deep breath and lifted up the test to find not only was it very positive but that the "you took the test, now wait a few minutes" indicator window had not even registered yet. Ever have those moments when time just seemed to stand still but you feel like you've just been ran over by a truck and you're still trying to figure out what just happened?!

I can't say exactly all the thoughts and feelings that were running through my mind but somehow I was trying to convince myself that it had to be a false positive. Maybe it was my meds, or my fall, or just my body's release from the intense workouts I had been doing. And then it was my one sided conversation with God, "are you kidding me..., now..., after 14 years...? I'm not to my weight goal yet, this can't really be happening" and so on. And then I bawled - a lot!

I spent several hours that morning looking up every possible combination of medicines, my fertility conditions, activity and whatever I could think of that would cause a false positive. Guess what, you all probably already know this but it's the false negatives you have to worry about. If it's positive, it's positive. I called my friend Lara in tears asking if she knew of a high risk ob/gyn and trying to sort out my intense shock with her. I knew I had to have a blood test to believe it so I called the Dr's office and even after explaining my history, they said they didn't see new patients until their 10th week. I explained I was taking med's that I know I wouldn't be able to take if I was pregnant and I needed to know for sure that was the case. So they had me come in and fill out a novel of paperwork and sent me to the hospital lab for the bloodwork. I was sitting in the chair while the tech was drawing my blood and just kept telling her I was infertile. She said, "well, hon, they want a full pregnancy panel as well as the test which shows how far along you are". And I say, "But, I'm infertile!" "Good luck" she says and plasters a bandaid on my arm and sends me on my way.

I went back to the Dr's office to talk to the nurse about my medications. I'm still trying to convince them I'm infertile so she asks if I wanted to do another urine test. Of course, I did. She dips it in, pulls it out and says, "Congratulations, you're pregnant! Oh, and your due date is May 11, 2010!" A DUE DATE?!! I wasn't even thinking about that! The blood tests the next day confirm it again, hcg levels at 319.

Unbelieveable. We head to San Diego and I'm still in denial. I wasn't about to give up my workouts just yet and so remained quite active there. Biking, boogie boarding, walking all over Sea World, riding the rides, we did it all. And I was cramping the whole time. Among all my research, I didn't see any reason why I shouldn't keep working out. Besides our parents, my brother and his wife are the first to find out.

Week 3 - August 24th - A Miracle Takes Place

2009-11-03T05:00:00.000-08:00

No wonder I kept falling, losing my balance and got lightheaded after a massage?! How a little embryo was able to find a place to implant where there was no scar tissue with my severe endometriosis is beyond anything I can imagine...

Do You Believe in Miracles?

2009-11-02T05:00:00.000-08:00

Years Married - 14
Years Before Seeking Fertility Dr - 5
Years of Fertility Treatments, no success - 1
Years on Adoption List - 3
Years with Jackson and getting to hear "I Love You Mom!" - 5
Number of All-Positive Pregnancy Tests to Actually Believe Results- 3

Number of Weeks waited through cramps, bleeding and high anxiety of loss to announce our news - 13
First time 35 year old expectant mother and miraculously still expecting - Priceless....

I think this video is such a strong message of how so many women have felt. Each message written on those posters has a significant meaning in my life. Jackson's birthmom wasn't a teenager when she had him but the meaning is still there.

Would you believe I'm now in my 13th week of pregnancy? We have felt the whole gammet of emotions and ran the ups and downs of a high risk first trimester but I can hardly believe how wonderful this miracle is and couldn't be more excited...and scared!!

I've been writing posts each week as our adventures had begun and I now can finally post them and will over the next few days. I will say when I first found out, I wasn't thrilled. It may have had more to do with how focused I was on losing my weight and this came so unexpectantly, we certainly weren't trying! It took me several weeks to wrap my head around the reality and then we thought we lost the baby. You really don't know how much you care about something until it's taken away (or presumably so!). And now I'm at a point that I would do anything and everything to keep this baby safe and well. I guess you could say, "I Would Die For That"!

Feeling Fine, Really...

2009-09-24T13:14:00.000-07:00

Just updating my blog to those who are wondering where I've been. I'm still here and happy to say that at least my weight hasn't gone up or down. I haven't been able to train much since the end of August due to a trip to San Diego and an unusual health condition that has caught me off guard. It isn't anything life threatening (we hope!) but nothing we can confirm for another month to see what develops. For my close family and friends who have been informed, THANK YOU for your thoughts and prayers. Please keep them coming, we are remaining hopeful that all will turn out well.

As far as training goes, I am going crazy not being able to go. It would definitely be beneficial for my condition in the long run but the Dr. says to hold off if my body is saying no. And I'm dang tired of my body telling me no!! When I do, I have to limit my exercise daily total to only 1 hour and keep my heartrate below 160. I'm hoping for next Monday. It will have been 2 1/2 weeks since I worked with Steve and got moving again. I hope it doesn't feel like I'm starting all over!! At least I won't be starting 40 pounds heavier like I was in May!!

Oh and I hope everyone gets their flu shots! Both the regular and the swine flu! I have to wait a few weeks on both but everyone in the house (except Scott who is allergic to eggs) will be getting theirs! If I get the swine flu, the Dr. says it will worsen the condition! Stay away if you're sick!!

Time to Give This Another Try...Stay Tuned!

2009-09-01T13:50:00.000-07:00

Will give this another go...Stay Tuned!

My starting weight is where I was around the end of April 2009. Look at it go....! Can you guess what's chasing that ant? Stay tuned...

This weight is taken around 6 PM in the evening and with all my workout clothes on so I would imagine it would be less in the morning and buck naked. But who wants to see that?!!! Not even me!

Unscheduled Training Interruption

2009-08-29T16:31:00.000-07:00

Ya, know. You start getting strong and don't even realize it until you've pushed your limits. Saturday, I crashed a few times on my rollerblades and came away with a little road rash on my left calf. Every time I fell, I just couldn't stop laughing. I was surprised how much it didn't hurt even though I once landed fairly hard.

Thankfully, I had a massage scheduled with Jeremy later that day knowing I was going to push it hard that week. Jeremy has been working with me since I started training and I feel so fortunate our paths have crossed. He is working on getting his Physical Therapy degree and is not only a great guy but so knowledgable and fantastic at what he does. I've been getting massages every other week, but had started adding in another week once my workouts were intensifying. And these are not the relaxing, take-it-easy, so-nice-you-want-to-fall asleep kind. If you ever have had a deep tissue massage, then you know what I mean. And he can pinpoint those areas that have been really worked. I know because most of the time I'm trying not to hold my breath and ignoring the pain!! Some areas are worse than others depending on the week, but my left shoulder and neck really hold a lot of tension.

Scott, Jackson and I later that day took a hike up to the Y Mountain in Provo. I've climbed Mt. Timpanogos many a time but that was my first trip to the Y. I was a bit surprised how steep that hike became but I guess if you climb 1000 feet in elevation in 1 mile, that would make sense. Jackson did fairly well but my rock star hubby ended up hiking up about half the trail with Jackson on his shoulders. And he would even stop and let Jackson sit in his shadow to rest in the shade a bit. This man rocks my world!!

Tuesday, Scott and I planned on biking the Provo River trail from our house starting at Utah Lake and heading down to the mouth of Provo canyon and back. Scott was pulling Jackson in the bike trailer and we were making good time even stopping for Jackson to play at a few playgrounds on the way. Heading back, we had to pull off the trail where they had been doing some construction and as I was pulling back onto the trail, my front tire hit the lip between the road and the ramp going up and I slid across the pavement. Yes, I had my helmet on, but not my bike gloves and it was a hot day so my shorts and t-shirt provided no protection.

I thought the road rash from my rollerblading falls looked cool, this was 10 times worse and hurt!! I had black pavement all over my right leg and arm but I also left a lot of skin on the trail. There were huge gashes on my palms and my right knee. But I think the worst part set in quickly, my knee and leg stiffened up right away. I know my head hit the pavement and my neck was throbbing. Scott had disconnected my jammed front brake and we started back up the hill. We only got a few blocks before I couldn't ride anymore. I was shaking and bleeding. I'll leave out the rest of the gory details but I did finally get home thanks to a stranger taking Scott home to get our car. While I waited, I walked around hoping it would help my leg loosen up but mostly because I was just ticked! All I could think about was losing the momentum in my training and gaining back some of my weight.

