Awakenings

Robin Williams is brilliant! (Good Will Hunting, August Rush, Dead Poets Society, Mrs. Doubtfire, Bicentennial Man, Patch Adams...brilliant...)

I saw Awakenings back in the early '90's.  It is one of those that sink to the core of your soul and certain experiences in life bring you back to those feelings.  I haven't been blogging like I had hoped but felt I needed to reflect at my midway point.  I realized I'm almost six months into my Ironman training (and six months to go!) and couldn't help but find many parallels:

1) There are many debilitating life events which cause irreversible physical and mental challenges and we cannot CONTROL nor stop life from happening.  The childhood vision of my adult life did not include a dysfunctional and abusive home and the environmental and genetic causes of depression, anxiety, insomnia, eating disorders, scoliosis, infertility, divorce and no feelings of worth.  I always considered myself a very healthy child and these conditions were not CONTROLLABLE.

2) No HOPE of a cure, fix or future. Unfortunately, these conditions have existed among my family pedigree for generations.  So many continually blame their actions on anything and everything but themselves.  I also blamed... myself, as a result of something I did.  In both cases, these conditions provide the "elephant in the room" affect.  Everyone knows the dysfunction exists and still refuse to acknowledge, confront or console.  I believe there are appropriate times and places but simply ignoring a sliver doesn't mean it won't get infected.  "You'd think at a certain point all these atypical somethings would amount to a typical something" -Awakenings

3) I'm an intelligent person but I realized I also just LIVEd my life as others told me to.  Do YOUR duties you have been assigned, disregard your OWN needs, and be obedient.  I was married for 10 years before I became a mother and that was my only desire and plan.  10 years: could have completed school, could be in much better shape, could have lived a different LIFE.  In retrospect, the experiences AND blessings that came about cannot be replaced and I would be ungrateful to wish them differently. However, I recently came to the realization that so much of how I lived was a result of others THOUGHTS and expectations.   I don't consider myself an expert in fitness but I do know what works for me.  Extremes in workouts, diets, expensive sports gear, races, advice and negative thinking does not work -period!  And I will not look back in June or even 10 years later and regret that I am doing things the way I know works for me. "Frank, how do you feel?" "Well, my parents are dead. My wife is in an institution. My son has disappeared out west somewhere. I feel old and I feel swindled, that's how I feel." -Awakened patient

4) If you push against the current, you will experience opposition.  Despite trying to live out everyone's expectations but my own, NOTHING I have experienced so far IS a result of convention; my children, my job or my journey toward athleticism.  There will always be those who put down, disapprove and scoff at what may seem IMPOSSIBLE.  My second triathlon in St. George - and first official non hometown race - caused me to rethink continuing this crazy quest.  I watched hardcore, muscular, and fit pro athletes check in the day before the race and felt I had no business being there.  I'm vividly aware that I'm still overweight and slower than the majority but raceday - I did it and felt good doing it! I can't count how many times I've been told, "you're crazy... I don't run...I don't swim...I would never do that..."  etc... Exactly what are they telling me, really?  "What must it be like to be them? What are they thinking?" - "They're not. The virus didn't spare the higher faculties" - "We know that for a fact?" -"Yes" - "Because?" - "Because the alternative would be unthinkable". -Awakenings convo between old Dr. and new Dr.

5) Surround yourself with PASSION.  Dr. Sayer in Awakenings had a fire that others before him let die.  I began my training with a group of 10 women and my Dr.  In three months time, the group has theoretically disbanded.  I can't speak for everyone in the group collectively; but from my observations, the key element many of them was missing was passion. There were many other obstacles that they did or did not have control over but I believe if you have a will, you will find a way.  I needed to find alternative training options and was fortunate to find a trainer and a group who doesn't have to be convinced every day to workout, coaxed into pushing a bit harder or begged into a race.  And I have found mentors who believe in me and my abilities.  I made huge efforts to encourage the group I was formerly training with only to find there was little reciprocation.  As with anyone else, I have had moments of weakness and I'm grateful to those who have given me the boost to keep pushing forward.


