Week 16 - Nov 23 - Finally Can Eat!

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Food still makes me nauseous to think about but towards the end of this week, I have finally been able to eat (mostly mashed potatoes) and keep food down. I'm still on the IV and have been feeling better than I have in weeks!

Thanksgiving was fairly low key and I was happy to be able to eat! Of course, overeating was out of the question since my stomach has shrunk so much but it sure tasted good! I even felt well enough to hit one of the Black Friday sales and get our live Christmas tree and decorate it!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Week 15 - Nov 16 - IV Therapy

I went into the Dr. for a normal checkup this week and found myself at the hospital on IV fluids. I was so dehydrated that it took them 4 attempts to find a vein. They gave me 2 liters and I still had no need to go to the bathroom after that. I went in the next day and did the same. Fortunately, they can now put my Zofran for nausea in my IV and I don't have to try and take a pill which made me sick to have to take.

The hospital sent me the supplies to do it at home on the 3rd day and I was a bit nervous to hook everything up myself. Fortunately my good friend who is also a nurse came over and helped me the first time at home. From there I was able to do it alone. It really isn't that difficult and I've been feeling so much better! The worst part is having to keep the IV start in your arm 24/7 but worth it to be hydrated!

When I met with the Dr., I was worried that the baby wasn't getting nutrition and he assured me that the baby will get what it needs even if it means draining my bones of marrow. He said it's going to be the mother who suffers. He did listen to the heartbeat and did a measurement and said everything was fine. Of course, I'm still a bit anxious about it especially since we didn't do an ultrasound to measure the baby's growth.

We set up the appointment in December to do the ultrasound to check the baby's gender and see if all is well! I'm excited about that!

I haven't been able to work out much due to the fact that I have entirely no energy and am so dehydrated that sweating would just worsen it. I do weigh myself every so often and even though my waist, hips and chest have been growing, I have not gained a single pound since I found out I was pregnant! I'm sure I have lost muscle mass and have gained babywise but it's so weird to see myself bigger and yet the same weight. My fat pants are still so baggy in the rear but they are getting very tight around my waist. Unfortunately, I don't really look pregnant as my chest (of course) has grown back to where I was before I started training. AAAAHH!

Week 14 - Nov 9 - All Liquid Diet

Looking at, smelling, and especially eating food is becoming my worst nemesis. I'm now resorting to an all liquid diet of Gatorade, Sprite, and Carnation breakfast in hopes of keeping anything down. I can't even take my prenatals anymore because as soon as they hit my stomach they come right back up.

Fatigue is becoming so much more since I can't eat.

Week 13 - Nov 2 - Weary but Better!

(Nov 3 ultrasound)

My nausea seems to get worse and worse every week. But I'm finally back on my mood meds and emotionally can now endure the physical craziness! It's still only 1/2 dose and I'm not 100% but I no longer feel like I'm sitting in a dark cave all day! It has been such a relief!

The second integrated ultrasound went much better. The baby wasn't laying correct right off but the nurse was able to get it to move without much jabbing this time! She was saying they would only be concerned if the measurement was larger than 1 mm. She said the baby measured at 0.7 mm. That's good news! More blood tests in two weeks to find out where our risk is at.

Week 12 - Oct 26 - The Start of Prenatal Screening

(Oct 28 ultrasound)

(OK, I wrote this probably at the worst time of my pregnancy so far but I'm not going to edit it, I'm sure I'll look back and find it interesting what a wreck I became!)

I'm not sure why I feel the need to defend why I want to have the prenatal birth defect screening. It seems many have very strong feelings why you shouldn't do it but for those who do, would you think I haven't thought through all the risks and concerns for the safety of the baby?! Of course, most of the defects, if found, can not be changed and there is no way we would terminate the pregnancy. But with all the fertility problems we've had, with the scares early on in the pregnancy, the ages of both Scott and I, and just for my peace of mind, I need to know and it will give me time to emotionally prepare if there was a problem.