Long story even longer, I had to make the phone call to Steve on Wednesday morning (when I woke feeling like I had been ran over by a truck!) to tell him we couldn't train that day. I'm not sure if he was upset but I was told I was banned from anything with wheels. And we will start back on Monday.

So grateful again for Jeremy, he was my lifesaver and we bumped up my weekend massage appointment to Thursday. Ibuprofen is good for a few hours but I was not sleeping well as any way I turned just shot more pain through me! I was very lightheaded and a bit nauseous after he worked out all those kinks but I finally was able to go home and sleep!

I haven't gone this long without working out for months. Monday will be interesting....

Training Session #31 - A Loss is a Loss

2009-08-24T22:00:00.000-07:00

The measurements:
Caliper Bi - 15.2
Caliper Tri - 1
Caliper Sub - 26
Caliper Iliac - 20.9
Body Fat % - 34.4
Neck - 13.5
Chest - 43.5
Upper Arm - 11.75
Forearm - 9.8
Waist - 36
Hip - 45
Thigh - 23.7
Calf - 15.1
Weight - 191

Biggest accomplishment: Ok, so there is a reason I have a trainer. 'Cause I try to make sense of what I do and I just don't get it. After busting it big time last week, I am dissappointed not to see my body fat go down hardly at all. But after I entered all the info into a spreadsheet I've been keeping, I didn't realize that I was down over 2 inches overall - mostly in my hips and waist. And 5 pounds. I can deal with that.

I've been a bit concerned how high my heart rate has been while I've been doing the stair stepper at the intensity Steve has wanted me to. I have always been told if you keep it in the fat burn zone you'll burn more fat. I just need to stop worrying and trust the professional I work with. See the truth here: Heart Rate Zone or here or here.

The way I see it is that you will burn more percentage of fat calories with a lower intensity. But you'll burn more calories at a higher rate even though the percentage of what you burn isn't all fat calories, you're still burning more calories overall. There are many calculators but I'm sure the most accurate would be one tested by a Dr. My heart rate monitor actually has my limits exactly like when I put in my stats with the calculators:

Maximum Heart Rate (Calculated) = 184.5 % of Maximum Heart Rate Reserve*
100% - 184.5
95% - 175.3
90% - 166.0
85% - 156.8
80% - 147.6
75% - 138.4
70% - 129.1
65% - 119.9
60% - 110.7
55% - 101.5

Now I no longer have the excuse that my heart rate is too high. Crap...

Training Session #30 - Stronger than the Average Bear?

2009-08-20T22:16:00.000-07:00

So, I've been running those stairs at BYU every morning like I planned and high tailing it from one class to the other. Also remaining consistant on my cardio, and swam laps for an hour yesterday. I am starting to get a bit fatigued but dang, I want to see results next Monday!

We have been fairly cool the past few weeks and the temps are starting to climb again. I think I sweat out more water than I could put in at today's workout. (So not a fan of hot temperatures, I can't believe how many summers I worked at Lowes in the heat and dirt!) Steve was really excited about what we were going to do. That always gets me very worried! Stepups, Ok, quads are already a bit tired but OK. Then a circuit of prisioner squats, side lunges and half lunges, yeah, now I'm really feeling it. Half stepups and then a new walking lunge with the ball. I'm dying at this point. My shirt is soaked completely through and I'm ready to prove to Steve I had lunch. But, Oh no, there's more... Bear crawls.

I found an article about bear crawls and can say they are 100% correct!

If you are short on time, there is no better way than using a bodyweight circuit.
One exercise is the Bear Crawl, this is a very demanding and result producing exercise that is long forgotten.
The Bear Crawl will give you a great fat burning and muscle building workout, most people will have a tough time Bear Crawling for 30 seconds.
The Bear Crawl will build an athletic and stronger body in record time, and will develop total body awareness.
The Bear Crawl will work the whole arm ( fingers, wrist, forearm, bicep, triceps,) the shoulders, back, chest, neck, abs, thighs, hamstrings, calves, not to mention working the cardiovascular system hard, in only seconds.
The Bear Crawl will burn fat while building incredible strength and muscular endurance.
To do the Bear Crawl you don't need a lot of space, just a few feet, than get down on all fours and walk and run like a bear.
Start out slow, take your time and get amazing results doing a simple but very effective exercise.
If you decide to add Bear Crawls into your workout you will know what a workout is.
So try this simple but effective workout :
Bear Crawl for 30 seconds rest 30 seconds continue for 5 minutes... if you can.

The only thing they didn't mention is that you can't have your rear in the air like this little cutie. No, no, no!!! We did them so the knees and tops of your feet skim the floor and you keep your hips down as you move! And just when I thought I was done after bear crawling across the gym room length 4 times with pushups in between, we then did calf raises and ab crunches on the ball. Oh me, oh my. I'm wondering how I was possibly going to get in my stair climbing that day because I was through, done, spent, over. Guess what?...I did it anyway!

Measurements on Monday. Oh please, let them be good!

Training Session #29 - Students Have No Excuses

2009-08-17T22:00:00.000-07:00

Wow, I am tired today! I'm attending BYU Education Week this week starting today and had an interesting encounter. The parking there is horrendous and I ended up parking on the far southwest side of campus where the overnight RV parking is. Since I don't know the campus very well (sadly, I never attended), I didn't realize that hurrying to my first class at 8:30 in the morning that I would have to run up a hill of stairs, in flip flops. And I had to run because (as always and to be expected), I was late. Well, I'm sure when I was 35 pounds heavier I probably would have passed out at the top. But I actually passed a somewhat heavy teenager. I'm certainly no James Bond but definitely feeling the difference!

And then you had to run to your next class because they fill up so fast that sometimes they turn people away from the full classrooms. Not as much running today since the classes are more in the same area but I've forgotten what it's like to hurry from one class to another. Although I was very antsy sitting for the time during the class, I hoofed it to the next, as much as you can in flip flops. And I packed all my food according to my plan so I was set.

I'm going to park at the same place the rest of this week and get in some short cardio time in the mornings, and wear my running shoes. Was thinking that if there were students who couldn't find time to exercise, they could just arrive for school a bit earlier (see, yeah, that wouldn't work for me!) and run up those stairs every morning!

Today's workout was huge, now that I look at all we did! I was a bit tired from running all day but pushed through it as much as I could.

Training Session #28 - Great Horny Toads! My Biscuits are Burnin'!

2009-08-12T22:18:00.000-07:00

Problem #1 - Go waterskiing the day after a big ab workout (Mon)
Problem #2 - 2 weeks of most of my cardio on the stairclimber

Result - My abs, my butt, my calves and hamstrings are begging for mercy! I even woke up early in the morning in so much pain and had to get some ibuprofen. We had to nix some of the ab work today because Steve thinks I must have torn my abs a bit. I don't think my massage on Friday will come soon enough!!!!

"Yeow!! Ow! My biscuits are burnin'! Fire in the hatch! Great horny toads, that smarts!

Training Session #27 - You Take the Good, You Take the Bad...

2009-08-10T22:00:00.000-07:00

Why, oh why, did I decide to give in and eat pizza this weekend? And why after 5 days of heavy cardio, including 3 days with the stair stepper do I still look like Natalie from the "Facts of Life"!!!!???? Yeah, yeah, I know, she has a great personality (so many of us FAT girls do) Whaaahh! - (insert extremely whiney voice) When will I ever look like Blair but with Jo's coolness!? I want it and I want it NOW!

All joking aside, this weeks measurement results were like a punch in the stomach. I'm fairly sure subconsciously I thought that because I worked so hard on my cardio, a little pizza wouldn't hurt. Of course, that was a little pizza on top of not eating the rest of my food for a large part of the week. Add more fat to starvation and increased cardio and I'm sure my body was holding onto it for dear life. I've got to work through this awful relationship I have with food. I really have to force myself to eat. I think if I actually pulled everything I need to eat together each night, already prepared like my mom does to take to work, I could probably get through it. I just get going through my day and forget.