6) You can accomplish anything with enough DEDICATION, commitment and overcoming obstacles.  You simply can't do anything with passion alone.  It also requires work and allowing yourself to make mistakes and/or coming up a bit short.  But you keep working, you course correct, set realistic expectations and goals and give yourself enough credit for what you have accomplished.  I have also found that my competitive streak ends at myself.  I realized when I no longer try and keep up/stay behind with everyone else and focus on what I am doing, I am better.  In the beginning, I believe it is helpful to have other "reasons" (family members, friends, coaches, etc) to get you moving but ultimately the dedication needs to lie deep within yourself.  I have been fortunate to have those with better skills help me through races and push me harder and can't say enough what that has done for me!

7) You need to find what MOVEs you!  In Awakenings, there are two patients, one who began to move with classical music and the other with rock.  Personally, I highly dislike aerobics or any class in which the instructor yells at me either because the music is too loud or they just like to yell.  Or they don't stay focused on what I came to do whether it be nutrition, the class, training, or a massage.  I came for a purpose and it is not to hear about what a certain celebrity is up to, the latest Twilight movie or even how terrible their day went.  I have a huge desire to connect with people but under the fitness focus, I am more motivated by those who are prepared and on task.  Be it going to several different classes, instructors, trainers, therapists; eventually I have found those that keep me motivated. Also, most of the races do not allow earphones or music.  So I have been training in silence.  Turns out, I can push myself harder in training thus increasing my skills with the right tunes.  I call them my angry tunes: Green Day, Linkin Park, etc.  If it's screaming, can't hear the lyrics, or no beat, they are off the list. 

8) PATIENCE is imperative!  So you work your tail off, feel super strong and yet still find yourself not as far along as you hoped?  Seems a bit counter productive to give up.  If anything, you've worked your tail off and you are super strong.  I seriously doubt feeling anything but grateful and happy with your accomplishments would be insulting to your efforts.  Practice makes permanent...do we all really have to be perfect? 

What does this beginner triathlete/future Ironman need?: Controlling The Controllable, Never Losing Hope, Living Your Own Life And Thoughts, Nothing Is Impossible, Passion, Dedication, Moving Forward, and Patience.

Hello. My name is Amy. It has been explained to me that I've been away for quite some time. I'm back....

Well, it's still a work in progress...



The human spirit is more powerful than any drug, and that is what needs to be nourished: with work, play, friendship, family.  These are the things that matter.  This is what we have forgotten - the simplest things.

No Backing Down Now!!

Everyone has fears, right?  

1) I really hate snakes and mice.  Eww, they just make my skin crawl!  Watching my step-brother feed his pet boa a mouse just about did me in.  Worse than that?
2) I'm, really, really scared of losing my children, even temporarily.  I once lost Jackson for about 45 minutes when he was about 2 1/2.  He was out on the driveway riding his trike and I was cleaning the garage.  I ran inside for about 5 minutes and came out and he was gone, just his trike sitting there uninhabited!  After frantically running our normal path to the park and back, checking with a neighbor and then calling the police, we found he had wandered to a different neighbors house.  That will age a mom about 10 years!!  If I don't know where my kids are at every second, the anxiety grows quickly! And even worse...
3) Failure.  I really, really, really hate to take on something and find out I can't do it.  Even worse, when someone tells me I can't do something and then find out they were right.  Typically, if someone even mentions "you can't do it" or "it can't be done", realize that was just a CHALLENGE!!

Looking back at my weight loss journey from 3 years ago encourages me.  Realizing the reason I went on hiatus for some time makes me smile, I don't feel it a failure.  I was told by my fertility Dr. that my chances of having a baby were slim to none!  It makes me happy not only because I overcame that slim chance but that I was able to cross that "failure" off my list.  (And we weren't "trying") I've been reflecting on times my life has provided me opportunities when I least expect it.  I've been given similar opportunities despite the odds not being in my favor.  My current position with Squire has developed quite unconventionally. I don't have an accounting degree, in fact, I only have 1 semester of school.  What I did have was experience and it didn't come without hard work, perseverance and sacrifice. It began with a coworker (and now my incredible boss and first female partner of our firm, Jonyce!) presenting me with the opportunity and it grew from there.  And it will still require hard work; I will be starting SCHOOL in August!!