What is really cool is that if you get the timing just right, they can do something called integrated maternal serum screening. The first time I go in, between weeks 12 and 13, they will do an ultrasound to take a measurement of a thickness of skin on the baby's neck and a round of blood tests. Then I will go back in at between weeks 15 and 16 for another round of blood tests. From that they can determine if the risks are high for spina bifida or Down's syndrome and then decide to move on to the amniocentesis if they determine a risk.

So I met with the genetic counselor first where she took down Scott and I's family histories with pregnancy. Of all the questions she asked, I was able to see that our risks are really quite low. She said she didn't see anything that would be a cause for concern, even the fact that Scott had an uncle with Down's.

Then they tried to do the ultrasound. The baby had to be either laying on its back or stomach in order for them to get the measurement correct. It seems like every ultrasound I've had so far, the baby had been laying on its side. And it was, so what do they do? They pushed and banged and jiggled my stomach for nearly 30 minutes trying to get the baby to move. The end result was me rushing to the bathroom to throw up. And I was feeling sick when I arrived! So I have to go back next week to try again.

Good news though, at the end of this week I'll be through my first trimester, the risk of miscarriage goes down and now I can spread our exciting news!

Halloween was extremely low key this year which I was really OK with. There was no way I was going to sew costumes for the family feeling as yucky as I was. Jackson had to really be convinced it was OK to wear his pirate costume from last year. There were still a lot of our friends who didn't know about the pregnancy and I wore a tacky pregnant mom shirt that said "My Baby Rocks". We got some fun reactions!

Week 11 - Oct 19 - I Really Hate the TV, Couch and my Bed!

(Oct 23 ultrasound)

I know, Hate is a very strong word. But it seems like my life is spent mainly on the couch watching TV (even the food commercials on TV send me over the top!) or laying in bed. I'm not used to being so inactive and feeling so lousy! I don't know how anyone can get used to this. I feel like a bulimic, cramping like my period is going to start, breaking out everywhere, getting migraines, can't sleep, my sinuses are swollen and my depression is starting to get to me.

The good news is that we had another Dr's appt and everything is going well with the baby. I will say that I'm so grateful for that! I don't know why but everytime the Dr. puts the ultrasound wand on my stomach, I still am so shocked to see a baby in there! The Dr. decided to put me back on a half dose of my mood meds and I'm so relieved he did!

And I was able to get both my flu vaccinations. I called my Dr's office to make sure they would have it when my first trimester was over and they said they were completely out of the seasonal flu shot and won't be getting any of the H1N1. I was a bit panicked because my SIL had emailed me about the first round of the H1N1 shots were being dispersed at the County Health buildings. I called the Dr back and asked if I should just go now and get it while I could, which of course, they did since I was near the end of my 11th week. Another great blessing was that my work was having a seasonal flu clinic the same day and so I went there for that shot and then stood in line at the County Health building for only 1 1/2 hours for the swine flu shot. Thank goodness I was in the high priority list to get it as they ran out the next day!

Week 10 - Oct 12 - Adding Smells on Top of Foods

My morning sickness is getting progressively worse. It started out just when I wasn't eating, then it was when I was eating and now it just comes no matter what. And ANY strong scent sends me over the top. It really doesn't matter if it is a good or bad one, it starts up a whole new round of gagging. I'm starting to think adoption is MUCH easier....!

This is a good thing, this is a good thing, this is a good thing.......

Interesting: This week the baby graduated from an embryo to a fetus. And the risk for birth defects is over. (Although that doesn't rule out any that may have already developed, more on that soon)

Week 9 - Oct 5 - It's Not Easy Being Green

OK, all you mothers who I couldn't stand hearing you complain during your pregnancy... I'm SORRY!! I take back any of those ill feelings toward those complaints! Being pregnant is beyond any kind of explanation or comprehension anyone can get unless they actually have experienced it themselves.