I would call today's training an hour version of bootcamp basic training. Lots of kicks, jumps, squats, held positions and pushups. Steve had two new forms of torture (dang, he had a new "torture" word today and now I've forgot it!) One is an exercise called squat thrusts. You know, jump into crouch, jump back into a pushup position, jump back to crouch and then jump up. And the other was like a reverse bridge where you balance on your back on the disc with your butt up, knees up and together, feet on the floor somewhat extended and hold that for what felt like FOREVER! I think I'll be feeling those tomorrow!

And after bootcamp I had 40 minutes of bonding time with Mr. Stair Climber. My hamstrings are screaming and actually were before I started! Good thing I have a massage scheduled this week, I'm gonna need it!

The BAD - The measurements:
Caliper Bi - 15.6
Caliper Tri - 18.8
Caliper Sub - 26.1
Caliper Iliac - 21.4
Body Fat % - 34.6
Neck - 13.5
Chest - 43.5
Upper Arm - 12
Forearm - 10
Waist - 36.75
Hip - 45.7
Thigh - 23.8
Calf - 15.3
Weight - 196

THE GOOD - Biggest accomplishment: Despite the fact that hardly nothing moved, including my body fat, my hips were down almost a whole inch. Weird. Steve tried to convince me that this still wasn't a plateau since there was some movement but I'm not buying it.

Met one of Steve's other clients who had lost a lot of weight, had rebounded and was taking another go at it. Got me thinking pretty hard but that's a story for another day...

Training Session #26 - I Just Think Steve is Great!

2009-08-05T22:00:00.000-07:00

So, today and the past few days have been a whirlwind. Stampin' Up! is having their annual demonstrator convention. Although I'm not attending convention itself, I do enjoy getting together with my demo friends and sharing swaps and ideas. Since I've started training with Steve, I've slowly been spending less time stamping, crafting and blogging about it. I'm sure I'll never stop crafting because art is so much a part of me and normally, I really enjoy it. But, I had to have some swaps done for a dinner on Tuesday night with my Stampin' Addicts sisters (love ya!) and waited until the last minute to get those done. I was up Monday night and into the wee morning hours of Tuesday. Tuesday night came so fast, I had one set of swaps that still didn't get completed. I then drove home after the dinner, got together supplies for an all day meetup with the sisters on Wednesday, tried to finish the swaps and by 2 AM, decided I just needed to go to bed. I tossed and turned all night (or should I say, morning) and maybe got 2 hours of sleep, I get so stressed and anxious when I'm not prepared like I want to. In the meantime, I'm hardly eating, by that I mean maybe a yogurt in the morning and something small at dinner. Yeah, I was depleted.

I got up early today to get to get myself and Jackson ready, take him to the sitter and head up to the Salt Palace. I didn't have time to pack things to snack on and had a hard time just eating the salad I got for lunch. Next thing I know, it's time to collect all my supplies and hit the road to get to my training (and I was looking forward to it all day even knowing that I would struggle from my lack of sleep and food!). Well, I'm not used to driving from SL in rush hour and was 1/2 hour late for training. My phone was in my stamp bag in the back of my Explorer and I was considering just pulling over in rush hour to call. I tell ya, every minute that ticked by past the time I was supposed to be there was killing me! I was feeling so bad as I have not missed a session yet and I really have an issue of respecting people's time and getting to places when I say I will. (as I also get very annoyed when people don't respect my time).

So very long winded today, that's what happens when I'm tired, I ramble. Long story short, I have a great trainer and I can still get through these workouts even on no sleep or food - and no, I don't recommend it!

Measurements next Monday.... and more stair stepping tomorrow, hooo- ray...

Training Session #25 - For the Love of the Game (of weight loss)

2009-08-03T23:00:00.000-07:00

The pictures. Have I ever mentioned the pure agony for me to stand in front of a camera, on purpose? (I even avoid mirrors) But, I also had to have a photo for a scrapbook page that my stamping friends were exchanging. My mom was so great to stand in as the photographer with a difficult client, lots of eye rolling in between shots. The photo at the top is where I am now, the 2nd below was at my heaviest weight in April and the 1st below (lookie, you can see my collarbones!) was where I was before I started fertility treatments in 2000 - and where I intend to get back to. And I will. I still have that size 6 dress and will be anxiously working to post a picture of me in it again. (And yes, I've always been "chesty". Really, I don't understand those that want to "enhance" theirs, it's more a burden than anything!)

Today officially marks 12 weeks since we started training. I've lost 24 pounds, 12.14 inches, and about 4% body fat. I'm also down 35 pounds since April when I was at my heaviest.

Steve didn't want me to preview today’s workout (which I usually don't even want to know so I don't pysch myself out) but he had already named it. And for the love..., it was also killer core work. Tri plane lunges, ball squats on one leg, ham curls (Yowwch!), ab ball toss, prone bridges and much more! I'm actually hoping for more of this just because one of my goals is to be able to do full sit-ups and still be able to throw a medicine ball back and forth and not have to have my feet stabilized. And my waist is getting small but my lower abs just doesn’t want to give up the ghost! Glory, just go, will ya?! (Although, in the beginning, they just got in the way and I don't have that excuse anymore). Another goal, to have the tendon in my ankle define and just pop out. My mom and I have such different body types; I'm built more like my dad's family. But the thing I've inherited from my mom, cankles (you know, when you can't determine where your calves end and your ankles start). After the last set of ham curls, Steve told me to just hold the last one. He may have intended to add another layer of torture but he also pulled out his phone and took a picture of my calf and ankle. It was cool to see the definition forming in my calves and the ever-so-slightest indention in my ankles! (I'll have to snag that photo somehow!)

I would like to see better improvements for the next 12 weeks. I didn't realize it, but I was supposed to be doing cardio at least 5 times a week along with 3 days of weights. I was slacking a little on some days the past few weeks not because I didn't want to but it's just summer and busy. No more excuses, this week is the beginning of that routine. Steve says that doing the cardio after the weights is more beneficial. And what cardio does Steve think is the best?... That blasted stair climber! So today, I spent 40 minutes after our training with that evil machine. We're still not friends but at least now on speaking terms....

Training Session #24 - Oh Happy Day!

2009-07-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

OK yes, I skipped blogging about Monday's workout. It was just one of those off days, and dang it, I should be allowed one every once in awhile. I just drug myself through the day and the workout and that's that.

BUT today...?!

cool myspace layouts

It's been almost 12 weeks since we started training with Steve and I'm finally under 200 pounds! I can't even remember the last time I was there, I'm guessing a least 6 years. And even better, I no longer have to shop in the Women's department and actually haven't for several weeks! (Which I'm incredibly happy about and no offense to those that can find some cute stuff, but I swear someone who hates fat people must be designing those clothes because they are hideous!!) I've been wearing a few size 16's that are already getting loose! 34 pounds down, 68 to go! I'm 1/3 of the way to my goal!

I've gotta say the contestants of the Biggest Loser are getting ripped off. I'm finding that the amount of weight you lose may or may not really show actual results as you can be losing body fat and inches but you are also gaining muscle which we all know weighs more than fat. If you're on the weight loss band wagon, make sure to take those measurements and don't gauge your progress on weight alone.

So, you all want to see the proof? Next Monday will be exactly 12 weeks and I will actually post a few photos - when I was at my highest weight, where I am now and my goal weight (which was where I was in 2000). This is a big deal as I absolutely hate seeing pictures of me. (Yes, it's a big pride issue. Working on it...) And it's very sad as there aren't that many in the past 10 years with me in them and Jackson is now 4 and won't have many pictures of me and him from the past few years in his scrapbook. But better times to come, he'll start thinking I'm the paparazi!

The measurements:
Caliper Bi - 15.9
Caliper Tri - 19.2
Caliper Sub - 26.4
Caliper Iliac - 21.6
Body Fat % - 34.8
Neck - 13.5
Chest - 44
Upper Arm - 12.1
Forearm - 10
Waist - 36.8
Hip - 46.6
Thigh - 23.7
Calf - 15.3
Weight - 198!!!!