And as if working full time, school and being a mom isn't enough, why not one more thing..
How about a HALF IRONMAN?!!  Enter new opportunity:
I went in for my annual exam with my OB last week.  I was about 5 months overdue and after an extremely exhausting tax season, I was advised by my boss to take care of myself.  I was overly fatigued, surprisingly hadn't gained too much weight, and felt like something needing to be scraped off the pavement.  So I went into overdrive and met up with my psychiatrist, dermatologist and OB.  (Reminder - still need to get into dentist...).  Psych took blood tests and upped my thyroid; derm cut out 4 moles, found cancerous cells in 2, then cut out another 5 two weeks later including 1 on the right arch of my foot leaving me healing with 7 stitches in my FOOT- yeah, OUCH! (results still pending), and then my OB.  As far as I know everything was good and he agreed with upping the thyroid but at an even higher dosage.  Then he said, "wait right here, I want to ask you something after you get dressed".  I really didn't think anything of it.

Conversation commenced: Dr: How motivated are you about losing weight? Me: Really motivated! (I started a fitness challenge at work and was doing well until the foot surgery), D: Like on a scale from 1 to 10?, M: a 10 for sure!, D: How would you feel about training for a half Ironman?, M: A WHAT?!!, D: I'm getting together 10 of my patients to do a year long training for a Iron Half in June 2013, M: Uh.............OK!!!!!  What the?!  What just happened?!!

Here's the details:  His main purpose is for his daughter's health.  He felt if she had a group of people working toward the same goal and having to account to them, she would stay on track.  To tell you the truth, I work that same way!!  No one in the group has a BMI of 30 or less so we all have a lot of work to do.  We will be working out 2 hours a day, 4-6 hours on Saturdays.  He is doing all the training himself and we will have another resource for our meals and nutrition.  We will have to purchase any equipment we don't have and our race entry.  He is doing blood tests and measurements regularly...and not charging us for it!!!  They always say to consult with your Dr. before starting a weight loss program but imagine your Dr. there for every step?!!  My boss, Jonyce, said I was just handed my own Biggest Loser!!  How on earth could I turn that down?!!  And I just happened to be in the right place at the right time because he had most of the group together and they had already met together once.

Scared?!  Yes, a little.... Worried of failure?!  Absolutely NOT!!  Excited and Challenged?!!  HECK YEAH!!!  This blog is about to smoke!

Would love any encouragement!  To the naysayers... sure, bring it!  Just know that empowers me even more!

The End of the "Pre-Beginning" and Beginning of the End

Confusion is my middle name (or it might as well be since I don't really have one).  I have been training with Steve again since the middle of June this year.  Results over 5 months: ????.  It was VERY VERY slow going.  I don't know that my mind was 100% in it right away and I felt Steve wasn't either.  Without revealing every raw detail about what was going on in either of our lives, we have both been going through some transitional times, although similar, not connected in anyway.  The outcomes, also extremely different, and will still require much more time for either of us to be back in the groove.  It has been very frustrating from the training perspective but I really can't blame one person or thing specifically as it's been a tough year.  This bizarre time I now dub the "pre-beginning"  and I've officially declared yesterday the End Of It!!

I also began working completely full time at Squire in January of this year.  Two years ago, I had time to work out, shop, cook, get adequate sleep; had one less child and Jackson was a fairly self-sufficient preschooler (i.e. no diapers); my mom living with us and as a workout buddy (and a strange point of "intensity measurement", I'll have to explain later) and much less stress in my life.  I've had a very difficult time balancing my life now in order to get the sleep I need, eat correctly and get in all my exercise.

This is going to be a difficult "beginning" but none the less, one I'm going to fight with a vengeance until it's beat.  And I kind of take back the ???? results measurement.  I have no idea how much my weight, body fat or measurements have changed in the past 5 months as we have only taken measurements once.  I am down a size or two since we began and without a doubt much stronger and have more endurance than I think I left off with before I had to stop over 2 years ago.  Working out hasn't been so much of a burden (hope you're not reading this Steve!) as trying to fit it in.  I'm hoping with a change in my sitter (thanks Tory and Maria, so happy you are it!), that balance can be achieved because that will free up more time to hit the gym.

By my calculations from my previous successful attempt (before life as I knew it was permanently turned upside down by proving infertility doctors wrong), I was able to lose about 2 lbs and 1/4% body fat per week over the course of 16 weeks.  I actually have a date that I need to work towards (the occasion to be announced later, it is still in the works.  Although it will hit right before tax season ends, what's one more roadblock anyway?!). So keeping in mind the barriers that will hinder my progression, I am hoping to lose 30 pounds by April 7, 2012.  That works out roughly to be 1.58 pounds a week for the next 19 weeks, not quite 2 pounds as before but I still think will be a challenge.  This will be the "beginning" of the end and then I will set a new goal at that time.  I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to be under 150 pounds by Memorial Day (26 weeks) and be able to enjoy our Seven Peaks passes fully without wanting to hide myself when school is out.  That would require a bit more than 1.58 pounds a week but here's to hoping and not getting hung up on expecting....