I have been sooo sick! The morning sickness is ever present and I feel like I have food poisoning that will never go away! You know how when you get sick after eating or smelling something and then you never want to eat it again?! I try something different each day hoping that maybe it would stay down that time. It really doesn't seem to matter what it is, it just comes right back up! And then that food is out of the question the next time around. The options are getting quite small!

The Dr. did prescribe some nausea meds but they don't seem to work all the time.

Week 8 - Sept 28 - Our Little Heartthrob

(Oct 2 ultrasound picts)

Up to this point, I really was only experiencing the cramping on my left abdominal side and my chest (OK, breasts but trying to remain socially correct!) was so sore. I don't know if it's just pyschology but I didn't have any morning sickness until the day I walked out of the Dr's after seeing the baby's heartbeat. Then, I started to dry heave! I guess everything didn't seem real up to that point and I can't say how exciting it is to see that little heart!

This week's morning sickness was getting worse but it only comes after I eat. Really, weird. I decided to start working out with Steve again but it was very minimal this week. I cramp really hard after a workout but always feel so great when I'm exercising. I've been off my mood meds for a month now and it's really starting to wear on me!

The Dr. wanted a followup appt. this week and would you believe we not only saw a growing baby but got to hear the heartbeat - so cool! And it's little arms and legs were moving. It's becoming more real!

Week 7 - Sept 21st - This is Just So Uncomfortable!

So I know that I'm still pregnant and the baby has a heartbeat. Unbelievable and still amazed!!

Now it's just getting used to the odd things that are going on with my body. When I found out I was nearly infertile, it never bothered me to find out my friends or family were expecting. I was always so happy for them. What did get me a bit was when they were pregnant, I couldn't stomach their complaints. I used to think what I would give to be that uncomfortable just to be carrying my own baby.

Guess what?! It really isn't a walk in the park! I'd like to say that my discomforts are different than a normal pregnancy but how would I know?! Up until now, I haven't had any morning sickness and was feeling very blessed. But my chest feels like it's coming out of its skin and then there is the ever present cramps. The only sense I can make from the cramps is that the baby is growing and trying to do so within an environment full of scar tissue which is not very flexible. (And hello, yes, I worry about that!) But then the nausea came. Not in the morning but only during the day when I would go a few hours without eating. And nothing sounds good. And the thought of cooking makes me even more sick. How women can do this over and over just astounds me!

Week 6 - Sept 14th - Not all Dr's are the Same

(Sept 18 ultrasound)

What a rollercoaster. I called the Dr's office and told them I needed an ultrasound. Their technician was out that day and so they sent me back to the radiology lab at the hospital. The technician that did the ultrasound was so kind and sweet. But she hmmm and hawwed for the first 20 minutes as she was taking the pictures. After finally inquiring to what she was seeing, she told me legally she shouldn't say what she was seeing. I brought my friend who is a nurse with me and somehow we were finally able to get information out of her. She said what she was very confused at what she was seeing but thinks she may have seen an empty ectopic sac. My heart was completely broken at this point.

She took a lot of pictures and called in another technician to look. I usually can hold it together when I'm with other people and I was already trying to convince myself how lucky we were just to be able to conceive. I was wondering at what point will she suggest scheduling the procedure to remove it and hoping she will be sensitive about it. She still wasn't satisfied with her conclusion and so finally was able to get a hold of a Dr. on the phone as he viewed the screen in his office. Suddenly her eyes got big and she says, "Wait a minute, where did this come from?" I had to go in with a full bladder and ended up in the bathroom twice in between all the confusion. The last trip was right before she was talking with the Dr. and she swears up and down I must of had a twin because she is not looking at the same picture before. She was able to see a fluid sac with a yolk sac and supposedly it was in the right place this time.

All I could say was "OH, please don't do this to me, really?"! She calls my Dr's office and they schedule another round of hcg blood tests just to make sure it's all still on track.