Biggest accomplishment: I'm down nearly another whole percent body fat and another 1/2" off my hip and waist. My calves and thighs aren't moving but Steve wasn't concerned in the least. He's said because of the hard workouts lately, he doesn't want them to lose too quickly. Something about "it would look weird", OK, I'll take his word for it.

Training Session #22 - Whaattt?!?!

2009-07-22T21:42:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to take this one. I do know I better be more careful in challenging Steve before I'm turned into road kill. Although, I may have conquered this one if only...

My quads did get sore yesterday and that evening after I swam laps for about 40 minutes, I had a special bonding time with Mr. Bengay before I went to bed. But when I woke up this morning (after a very restless night, can't really pinpoint why), I can't even explain the pain I felt when I walked up the stairs and throughout the day. It really took me by surprise as Monday was definitely hard but I didn't think I would be feeling it this bad. Although, I only had soreness in my quads so I was feeling more confident about that. And I was stretching them a lot before we met up with Steve.

So today: little sleep, didn't get much food in as I was too tired, a highly motivated trainer ready to deliver "Bring It" II, sore qauds = me, shot down off my high horse and not so confident anymore. I wasn't going to tell Steve about my quads as I thought for sure I would be able to tackle another hard workout since it was only my upper legs that were hurting and surely he wouldn't hit that same area again twice in one week? What did he start out with? Um, yeah....leg extensions. (I tell ya, you can't keep anything from this guy!!!) I think that got me beat down from the start. We worked mostly upper body and shoulders and I struggled terribly through the last sets. I didn't realize that those muscles were actually a bit fatigued from Monday but might have been a combination of that and no energy from a lack of sleep or food. And I'm pretty sure Steve took out several things on the list as I was struggling - which is frustrating because again, he knows I could have done them. Steve asked if I didn't like feeling this sore and I didn't know how to answer. Yes, I want to feel like I'm working hard (want to look like it even more) and I like a good challenge but after having shin splints, I was worried that we would have to back off again to get my quads to recoup. The good news is that the shin splints was an injury that needed to heal but the quad soreness is just a side effect which should dissapate more quickly. Sounds promising to me!

Despite today, this is still the pace I'm up for. (I'll be curious to see where I'll be sore in the next few days). It is my nature to take this setback and use that as a measurement of all the time and work I've put in. I'm sure before when I allowed negative feelings to creep in and doubt my abilities, just that mindset took its toll by slowing my weight loss and measurements. But knowing is half the battle, right?! I know I was tired and didn't have the energy. And that's now all water under the bridge. (ha, said prior to more days of ice and bengay!) And it's not killing me which means I must be getting stronger! Gearing up for "Bring It" III !!

Training Session #21 - The "Bring It!" Workout

2009-07-20T20:53:00.000-07:00

Steve affectionately labeled today's session "Bring It". I have to say I was a bit nervous since I already was told last week it was going to be tough. And Steve is a man of his word!

Let's see if I can remember everything (in hopes of looking back on this day of torture as a walk in the park). Walking lunges w/shoulder press, roman chair knee lifts and reverse lunges w/side lifts, standing rows (knee lifts and squat), standing lats, bench step ups w/alternating pushups, triceps with free weights, biceps with half squat, pushups on medicine ball, and situps while throwing medicine ball. All repeated mostly 3 times, with the treadmill and stair climber in between sets. It seems like I might have left something out as we did a lot. I don't know exactly what size weights were used (I do know the standing lats ended up with 70 pounds) as I just did each one as they came. Most taxed my muscles to the point of sheer exhaustion, I was out of breath much of the time, drenched from head to toe and pretty sure I was about to lose my lunch. I will say Steve was quite lenient on the recovery between sets (not to mention my mom was stalling as much as she could which gave me a little more time). He later told me he did that on purpose just because I've had two weeks of light work and didn't want to kill me off right away! And you know you've busted it big time when you walk out in 95 degree heat and it feels good. BUT...

I'm noticing my recovery time needed is getting shorter and once I stop a certain exercise, I haven't been feeling the fatigue I was experiencing before. I am writing this on the same day but no soreness yet. Steve says Wednesday will be a more difficult routine but I still feel up for it.

So Steve..... is that all ya got?!

Eating Whole Foods - It Only Makes Sense

2009-07-19T11:15:00.000-07:00

It's amazing to me lately how the taste of foods have changed. Since I've nearly eliminated sugar, salt, processed flours and fats, when I give in and eat anything real high in any of them, they are so intense. It's like your taste buds become desensitized to those bad additives. My mom had prepared cabbage the other day and I could swear she added butter to it. Turns out she didn't, did you know cabbage has a buttery taste? And I've found that I'm trying new fruits and vegetables I used to turn my nose up at.

Check out this article I ran across: http://health.msn.com/nutrition/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100241585&page=1 . Make sure to check out the "find more" articles.

It only makes sense to eat foods in their true original form. And only makes sense that when foods are processed and altered to make them more convenient, we succumb our bodies to unnatural things which then result in the diseases that are overcoming our world! The PCOS I have has diabetic symptoms. I know diabetes can be reversible disease with diet, can you imagine if PCOS could be too?!

When it comes to nutrition, I like to keep it simple and a good balance. I can see how easy it would be to fall into trying to find supplements to reduce muscle fatigue, increase muscle size, add energy and on and on. I'm not going to consume large amounts of time worrying about things like if it's organic or not, if it's high or low in this or that nutrient or any other intense food analytics. Not that doing that isn't a good thing, I just fall into those people who would become obsessed with it. We all know that the statistics of today or yesterday change all the time and I always find myself wondering if it's really true. I do try to stay aware of what is good and bad just trying not to be a nutrition fanatic. (I have looked up a few beneficial foods and will post them on my sidebar)

I do believe everyone should take a good multivitamin. And eat whole foods and keep yourself properly hydrated with water. And I'm back to eating all my food that I'm supposed to. Feeling more energy and my weight is moving down again!
THE END

PS - If I start running marathons or becoming more of an athlete, I reserve the right to eat my words over being a "fanatic". We shall see...

Training Session #20 - Put Me in Coach!

2009-07-15T21:41:00.000-07:00

Weds, July 15 - Steve wasn't kidding when he said to take it easy. I think this was the first time since the beginning of training that I felt like I hardly worked. I did struggle getting through the pushups which alternated moving your arm out (I can't remember what he called them but they were tricky!) and working on my hamstrings but I couldn't believe it when he said we were through. I even did chest presses with 25# free weights (those things looked enormous but weren't too bad!) and still was like, "what, we're done?!". I'm so ready to hit it hard again.

But... he said just wait because we're stepping it up next Monday. Something about circuit training with the only breaks being the time it takes to move to the next exercise. Sounds good to me (until I blog next week about how I felt like dying).

BRING IT!

Training Session #19 - Mama Says to Clean Your Plate

2009-07-13T21:59:00.000-07:00

Monday, July 13 - Actually it was Steve who lectured me to eat my food. Major confession: I haven't been eating much. I just find myself going through the day and realize I need to eat. And it's usually because Jackson reminds me that he's hungry. Poor kid! But I know when one of the girls on the Biggest Loser wasn't eating, she started to plateau.

I'm pretty sure my body has gone into starvation mode because my measurements are showing it.

The measurements:

Caliper Bi - 16.9

Caliper Tri - 22.1

Caliper Sub - 27.8

Caliper Iliac - 22

Body Fat % - 35.7

Neck - 13.5

Chest - 44.25

Upper Arm - 12.12

Forearm - 10.12

Waist - 37.12

Hip - 47

Thigh - 23.25

Calf - 15.25

Weight - 202.5 (just 'cause I want to see the 202)

My biggest accomplishment: I was down almost 6 pounds but wondering how much of that was muscle. My body fat was only down 0.5% and my chest and neck didn't move. I'm hoping some of it is just because I'm on my monthly cycle (yeah, another secret I couldn't keep from Steve, dang it!) I hope I don't start to plateau, that would really be a bummer!

I did go easy on my cardio the rest of last week and didn't do any other weights. I was feeling a bit lazy not doing it but I'm ready to hit it hard again. My shins are not in pain anymore and I'm not feeling so tired. Steve says not yet, one more week and then we can.