Afterthought: To state "tough year" for me would be an outright understatement and I will be SO HAPPY to wish 2011 a hasty and readily goodbye. Personally, so much sadness, frustration, confusion, anger, loneliness, uncertainty and tears... lots and lots of tears. Among everything else, both my grandmas passed away (guessing also my last living grandpa soon to follow) as well as a client I was working fairly close with. There has been a lot of death this year, I've lost count how many funerals I've been to. So many people I know have lost jobs, their savings and their homes due to the economy and/or very strange natural disasters (flooding, tornadoes, fires) and even health issues. I think it would be ignorant to believe that our nation is doing well and so many people and businesses are down-hearted. I've never followed politics much but I will be very interested to see where things go in the next year before the election.  Mitt Romney is up in the polls to be elected president, the attacks on members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints have been ongoing but in my eyes, not widely accepted.  I really hope the US will think with their hearts and not so much with their pocketbooks next year!

Back At It...Wishing and Hoping!

I could just kick myself!

I was just thinking how quickly time has gone and that Paige will be 1 year old next month (April 16th). I don't know if any other mothers have felt a strange sadness when you realize that those baby moments are disappearing and it just makes my heart break. I read through my blog and have forgotten so many of the details of my pregnancy. I am actually amazed at myself for having these experiences and then the posts end... what else happened?!!! How did the rest of the pregnancy go? How was the birth? And the cause for my intense sadness - all the baby moments! From our experiences in the hospital to her growing and developing and all the milestones!!!????? Why hadn't I recorded all this?!! I am kicking myself now!!!

Well, thank goodness for my very anemic Facebook page, I was recording some things there. And I was very vigilant (obsessed, really!) about taking pictures nearly weekly of her developing. It will never really make up for the feelings and smells (I love the smell of Luvs diapers and her after a bath with Aveeno Lavender wash and lotioned all up!) and touch (her chubby legs and when she would grab my finger - even nursing!) every other emotion I was feeling but I am now on a mission to try and remember and post what I can. I'm sure this is mostly all for me. I'm guessing most of my readers have long since given up on any updates but now after realizing I don't have that journal, I'm sad that I didn't do it!! When Jackson was a baby, I kept copies of all the letters we wrote to his birthmom his first year of life. Gotta get going again so I don't forget our wonderful (and not so wonderful) times!

Not going to set any type of deadline to get it all done (I can't deal with pressure right now!) but I'm hoping that just writing it down that I'm going to do it, will get the ball rolling...!

Week 29 - Feb 22 - The Start of Childbirth Classes

It's been quite the eventful week. And mostly while I'm working to drag myself through it. I haven't been too successful taking my prenatals because they usually come right back up no matter what time of the day I take them. Unfortunately, the lack of iron and folic acid is leading to a case of anemia. My energy levels are nearly non-existant! It's going to be a vicious cycle to get my levels back up. Because with the nausea comes dehydration and iron causes blockage, I'm have other symptoms that are causing trouble!! I've been trying to eat more meat, spinach, citrus and broccoli in hopes of alleviating a lot of problems!! I have a Dr's appt next week and they will be doing a few blood tests to check all those things.

I finally made an appt to have a maternity massage. Since I'm carrying her so far into my back, her weight is settled on everything internal. My sciatic nerves, lower back and neck have just about had it!! I definitely waited too long as I think I hurt more after than when I went in. I scheduled a few more follow up visits and hope I can get feeling better before I deliver! I was sad that Jeremy, my massage therapist while I was training had left where he used to do massage. But I've found a new place and love it!

And speaking of delivery, I"M SCARED TO DEATH of childbirth!! I'm sure that I've become more of a worrywort as I get older but there are so many problems that could happen, it just freaks me out! Part of my infertility issues involved some cervical problems and I'm worried that it won't cooperate. Which could result in a C-Section and then the Dr. would have to cut through my severe endometrial scarring which could cause excess bleeding. Now is the time to really have faith and know the Lord will be looking out for us!