Unfortunately, this week I also found that there is a lack of sensitive ob/gyn's in Utah County. My Dr. called the next day (mind you, I hadn't actually met with him at his office yet) and all I needed to hear was some positive good vibes. Instead, he starts questioning me about what was seen on the ultrasound and if they saw this or that in very medical terms. I didn't want to get the technician in trouble but I also thought it was very strange that he was asking me to tell him the results. He says, "well, I wouldn't rule out that you miscarried". I say, "Then why would my hcg levels still be going up?". "They are?" I'm thinking that he hadn't even looked at my chart before or anytime during this conversation. Then he says "Well, it would be folly to do any more ultrasounds right now for how short you are into the pregnancy. Just take Tylenol for the cramps and we'll schedule another ultrasound in two weeks." And hangs up.

I felt like I had just been in a drive by. Why would he be thinking it was a miscarriage? Was what she saw really not what it was? Could I really wait 2 weeks in hopes that the worst doesn't become reality. I was in tears again (man, these pregnancy hormones have turned me into a bawl baby!). Yes, I understand that these Dr's deal with hormonal pregnant women all day but my situation is not the usual, normal pregnancy. I went ahead and did the next two blood draws and my hcg levels were continuing to rise - 20,102 for the first and 27,127 48 hours later. What a mess of confusion and anxiety! Fortunately, the bleeding has stopped. Of course, I stopped with the exercise as soon as the bleeding started up and I was relieved it had subsided.

I was so happy to get a phone call later that week from my friend (who is friends with the ob/gyn her daughter is with). She insisted that situation was completely wrong and I should fire that Dr and find a new one. She called her friend (who is the Dr's wife) and found out that he was high risk and was taking new patients. What a relief! In fact, I called his office on a Thursday afternoon and they wanted me to come in that Friday morning! Now there's a practice who not only considers their patients needs but wastes no time!!

He had everything set up to do another ultrasound. When he came in, he not only remembered the conversation we had at the shower but was very kind. And in no time flat, he was showing me on the screen the baby, how it was measuring exactly 6 weeks, 3 days and then pointed at a little pulsating part and said, "There's the heart beating"!

I could finally start breathing again! He packaged up nearly a month's worth of prenatals including some Omega-3's, wrote a prescription for progesterone (in hopes of alleviating the pain from the endometriosis) and sent me with several precautionary warnings: don't overdue your exercise (heartrate no more than 160 and no more than an hour a day), don't get the swine flu (he even thought I should pull Jackson out of preschool until we all get our shots), and rest if your body tells you to. Next appointment in two weeks.

OK. Now, previous cranky-don't waste my time-silly-jerk of a Dr, was that so hard?!! I went on RateMD and found that I wasn't the only one who had been blown off by him. There were so many not so nice things said about him. Soooo glad I have good friends who are looking out for me!!!

Week 5 - Sept 7th - Please Let It Not Be So

This was the scariest week by far! We came back from San Diego on that Tuesday evening and I went in Wednesday night to train with Steve. When I got home, I found out that I had started to bleed. Up to this point, the cramping was constant but this was new. And it was at this point that I finally found that my heart was embracing this new miracle and breaking. I called Scott in the bathroom and told him what was happening and he started to cry. He had been beaming from ear to ear since I called him about the positive test and this was devastating. He gave me a blessing and I could tell he was struggling through it.

I called the Dr's office the next day and they sent me back to the lab to get my pregnancy levels checked and again 2 days later. I was convinced it was over and was shocked to find that my first results showed my hcg's up to 6,827 and the next one at 11,685! Then it just became confusing. Why am I still bleeding and cramping so hard?!

Fortunately, I was able to attend a friends baby shower which was held at their friends house, which also just happened to be her ob/gyn. He had just come home towards the end of the shower and she mentioned he was her Dr. After revealing our little surprise to our friends, I told him about my situation and he said I needed an ultrasound asap! He said in ectopic pregnancies, your hcg levels will still go up since you are still pregnant but that needs to be determined before it bursts!