Training Session #18 - Putting on the Brakes, Kind of

2009-07-08T22:23:00.000-07:00

Weds, July 8th - It was decided today to take a few days and just take it easy. My shins are hurting and my muscles are fatigued. Although Steve must of meant take it easy - later as the workout still had me sweating! But we all can see what happens when things are not in line - it's just a big mess. I'm wasn't sure if I could do it. Basically, just go very light on Friday and Saturday.

Training Session #17 - OH My Shins

2009-07-06T21:52:00.000-07:00

July 6, 2009 - What I'm really starting to feel is fatigue. Usually after a session, I will be sore the next day but then good as new 2 days after. Lately, it seems my muscles are sore and tight all the time and just exhausted. I've been taking care to not jog or run on my cardio days and sticking with spinning and swimming.

I was able to bust through all the exercises today but feel like a Rumpelstiltskin type nap would be oh so nice! We did a few things that aggravated my shins a bit. My weight still seems to be staying the same so if those exercises will help, I can deal with a little pain! But Steve is cutting back on a few things this week to give me a break.

I've been going to a massage therapist about every 2 weeks for deep tissue massages. (If you are in Utah County and are looking for a good one, Jeremy is your man!) He had me purchase a book on stretching as my shoulders don't even give any movement. I've been fairly consistent on trying to stretch and my shoulders gave a little this last Friday. But they still need a lot of work as does my pect and lower back muscles.

I have to say how fortunate I am to find the right people who are helping me towards achieving better health and weight. Both Steve and Jeremy are very encouraging about the progress I have made so far. I think my brain doesn't want to celebrate too much as I know I have still have far to go. My mom, who sees me everyday, is always telling me how different I look. But I do need to recognize the hurdles I've already made it through - positive thinking, Amy, C'mon, you can do it!

Training Session #16 - My Three Chins

2009-07-01T23:00:00.000-07:00

July 1, 2009 - Spent a large amount of the day out in the sun and heat with my Activity Day girls at Camp Jeremiah Johnson. This was probably the first day that I was out in the heat for the large portion of the day and was sweating like crazy! We've had such a cool and wet spring and it just barely is hitting in the 90's. The girls had a blast! I had to leave a bit early to get to the gym...

Afraid of the results. I knew my weight wasn't down much and was so scared for the measurements. As I was changing into my gym clothes, I noticed my legs and ankles were a bit swollen. You know those indentations that your socks leave, yep, present and accounted for. I hadn't had any edema since I started training. (Before, yes, LOTS and ever present!) I have been so conscious of keeping my diet extremely low-sodium so it just wasn't making sense.

The results: everything still went down except my neck, which went up! Whyyyy!!?? I was only down about 2 pounds over 2 1/2 weeks but fortunately, that was the last thing we measured. Biggest achievement - waist down another 1/2"! The caliper measurements are starting to get painful. He really has to pull at my skin to get a fold to measure as I have been so tight lately.

Caliper Bi - 17.9

Caliper Tri - 22.9

Caliper Sub - 28

Caliper Iliac - 23.8

Body Fat % - 36.2

Neck - 13.5

Chest - 44.25

Upper Arm - 12.5

Forearm - 10.12

Waist - 37.75

Hip - 47.75

Thigh - 23.7

Calf - 15.3

Weight - 208

Biggest accomplishment - I have consistantly been down 0.8% body fat each time and this time it was still 0.7%

I mentioned to Steve that lately my shins have been hurting alot, but especially that day. He took a look and noticed how swollen my legs were. Then he placed his thumb on my shin and pushed down on it little by little all the way down my shin - OH MERCY, OOUUUCHHHH! He said there was a lot of water that had pooled on my muscles. Conclusion: over exertion, my body hasn't acclimated to the heat, AND I'm not getting enough electrolytes - i.e. sodium and potassium. What....?! Really? I guess I've been a little too conservative on the sodium as I had depleted my body of electrolytes which then resulted in water retention. So crazy, it's a wacky balance where too much or too little have the same results. Solution: chugged a "Zero" sports drink when I got home, elevated my legs and iced all night. I'm still needing more info on this subject as it has me confused.

And I'm so frustrated with the small amount of weight that was lost. I've gotten to this point before and never can seem to get below 200 pounds. Steve is changing up the workouts a bit. I can pack on muscle quickly and not tire of the weights. But as soon as my heart rate starts to go up by cardio or circuit training, I have to rest a lot. Sounds like Steve wants me to bust through that fatigue as he says he needs all my cardio to really count now. Today, he wasn't giving me much time to catch my breath between sets. I was sopping wet when we were done!

Training Session #15 - Defying Gravity

2009-06-29T23:22:00.000-07:00

June 29, 2009 - Mom was sick today and so it was just Steve and I. What that really meant was that my rest between sets was greatly reduced as he didn't have to show her what to do when I usually take a breather.

He is starting me on more combo type exercises. Meaning, we usually would do a push type exercise then a pull and back and forth. Now we're heading more into a push set followed by one or two more push exercises. The workouts certainly haven't gotten easier but I'm finding that I can do certain things that used to really seem impossible. Step ups on the bench and pushups are becoming less of a burden and I'm finding I don't dread it.

I wear my Wicked tshirt sometimes to work out in that says "Defying Gravity" on the back. Not so much today. He had me do a new bench exercise that I honestly didn't think I could do. Found out I could, but pushed myself too hard on the last set as my foot caught the side of the bench and I had a quick encounter with the floor. It did leave a few bruises on my legs but was more of an embarrassment than anything.

I think my self doubt and negative talk is taking a toll as my weight hasn't seemed to budge since the last weigh in.

A Healthy Obsession?

2009-06-28T21:30:00.000-07:00

No training sessions for this post. Just a strange observation.

My husband and I went up to Jackson Hole and Yellowstone for the weekend to celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary. I even shocked myself about how bent out of shape I got when I found out the fitness center at the hotel we were staying at was closed down. Fortunately they had a pool. And get this, before we left, I grilled a bunch of chicken and froze it and cut up enormous amounts of veggies and fruit so that I didn't have to eat high fat/high sodium fast food. I had to throw out some the last day as they didn't have a fridge or microwave at the hotel either (Note to self: Never stay at the Grand Targhee Resort ever again: stinky moldy smell, hardly any amenities and poor service!) But Jackson and Yellowstone was as awesome as can be!

Training Session #13 & #14 - Can I Do It?

2009-06-24T22:35:00.000-07:00

June 22nd and 24th, 2009 - I can sum up these sessions with one word - limitations. I know that Steve is a trained professional and I'm putting my trust in him that he has my health and safety in mind. Lately, he has been asking me to try exercises that would certainly show improvement in my strength and agility. But a few times, I doubt my abilities of whether I can do it and a few times just could not pull it off. I don't know why but I get scared and and tell myself I can't do it. In talking with Steve, he says he knows I can but that I'm telling myself I can't. It's so frustrating that he has more confidence in my abilities than I do and I get down on myself when I wimp out or just can't push it any further.

The exercises? Jumping up on a bench. I was so afraid of catching my toes on the edge and falling. I've seen women bigger than I doing it on the Biggest Loser. But it scared me!
We resorted to a jump on a machine that was no more than 4 inches high. Or taking the walking pushups futher with a split jump in between the pushup and the walk. This I could do, but not the distance he had first set.

I know my strength and abilities have improved enormously. I'm just frustrated...

Training Session #12 - Sucking It In

2009-06-18T22:10:00.000-07:00

June 17, 2009 - Major ab day! My newest trick, sit ups while tossing a weighted ball back and forth to Steve. Twice, yes twice, I missed the catch somehow and the ball landed directly on my stomach. It knocked the wind right out of me but I couldn't stop laughing. Oh me, oh my, did my abs hurt the day after.

Another new trick, NOT having to suck in my stomach when I put my pants on. Us FAT girls have to do it every time. You pull up your pants and suck in as far as you can while trying to get the zipper to the top. Not an easy feat sometimes. Well, out of habit, I was still doing that. Funny thing lately was that after I zip them up quite effortlessly, I pulled the button hole over to button them up and couldn't find the button. Can you imagine my surprise to find that I had overlapped the button about 2 inches from the buttonhole?! Oh yeah, they are getting loose!