We started our 4 week Pre Natal classes this week. Gratefully, I was able to be at the birth of my brother's 3rd baby. (Although Erin made it look so easy and her midwife was amazing!). The first class was fairly low key but going over the stages of labor certainly don't make things any better!! Next week we will watch a few live births, I'm so curious how Scott will hold up!

And sadly, Scott's aunt Carol (his mother's sister) passed away this week, more unexpected than his dad's death. It's so hard to see them go and so many all at once!

Week 28 - Feb 15 - It's Getting Closer!

I'm now seeing the Dr. every two weeks. That's a bit sooner than most women start the two week schedule but my blood pressure has been a bit high, my ankles have been swelling and with the nausea and my freakish worries, the Dr. thought it best. My next appointment, they will do some more blood work.

But, I’m hanging in there. Things really aren’t too bad, just dealing with the little things that are day to day. I’m still having a hard time sleeping because my muscles and joints are not happy sleeping on my side. And I’ve noticed I’m more fatigued than usual, don’t know if it’s from not sleeping well or just where I’m at in my pregnancy.

I’ve been working more than normal which is good because it keeps my mind off all those little discomforts mentioned above. I don’t get tired working at the computer but picking up the house just nearly wipes me out! I’m finally starting to show a bit, I think my total weight gain is about 8 pounds but I’m feeling it pick up a bit. Which it should if she’s gaining the ½ pound a week from here on out.

For Valentines, we ended up going to two shows last Friday night and went up to Park City on Saturday to shop a little without Jackson. Scott’s mom took him those days so we just did what we felt like. I found a few things at the Motherhood store there that were really cheap. I kept telling the store lady I didn’t want to spend a lot since this would probably be a onetime thing and I only have less than 3 months left. But I’ll be hopefully helping more at Squire with tax season so I needed a few more pairs of slacks and shirts that would cover them!

Week 27 - Feb 8 - This Baby is Growing Even if It Seems I'm Not!

I know most people would be pleased to hear comments like, "When are you going to start looking pregnant?" or " You are so small", or even "Are you still pregnant?" when their belly is hardly showing at 27 weeks. My weight gain this far has only been 6 pounds, thanks to my constant nausea and how most foods don't agree with me anymore. I've been noticing more pregnant bellies than ever before and I know everyone carries babies differently but honestly, I don't look pregnant yet. Just a bit like my old overweight self. My chest has definitely taken over but it sure covers what little bump I have. It will be interesting to see what happens in the the next 12 weeks!!

Oh, and I'm in my third trimester!! Never thought in my wildest dreams I would be uttering such wonderful news!!

Week 26 - Feb 1 - And the Nausea Returns Again...

I had another Dr's appt and the according to the Dr., the baby is growing right on schedule. He hasn't done an ultrasound for some time and I have been a bit concerned about the pressure I've been having in my pelvis. Since I have had cervical problems in the past, I am getting concerned that the placenta was starting to cover my cervix. He did do an ultrasound but just to look at the distance between the placenta and the cervix which was a good enough distance apart that he wasn't concerned. Her head, though, was planted at the the very bottom of the placenta so he said he could understand the pressure I was having.

They also did my glucose test. I was very concerned how that would go since eating much sugar gets the nausea going real quick. In fact, I was wondering if I was going to be able to keep it down. That is some nasty stuff, and had to be taken on an empty stomach. But it came out normal! One worry down, no gestational diabetes to have to deal with!

I was a bit dehydrated though, big surprise. The nurse had a hard time finding a vein and butchered my arm pretty good.

Week 25 - Jan 25 - Let the Nursery Planning Begin!

I have a dear friend who offered to give me a baby shower!! I can't even say how excited I am!!! I did have a shower before Jackson came but this will be just even more sweet and real since I'll have a baby bump to show off!! I actually went in and picked out a crib and bed set and am getting so excited!! It was a lot of fun to plan for Jackson to come, we were just so excited to become parents. They have a ton of cute things for baby boys but let's face it, shopping for little girls is so much more fun!!! And what's even more crazy is that we had ended up giving away most of Jackson's baby things because I thought if we ever got another it may have been more of an adoption and possibly older than a newborn. I always knew in the back of my mind we would be more than a family of 3 but I was just trusting the Lord and taking it as it would come. I did keep a lot of Jackson's clothes but I was baby blue all the way with him. I went through a lot of his clothes and pulled out a few things that were somewhat unisex in yellow or green. But he certainly was dressed as a boy!!

And everything now is pink, pink, pink! We're going to put this in a room that is painted a suede brown so imagine it without the pink walls. We are so in trouble if the nurse was wrong and this is a boy!!

Week 24 - Jan 18 - Funeral for Grandpa

John's viewing was Sunday and his funeral was on Monday, January 18th. Everything was beautiful and went very well. I really hadn't cried much but the funeral put me over the top. I was greatful that John was no longer suffering but remembering so much from the past and his life just makes you miss them even so much more. I was telling Jackson's preschool teacher that his grandpa had passed away and that he might have a hard time and then I completely lost it when she was saying they announced it in church and she knew. I was holding it together so well and hardly shed a tear except at the funeral service for the whole weekend. But I also wasn't sleeping much and my body had had enough!! I think you just go into survival mode when there is a crisis but in the end, you'll end up hitting a wall! Scott's mom asked Scott to dedicate the grave and even though he struggled preparing for it, it was beautiful. Scott has seemed to come to peace with losing his idol.

Jackson has handled everything really well. He sure stuck around Grandpa and the casket and wanted to be part of everything. He even walked with the pallbearers into the chapel for the service and to the grave, despite his mother's best efforts to corral him away from them. I hope he will remember much of it. We did name him after his grandpa: John Jackson Jolley. Jackson even means son of Jack/John.

I spent a large part of this week with Joanne. The family is wondering how well she will do alone in the house without John, but she seems to really be doing well. We started looking at headstones and getting the design ready.

I am actually feeling quite well with the pregnancy and thinking this isn't so bad!

Week 23 - Jan 11 - Dedication to John E. Jolley

It has been a sad week for us. Scott's dad passed away on Thursday, January 14th, 2010 just short of his 75th birthday. Even though it was expected, it was really hard on Scott. He has been nearly unconsolable for days and just so sad. His dad was his hero and I know that there will still be moments he will wish he has his dad there for advice and comfort. Scott was really hoping that John would have been around for our baby to born but the timing was just not right. We have been interested how Jackson has been handling this. He got some fish and a fishtank for Christmas and a few days before John passed, one of the fish died. He was crying and we had to coax him out from under his bed to explain that happens and that his fish was in a better place. It was kind of a blessing because he actually seemed to understand that Grandpa's spirit was no longer with us but in a better place. (And no, we weren't going to flush Grandpa's body down the toliet.)

John was someone I loved and deeply respected. He was/is a wonderful man who lived his life to the fullest and was such a great man. I mostly admired him for how he treated his wife like a queen and had the devotion of a father like no one I've known. He was a very wise man and made an impression on so many. We will miss you so much Grandpa!

Here was his obiturary:
John E. Jolley, Jr. "Sonny" 1935-2010 John E. Jolley, Jr., age 74, passed away peacefully at his home on January 14, 2010. John was born on January 24, 1935 in Bingham Canyon, Utah to John Elroyd and Beth Beckstrom Jolley. He married Joanne Smith, the love of his life, on December 9, 1957, in the Salt Lake City LDS Temple. John graduated from Lehi High School where he was student body president and lettered in track, football, and basketball. He attended Weber State College on a basketball scholarship and served in the Central States LDS Mission. After his mission John joined the Utah National Guard. He enjoyed hunting, fishing, traveling with family, and his horses and dogs. His working years included being a brick mason , Beneficial Life, and owner of Peterson Jolley Realty. John was an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He served as bishop, scoutmaster, and branch president at the MTC. He and Joanne served in the Virginia-Richmond LDS Mission and at the Mt. Timpanogos Temple. He is survived by his wife, their children, Kirk (Lygia), Hanford, CA; Jan (James) Hubbard, Huntsville; Terilyn (Phil) Miller, West Jordan; Scott (Amy), Orem; Michael (Jen), Taylorsville; brothers, Bill (Sharleen), Cedar Hills, Don (Colleen), Lehi, and sister, Julie (Gill) Van Wagoner, North Las Vegas. Preceded in death by his parents; and siblings Leanore Wagstaff, Gary Jolley, and Connie Morgan. Funeral Services will be held Monday, January 18 at 11:00 AM at the American Fork 19th Ward, 1305 North 100 East, American Fork. A viewing will be held Sunday, January 17 from 6-8 PM at Wing Mortuary, 118 East Main Street, Lehi, UT and Monday at the church from 9:45 to 10:45 AM prior to the funeral service. Interment will be at the Lehi Cemetery. www.wingmortuary.com

We have been busy arranging the funeral program, picking out the casket and figuring final arrangements. It's definitely kept any discomforts of this pregnancy off my mind but my ankles have started to swell since I've been up and going constantly.