I wasn't noticing either until recently that I was no longer pulling my pants or shorts down over my belly that I was working out in. They always felt so short and I was so self conscious that they looked so bad. Either they were getting longer or they had less surface to have to cover - I'm going with the second.

Training Session #11 - Can It Be True?

2009-06-18T21:25:00.000-07:00

June 15, 2009 - The fat is melting off! It's been 5 weeks since we've been working with Steve and I'm down 12 pounds and nearly 6 inches overall.

The measurements:
Caliper Bi - 18.3
Caliper Tri - 25.5
Caliper Sub - 28.8
Caliper Iliac - 24.4
Body Fat % - 36.9
Neck - 13.25
Chest - 45.25
Upper Arm - 12.75
Forearm - 10.12
Waist - 38.38
Hip - 48
Thigh - 23.7
Calf - 15.5
Weight - 210

Biggest accomplishment: 1 inch off my thighs and although my measurements didn't move as much as the last time, I was still down again about .8% body fat.

Training Session #9 & #10 - Throw in the Disc

2009-06-18T21:20:00.000-07:00

June 8 & 10, 2009 - OK, hmmm. This is new. Looks easy enough, right? Umm, yahhh, not so much. Especially with shoes on (more flat surface to balance) and with weights in your hands doing bicep curls or squats. Even harder? Bend your knees and it throws off your center of balance. And done in between workouts that are getting consistantly harder. Nuf said...

'Cept measurements again next session. Blahhh.

Training Session #8 - Dem Stairs

2009-06-18T21:17:00.000-07:00

June 3, 2009 - I believe this contraption was formerly made as a torture device. And if you really want to work up to a fill-up-even-your-shoes type of sweat, come meet your maker. I had no idea I could sweat so much and did this after an intense arm work day. I loathe you stair machine....

Training Session #7 - Facing the Measurements

2009-06-18T21:15:00.000-07:00

June 1, 2009 - OK, anxiety was up again. I could definitely feel my clothes starting to get loose and of course, have my own scale saying I was down. But I had a few setbacks. My husband, mom and I take turns making dinner and my husband got pizza one night. I was soooo MAD! That's like putting booze in front of an alcoholic! I ate the food on my plan that evening while watching them dig in. It was agonizing!! The next day, I wasn't able to resist the leftovers. I only ate 2 pieces but was kicking myself after.

NOTE TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY: Please, please, please, if you care even a little about me, please don't tempt me! Of course, I would wish that there was only healthy food available at family gatherings, get togethers with friends or eating out and never have the temptation. An unrealistic wish, I know, and I won't tell you how to eat. My will power is growing but there are those times when I feel like throwing it all out the window. The less it's available, the better. I don't have cravings anymore but if I see someone eating something I used to love, it just about kills me! Like pizza (fat), chinese food (sodium), and ice cream (sugar). I don't keep any of it in the house (except Scott's stash which as long as I don't know it's there, it's not a problem!) Anyway, please help me stay on track!

But regardless of my moment of weakness, these were some good numbers!

The measurements:
Caliper Bi - 19.9
Caliper Tri - 27.4
Caliper Sub - 30.6
Caliper Iliac - 25.4
Body Fat % - 37.7
Neck - 13.25
Chest - 45.25
Upper Arm - 13
Forearm - 10.25
Waist - 38.7
Hip - 48.5
Thigh - 24.7
Calf - 15.7
Weight - 216

Biggest accomplishment: Well they were all down a lot but almost 2 inches off my chest and 1 1/2 inches off my hips - woo hoo! Overall, I was down about 5 inches in about 3 weeks.

As far as the workouts, I really am enjoying them. Steve is excellent at mixing up what we do so it never gets boring or monotonous. Challenging.....?! Absolutely!! And he's starting me into circuits.

Training Session #4, #5 & #6 - Under the Big Top

2009-06-18T21:10:00.000-07:00

May 20th, 27th and 29th - I'm writing these first posts nearly a month after these sessions so remembering back exactly what we worked on and how I was feeling was kind of a blur. Looking at the list of things we did, there were a few that felt like I was auditioning for the circus:

Ball squats using a ball behind us in a seated position. Not too bad until Steve pushed my toes up and made me hold the position for what seemed like forever! And the last set, throwing a weighted ball back and forth while holding. Ouch! A few days after, I sneezed really hard and my hand immediately went to my abs in pain!

A chest press that came from the high wire. Using two cables that extended about a foot taller than me, pulled out and balanced on in a push up position - and then doing pushups! I guess I wasn't the only one who thought this was hard when my mom asked if my face was supposed to be turning purple.

And another NOT favorite: step ups on a bench about 18 inches high. You know, step up with one foot, bring up the other and raise the knee, step down and step back with the other foot, over and over and over and over...

Ok, good two more days under my belt and I've been able to do most everything Steve has thrown my way. Then Steve announces next Monday is measurement day. Oh for the love, already?!

Training Session #3 - Now He's Done It!

2009-06-18T21:04:00.000-07:00

Monday, May 18, 2009 - Up to this point, for cardio, my mom and I would just go down to the park and walk for 1/2 hour to an hour. Mom likes to walk and I was having a hard time keeping up with her pace. I did it anyway! But, at this point, my mom and I's weight training are starting to change. Her limitations begin much sooner than mine and so he seems to be working the same muscle groups for both of us but either I will do an entirely different movement or the same but with heavier weights and/or reps.

Walking lunges w/#10-15 weights, standing rows w/#80-95 weights, push ups alternating a leg up, bicep curl w/#10 weights, and shoulder press on knees w/#10 weights

Fairly easy, right?! Oh no, that's not all. My new nemisis - walking pushups. They must have derived from the underworld! Basically 10 pound weights held in push up position (no knees!). Then do a push up, walk the weights out with your arms and then step up with your feet and then another pushup. I don't know if it was because it was the last set of the day and I was exhausted or that I am so out of shape but that was torture! And Steve wanted me to walk across the width of the gym. So frustrating that I could only do about 3 or 4 before I had to rest and then start again.

Training Session #2 - You Say It Was Easy?

2009-06-18T21:02:00.000-07:00

Weds, May 13, 2009 - Okay, okay, it was absolutely nothing like this. We told him that we didn't feel any soreness from the previous session. He asked if I did want to be feeling it and I hesitantly answered yes. I think Steve was happy to hear that he could step it up a notch. Maybe it was the mischievious smirk on his face and the "Oh, Yeah" that gave it away.

Seated lat pulls, standing cable row, lunges with #10 weight, regular pushups, abs on the ball, and the roman chair, knees up - I HATE that thing! My upper body strength is still so weak and my weight still so heavy that I sink down as I go and have to readjust.

And yes, I was sore that time!

Oh, and the measurements, (this is really putting myself out there but I hope in time I can come back and see my progress and we all have to start somewhere, right?):
Caliper Bi - 21.7
Caliper Tri - 29.8
Caliper Sub - 31
Caliper Iliac - 27.9
Body Fat % - 38.5
Neck - 13.25
Chest - 47
Upper Arm - 13.12
Forearm - 10.5
Waist - 38.89
Hip - 49.9
Thigh - 25.25
Calf - 16.23
Weight - 222 (this is down even from the week before when I wasn't working out!)

The food...

2009-06-18T21:01:00.000-07:00

You know, this part has been much easier than I thought. First of all, any nutrition plan that makes me record what I eat and how much exercise I'm getting in can shove it! Who wants to micro manage their life like that?! We train with Steve two days of the week with weight training, he tells us what to do for the other weight training day and leaves the cardio days up to us. Nothing to record and no guess work. Love it!

Steve gave us a very simple food plan. We eat pretty much the same things every day but it certainly takes the mystery out planning our meals and groceries. And it all makes so much sense. We eat about 1500 calories a day. I would say most days I can't even get in all this food but there are other days when temptation got the best of me or I was really hungry that I went over. Whole foods, lean meats and eliminate the fat, sugar and a big one though usually ignored, salt. You wouldn't believe how much sodium there is in prepackaged preserved foods!! And the huge culprit to retaining water and weight. Seriously, check your packages, you will be amazed! And I was never a soda drinker but even those diet drinks are loaded with sodium.