Week 22 - Jan 4 - The Nausea Returns

You know the let down you get after Christmas and the January blahs come. Well, I was feeling all that along with thinking I might have to go back on my IV. It first came back every couple of days or so and then every day and then back to several times a day. I refilled my prescription for the Zofran so as long as I have that on hand, I'm generally OK. The baby is quite the mover!

My father-in-law, John, has been suffering from Parkinson's for about 10 years and the past year has been his worst. My mother-in-law has had hospice come in twice a day to bathe him in the morning and put him to bed at night for about 2 months. He had been at a point where he was still aware enough to dispute "paying money" to have them come in. But my mother-in-law, Joanne, was smart and kept them coming. There was no way she was able to lift him and help him do those things. Well this week, he has taken a turn for the worse and we're pretty sure he will be leaving this life soon. He is now laid up in bed and no longer can speak or eat. It's so hard to see them when their quality of life is over and you are waiting for the day when it's really over. Scott has been handling things fairly well. We are over at their house nearly every day and just trying to make John comfortable. Joanne hadn't really expressed to other family and friends how his days were numbered. Just that he wasn't doing well again. (He had a burst of energy during Christmas and was up and eating, walking and talking). So when others caught wind that this could be it, he has been getting a lot of visitors. The family is praying that he will go but I just wonder if he's laying there thinking who will come visit that day. We love you Grandpa!

Week 21 - Dec 28th - Stomach Flu

I'm so behind on my blog so I'm going to try and remember the details from the last 8 weeks or so...

So the flu everyone was passing around finally hit me. For most of them it was a 2 day thing, mine lasted a bit longer and I lost about 5 pounds. I didn't realize how the nausea from the pregnancy was not nearly like the flu. Sad to say, I was used to the vomiting but the flu brings other symptoms that knocked me off my feet!

Happy New Year everyone! It's going to be a great year!

Week 20 - Dec 21st - Merry Christmas!

It was a whirlwind of a week and I could hardly wait for Christmas for Scott to open his surprise! I know he was going to be so excited! He was definitely not expecting it and it was a bit comical. Scott is colorblind and so when he opened the gift from Baby Jolley, he wasn't sure he was looking at a pink outfit. It was a little shirt and pants that said 50% mommy, 50% daddy but I had to point out the picture before he figured it out! I was so proud of myself to be able to pull that off as he was seriously not thinking we knew the sex yet. I had told him on Christmas Eve that the Dr. didn't do the ultrasound (which he didn't!). He had sent me flowers that day with a note saying how excited he was to find out what the baby was and I had to call him and fib a bit. That just about did me in but I hung in one more day. What a wonderful time to be able to celebrate our Savior's birth. I'm finally feeling well and able to have family here to enjoy this season. (We were a little disappointed that the snow we received a few weeks ago had mostly melted and it really didn't snow enough to be able to take the kids sledding. And we were playing flu roulette as I think by the end of the week, just about all of us suffered a one to two day stomach flu that put us completely out of commission! So sorry to our San Diego'ns!)

But I have so much to be grateful for. Mostly for our Savior, Jesus Christ and his gifts of love and sacrifice we all have around us everyday! And for our Heavenly Father who has unconditional love for us all! This pregnancy has grown my testimony that He does loves us and knows us and our needs. I've learned that He does hear our prayers and sometimes the answer is "No", and sometimes the answer is "Not Now". I'm grateful for my wonderful husband who is such a kind, wonderful man and who is also my best friend. I'm grateful for my beautiful little boy Jackson who makes the world a better and interesting place to be. And despite this awful economy, we are blessed to have a home to keep us warm, the income from our jobs and enough for our needs. The blessings are endless!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Week 19 - Dec 14th - IT'S A ....!

(Dec 17 ultrasound)

I was waiting to post this weeks update as it was to be a surprise. My husband, from the time we found out we were pregnant, has been so excited, to say the least. With all the craziness at the beginning, I wasn't wanting to tell many people too soon because I was so afraid of miscarrying. The cautionary part of me was thinking "what are the chances after 14 years of marriage to conceive for the first time, AND carry the baby full term?!" All of my SIL's have miscarried at least once and I was worried of that happening. Well, when the first trimester was over and I was ready to spill the beans, I found that he couldn't stand not telling our friends and ward members. I would start to tell our news and they would then say, "Oh, yeah, Scott told us you were expecting!". Of course, I'm overjoyed that he is so happy for this and he is such a great dad. But it took the fun out of sharing our news!

Another factor was everyone's predictions on what the baby was going to be. Not one person thought it would be a boy. When I told my good friend Vicky, she said, "It's going to be a girl and I can see her now, red curly hair (we have red on both sides) and in a little white outfit with pink rosebuds!" Wow, really!? And as soon as I told Scott about the positive pregnancy test, he said, "It's going to be a girl!". And Jackson has been referring to the baby as SHE or HER and says it will be a girl because we already have a boy - him! And many others were saying, "You're going to get your girl!" Honestly, at the beginning, I was in so much shock that all I could think was, I hope I can carry this baby and I don't care what it is as long as it's healthy. But the more and more girl predictions came, I started getting my heart set on a girl. I was the only girl with four brothers and although I'm good with boys, I was getting a bit excited to think of having a baby girl. And then thinking of names, I knew right away what we would name a girl but could not for the life of me settle on a boys name. We knew we would name our first boy Jackson years before we found out we were getting him. But I was struggling with another boys name. When I told Scott I think I might be dissappointed if it's a boy, he started telling me he then thought it was a boy, ...and all along I know he is hoping for a girl.

So as the time came closer to when we could find out the gender, I decided this was going to be MY secret. The appointment was set for Dec 17th, and because I try and plan my appointments for when Jackson is in preschool, Scott has only been to one and not at the one when this was scheduled. So when he would ask when the appointment was, I was giving him very vague answers and even told him once it was on Christmas Eve. Then I was planning on buying a outfit that I could wrap and give to him on Christmas from "Baby Jolley" with the gender ultrasound picture in it. Funny thing is, when I went to get an outfit, I only picked up a baby girl one - wishful thinking.

I don't know if every expectant mother or father is as excited as we were to find out the gender and I would never have been one of those who doesn't find out! Considering our circumstances, we could hardly contain ourselves! And Scott had no idea that I couldn't sleep the few nights leading up to the appointment!! I could hardly wait to take Jackson to preschool (and not act too excited, he is as big of a blabber mouth as his dad!) and head to the clinic. I was even 20 minutes early and for anyone who knows me, knows that's a big deal! The technician took me in, started the ultrasound and asked right away if I wanted to know the gender and if I was hoping for one over the other. I told her, "Yes, please!!" And that we were hoping for one but I don't dare say which so I don't jinx it! Where she first placed the ultrasound wand was right where it needed to be and there was no mistake, she said, "Well, you're having a girl!!". Of course, I started bawling, and then asked if she was sure and that there could be no way it was a boy. She showed me exactly what she was looking at and confirmed it was a girl. I hadn't met with this technician before so I had to explain to her our situation and that these were tears of JOY!! When I finally came to, I had a million questions for her: is the placenta attached all around, is the umbilical cord firmly attached, had the fibroid on my right side grown, is her size on schedule and on and on. She was so good to check it all out and answer all my questions even though the baby was moving all over. And she also confirmed one of my fears, she's big! Or I should say tall as her weight was right where it needed to be but that she was already 2 inches longer than where she should be. My brothers wives all have had very big babies (9-10 pounders!) and I'm scared to death of childbirth not to mention a big one! I'm hoping at least she keeps on the path of her daddy's genes and remains thin and tall!

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Turns out, I did have to meet with the Dr. on Christmas Eve as he had to leave on a delivery when I was having the ultrasound done and couldn't do his checkup. I was kind of relieved as I hated having to "lie" to Scott. Even though it wouldn't be to check the gender, I still had to meet with the Dr on that day.

My brother and his family arrived from San Diego the next day and it was killing me to keep this secret. I think I slipped a few times and my SIL figured it out. I think it helped though to be able to tell someone as keeping it from Scott was a struggle.

On a side note, the nausea has ended. I used up all my IV supplies last week, took out the needle and crossed my fingers that it was over. It didn't return, yippeee!! That was a long run and for the first time, I was feeling good during my pregnancy. And other fun news, I can feel her moving, A LOT!!