Breakfast: 3 egg whites and one whole egg (I never have been able to eat all of that!) and 1/2 C lowfat yogurt (we eat Activia which is fat free and 70 calories)

Morning Snack: Fruit (equivalent of 6 medium strawberries) and 1 oz almonds (about 21)

Lunch: 3 oz lean meat, 3/4 C brown rice, 1 C veggies

Afternoon Snack: 1/2 C fruit, 4 oz cottage cheese or a lowfat string cheese

Dinner: 4 oz lean meat, 1 C brown rice, 1 C veggies

Evening Snack: 2 rice cakes

Thank goodness for summer. We grill chicken, salmon, and lean cuts of beef for our meat and make our own marinades with as little sodium as possible. And we bought a rice cooker and always have that on hand. Sometimes we will substitute whole wheat bread (that mom makes, yum!) or whole grain pasta.

Easy, peasy, lemon squeezy!

Training Session #1 - Feeling Like a Fish out of Water

2009-06-18T21:00:00.000-07:00

Monday, May 11th, 2009 - Oh crap, what the heck do I wear? Nothing fits, it's starting to warm up and I hate the gym due to all the beautiful people there staring at the beached whale flopping around like a fish out of water. I find an old Lowe's t-shirt and the loosest pair of warmups; that I had to keep pulling down past my huge belly so they don't look like floods.

Not sure exactly where the gym is that we are meeting Steve at and got there a bit late. (I'm always late, if you all don't already know that!) My anxiety was through the roof but I was surprisingly pleased! The biggest thing, the gym was nearly empty! Hoooorayyy!! I really don't think most fit people (unless a former FAT person) understand the terror felt working out around a lot of people. You are weak, clumbsy, self-conscious and fat. Ironically, I made an appointment with Steve a few years back when he trained at 24 Hour Fitness. When I walked into that gym and not only saw a ton of people but really fit ones, I went to the office and cancelled it and walked out. (Now Steve, how come you didn't call me back? Hmmmm, ...just kidding)

Not this time, not only was the gym empty but Steve was there and ready to go. I've come to realize that you really need to have a trainer you relate with well. Fortunately, I already knew him and his personality. And he knew me and the potential of my abilities. 10 years ago, we both worked in a garden center where all day was spent lugging around 10-15 gallon trees, 50 pound fertilizer and soil bags and loading up lawn mowers, BBQ's and retaining wall block for customers. I think at one time, I was put in a supervisor position over Steve but I never asked anyone to do anything I wouldn't do. (ha, now it's Steve's turn to pay me back for bossing him around!) When my mom and I made our appointment, we both expressed that we didn't want to start off too hard, and he listened.

Except, it was too easy. I'm going to add this just to show where we started:

Standing Bicep curls w/#10 weights, Seated shoulder press w/#8 weights, Leg extension w/#35 weight, and Tricep Rope w/#40 weights

Real Gone

2009-06-18T16:34:00.000-07:00

June 18, 2009 - Today is the beginning of my ramblings. This blog is meant mostly a way to motivate myself towards becoming a more healthy, thinner and confident me which will then result in a better wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, leader and teacher. But I also can say what I want, put on it whatever I want and even be boldly candid. Since I started my stamp blog, it's been slowly whittled down to what is acceptable among a home business and stamp blogs. I have to be careful what I say as, YES, I'm quite opinionated and have to bite my tongue - A LOT!! It's all good since it is a business but sometimes I just need a place where I can be ME! If I want to write and write or not post for awhile, put on music, videos and tons of photos, I'm not worrying if it's deferring traffic.

I've decided the song "Real Gone" from Cars is currently my theme song. (Yes, my life is relative to all things kids right now which I still am beyond thrilled that it is - post for another day if you don't already know why). The line that would describe above: "Sometimes I have a big mouth when I see something I don't like...I've gotta say it!" ....Yep.

So to begin, I've been carrying A LOT of extra weight for MIGHTY too long! And as most fat people (and yes, let's be real, it's FAT so why try to disguise it with some cutesy distracting name), I have all the excuses:

Depression - I was diagnosed and have been treated for chronic depression since I was 15 (1989). Depression runs deep on both sides of my parents lines. Over 20 years, I've taken anti-depressants such as Wellbutrin, Paxil, Prozac, and Lexapro and for the most part have worked well enough that most people would have no idea. In the back of my mind, I think I knew most of these caused weight gain but back then the goal was to treat the depression. The Wellbutrin was taken for the longest duration until my husband and I had been married for nearly 5 years and hadn't been successful in conceiving. Then the others were prescribed as we battled...

Infertility - Huge shock especially since my mom had 6 pregnancies in 6 years - (yeah, think that one through). She lost one a few months preterm but I am the 2nd of 5 and the only girl. Scott and I used birth control for a few years then stopped it and thought nature would run it's course. Nature was a NO SHOW. We worked with a fertility specialist for about a year (2000) but that proved not only ineffective but turned me into a massive emotional wreck. During that year of temperature readings, ultrasounds, samples and tests and a Dr telling you when and when not to have sex, I had a pelvic laproscopy which revealed...

Stage 3 Endometriosis (you mean not every girl has periods that feel like daggers thrust in the abdomen and out for days on end? News to me - remember I was the only girl and never mentioned "such things" to a very private mom) and a very insensitive call from the nurse telling me I had...

PCOS - poly cystic ovarian syndrome. The fertility Dr had me on so many med's that altered my hormones which in turn messed with my mental health to the point I wasn't sleeping and was seeing hallucinations. Yeah, ever gone without sleep for over 3 days? That's when you start seeing people who look like Gandolf the White from Lord of the Rings. (Ask my hubby about that, funny story). At one point, I was taking Clomid, Progesterone, Estrogen, nasty huge prenatals, whatever antidepressant was being prescribed that month, 2 birth control pills a day (for the months I was trying to get rid of the cysts that had formed from a mix of Clomid and my PCOS) AND because of the intense sleeplessness, Ambien for the...

Insomnia - which I had been battling since my teenage years. Could have been a side effect from the anti-depressants or the fact that my bedroom was across from my parents room. From the time I was 16, I woke up for early morning seminary at 5:30 AM, promptly to high school and then directly to my nearly full time job at good ole' Kmart. Not sure when I did my homework but was able to keep up a 3.8 GPA despite the fact that my parents were in a very unhappy marriage. Their arguing would go late into the night and my anxiety rose between the fighting and getting up the nerve to interrupt and ask them to keep it down. (They had a TV in their room and the show M.A.S.H. was always on, can't stomach that sitcom to this day). Well, near the end of the fertility circus, my parents decided to...

Divorce - Now if you're just reading the headings of each paragraph, no, it wasn't my husband and I. (We just celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary, June 14, 1995 and looking forward to many, many more). But my parents divorce was painfully heartbreaking. I think I had always hoped they would be able to make it work. And I don't care how old you are or what the circumstances may be, divorce is tragic. Having been born and raised a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS), even at age 30, I was questioning my Sunbeam days of the importance of families and being together for eternity. Here my parents are no longer married, my dad remarries a women who I never met and I find out I can't have children. You better believe I had suicide on the brain.

I always thought I was a healthy person. I didn't get sick hardly at all as a child, my attendance records for school, church and work were near perfect and besides the depression, had no other ailments. I get extremely annoyed by hypochondriacs and was horrified of the huge laundry list of problems my health records were showing. Well, it was a hard decision but I was a few steps away from the psychiatric ward, so we decided to stop the fertility treatments. I was sooo relieved to stop taking all those pills and did all but the antidepressants cold turkey. I think I try to convince myself that if I'm not taking med's for those problems, they no longer exist. Yeah, doesn't work that way. Denial is not just a river in Egypt, right?

And the weight started packing on............ About 10 pounds a year.

It's been about 9 years since then. Even though still painful to think back on, I've been able to come to peaceful terms about my family being broken apart and my infertility. So much of that has to do with the fact that on December 19, 2004; Scott and I were amazingly blessed with a baby born to a birth mom who chose us to be his parents. On days like today when Jackson has been a little 4 year old monster, it's very sweet to remember how the news of his arrival eased so much of that pain. (Wow, the denial thing is hitting again. I'm sure I've convinced myself that I was completely over all that but writing this down really for the first time has caused my eyes to spring a leak. I guess some heartbreaks will always hurt). But we are ever so grateful and love our Jackson more than words can say. He has brought a tenderness back into my life that has allowed those wounds to heal. That kind of happiness today will always over shadow those hurts of yesterday.

OK, I digress. Back to why I'm doing this blog...

Back to "Real Gone" from Cars (you have to sing it for real effect):

Well, we've been driving this road for a mighty long time
Paying no mind to the signs
Well, this neighborhood's changed
It's all been rearranged
We left that team somewhere behind

Ok, cheee-zee, I know. (MY blog, r'member?!) It seems everyone gets to a point in their life when enough is enough, or at least I hope they do. We all have these things we hang onto among them tough emotional trauma or our weight or in my case, both. I've used that huge laundry list above as a crutch and prohibited myself to become healthy. I have tried many weight loss pills and programs over the years; Metabolife (before they removed the Ephedera), Green Tea, Phentermine, Liv Skinny, Jenny Craig, and many more, some I can't even remember. Some worked for a little while, some would seem to work but I just couldn't keep it going and some were just a bunch of gimmick's.

One of my brothers had gastric bypass several months ago. I'm not going to condone that practice especially for him as he was very overweight and was heading for even worse conditions. The surgery has proved to help him and he is now running marathons. (No kidding, he just went through an ugly divorce and I'm so proud of him and how he is now choosing to live his life.)

As I will also not condone the proper use and treatment of conditions with prescriptions and medications. Depression is a real thing. (My baby brother once explained to me how mental conditions are the only ones where someone may decide not to treat it even though the condition itself is altering their decision making skills. Of course, I wouldn't leave addictions out of this category but I think the relation is very close) I have a former bishop who speaks on this topic a lot and he says that Heavenly Father has a hand in modern technology these days and why would we turn down something that could improve our lives?! But the extremely difficult part is finding the one that works for you. I just didn't pop out of my deep depression immediately after getting Jackson. It didn't help that I don't like to go within 100 feet of a Dr but I did when my meds just didn't seem to help at all, usually.

Then this spring, a chain of events just came together. The miraculous part is that they happened through completely different people who have no relation to each other other than they are my amazing friends and family who may not know how much their small acts are changing my life.

My depression had seem to hit another long low and of course, I wasn't about to pick up the phone and make an appointment with the Dr. My incredibly amazing friend, Lara, who also battles depression, came over one day after I had been hiding for weeks. She actually stood at the door and knocked for what seemed like 10 minutes until I realized she wasn't going to leave. As soon as I opened the door, she promptly asked for the phone book, looked up her psychiatrist's office number, dialed it, asked me what kind of Dr. I would click better with, told the receptionist she needed to make an appointment and handed the phone to me. I would imagine many people would not be too happy with this approach but I love this lady too much and understood that it was time to make a change.

Over a few months I worked with Jason Andersen, psychiatrist, making very small changes. He is good, real good. What I was taking before does cause weight gain, fatigue and insomnia, which all just intensifies the depression more! I had full panel blood work done before I started working with him and brought that to him. Even though my thyroid was still within the normal limits, it was close to the margin and with my other problems, he started me on Synthroid. I am now ovulating!!! What, was it really just that easy? He was hoping that would help with my mood but I didn't see any big changes. Then he decided to throw caution to the wind and treat me for problems I had with focusing, staying on task and concentration. What I found amazing was that my depression could very well be a side effect of another condition and currently he is treating that and I'm on NO anti-depressants and feeling better than I have in years!! The constant tiredness is gone and I no longer feel like I need to eat everything in the house. My energy has picked up immensely and I can now focus on small projects instead of seeing my never ending to-do lists as one huge task. And the tasks piled in as...My mom moved in with us. She made a hard decision to leave her best friend in New Mexico and start a new job in Salt Lake and be closer to her kids. At first, the adjustment was hard on all of us. Just new energy in the house and getting used to the way we all did things. But I am so happy to have her here. I've never had a sister to do girly things with and it's been so fun to have that outlet. And I never had the time, energy or desire to fix up our home that we have lived in for nearly 10 years. But we've been scraping ceilings, taping, painting and picking out new decor and it's starting to look great! We still have a way to go but it's coming. (The pict above is cracks me up because Jackson loves to watch Nana put on her makeup and do it with her. I guess I turned out to be a big tomboy in so many ways as I still hate to wear makeup, I dress for comfort and get ready in the morning in no time flat. Mom was a former beauty queen takes a loooong time to get ready but always looks gorgeous and tailored. Her only daughter wanted nothing to do with it!) My desire to really start again with trying to lose weight sprung from my coworkers. I started working for an accounting firm, Squire, in the fall of 2002 as an assistant to the business advisory and audit partners. It was a big change from my previous employer, Lowe's, where I served many jobs over 8 years but mostly as the buyer for the plants in the nursery. I was more than thrilled to get out of retail and was so grateful for a workplace who cared about their employees. Plus, I loved my job! It was stressful but really educated me in so many ways! Once Jackson came, I cut my hours down until he was about 2 and then was given an opportunity to work with the technology department and snatched that up immediately. But because I'm now very part time and mostly work in the evenings, I miss out a lot on all the happenings. And this past year was noticing my desk dweller coworkers shrinking, and so many of them! I miss staff meetings and found out they had a fitness/training company come in and talk with the employees about nutrition and exercise. Cool, huh?! Some of them signed up with that company and others found other programs and trainers, but they were losing weight! In talking with one of my coworkers, she had found a gym and trainer for a much smaller fee than the company that Squire had brought in. I was so close to seeking them out when...

My mom and I went to a Women's Expo at Utah Valley University. I've gone to several others in the past, but by myself. It was so great to have my mom there and made it more fun to goof around and try out new things. It was fortunate that she had the day off due to a training she had been at with her job because we were ready to leave when I noticed a former Lowe's coworker.. Steve. He had a booth there promoting the start up of his new business, Shift Fitness and Nutrition. OK, usually when I see people I once knew, I will immediately make a detour so they won't see me. (I even dodged having to get my picture taken for the Squire bios, go look and see.) I was putting on about 10 pounds a year and I think the last time I saw him was in 2000 when I was about 130 pounds and hadn't yet started fertility. (I have a really bad memory so a lot of back then is just a blur. His wife, Stephanie, and I worked together for some time in purchasing -before Lowe's bought out Eagle Hardware, boooooo!). From what I remember, Steve may have to correct me, he was just starting in the fitness training while he was was at Eagle. Regardless, both he and Steph were very fit and health conscious.

Anywhoo, he was giving out water and we were thirsty. And I was curious what he was up to as I had heard he and he wife were finally able to conceive. (Two gorgeous kids, so happy for you Steph and Steve!) After a bit of chit chat, he told us a bit about his training and I was telling him how I was looking into it. And then a huge shocker, my mom expressed she always wanted to do that and we walked away with our first session that Monday.

Okay...., yeah, scary. Why will this effort be different than the others? I'm a jump-in-head-first type of person, go like a wild woman and then get burned out and quit.

Except, my attitude this time IS different. This is the philosophy according to Amy, your head has to be in the game. My previous attempts were a battle as I was trying to fix physical problems and still dealing with an unhealthy emotional mind. I was (here goes, scary number) 232 pounds before Dr. Andersen started treating me. I was feeling well enough and already taking care of myself better that by the time we ran into Steve, I was already down to about 225. And counting....

And, I have these plus's: I was a SKINNY KID - even when I started taking anti-depressants, my weight fluctuated a little but managable.

I was an ACTIVE KID - I loved to be outside, played soccer, rode my bike, swim, do gymnastics and in high school was on the diving team. When I was in my 20's, before and after I was married, my hubby and I had a boat and water skiied, played racquetball, biked and hiked, a lot! I enjoy these things still.

Well here I come and I'm so not scared,
Got my pedal to the metal, got my hands in the air
Look out, you take your blinders off
Everybody's looking for a way to get real gone
Real gone.