I waited all weekend and called the Dr. on Monday. It was a long weekend...

Week 4 - August 31st - Miracle Revealed

This is the day of enlightment and the week of our world being turned upside down. I was mentioning to Steve how strange it was that I hadn't started my cycle yet, I was cramping a lot and was wondering if it was because I had fell. My mom then says, "you should get a pregnancy test" and all I could think was, "what for?!". That had to be about the farthest thing from my mind.

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my regular meds and stared at the boxes of pregnancy tests for a few minutes. I decided to just get one thinking to myself why am I wasting my money on another one of these after all these years and how stupid I will feel when it was a waste. We were heading to my baby brother's in San Diego that week and so I thought I would just wait until we got back. But somehow, the morning of Sept. 1st, I took a deep breath and lifted up the test to find not only was it very positive but that the "you took the test, now wait a few minutes" indicator window had not even registered yet. Ever have those moments when time just seemed to stand still but you feel like you've just been ran over by a truck and you're still trying to figure out what just happened?!

I can't say exactly all the thoughts and feelings that were running through my mind but somehow I was trying to convince myself that it had to be a false positive. Maybe it was my meds, or my fall, or just my body's release from the intense workouts I had been doing. And then it was my one sided conversation with God, "are you kidding me..., now..., after 14 years...? I'm not to my weight goal yet, this can't really be happening" and so on. And then I bawled - a lot!

I spent several hours that morning looking up every possible combination of medicines, my fertility conditions, activity and whatever I could think of that would cause a false positive. Guess what, you all probably already know this but it's the false negatives you have to worry about. If it's positive, it's positive. I called my friend Lara in tears asking if she knew of a high risk ob/gyn and trying to sort out my intense shock with her. I knew I had to have a blood test to believe it so I called the Dr's office and even after explaining my history, they said they didn't see new patients until their 10th week. I explained I was taking med's that I know I wouldn't be able to take if I was pregnant and I needed to know for sure that was the case. So they had me come in and fill out a novel of paperwork and sent me to the hospital lab for the bloodwork. I was sitting in the chair while the tech was drawing my blood and just kept telling her I was infertile. She said, "well, hon, they want a full pregnancy panel as well as the test which shows how far along you are". And I say, "But, I'm infertile!" "Good luck" she says and plasters a bandaid on my arm and sends me on my way.

I went back to the Dr's office to talk to the nurse about my medications. I'm still trying to convince them I'm infertile so she asks if I wanted to do another urine test. Of course, I did. She dips it in, pulls it out and says, "Congratulations, you're pregnant! Oh, and your due date is May 11, 2010!" A DUE DATE?!! I wasn't even thinking about that! The blood tests the next day confirm it again, hcg levels at 319.

Unbelieveable. We head to San Diego and I'm still in denial. I wasn't about to give up my workouts just yet and so remained quite active there. Biking, boogie boarding, walking all over Sea World, riding the rides, we did it all. And I was cramping the whole time. Among all my research, I didn't see any reason why I shouldn't keep working out. Besides our parents, my brother and his wife are the first to find out.

Week 3 - August 24th - A Miracle Takes Place

No wonder I kept falling, losing my balance and got lightheaded after a massage?! How a little embryo was able to find a place to implant where there was no scar tissue with my severe endometriosis is beyond anything I can imagine...

Do You Believe in Miracles?

Years Married - 14
Years Before Seeking Fertility Dr - 5
Years of Fertility Treatments, no success - 1
Years on Adoption List - 3
Years with Jackson and getting to hear "I Love You Mom!" - 5
Number of All-Positive Pregnancy Tests to Actually Believe Results- 3

Number of Weeks waited through cramps, bleeding and high anxiety of loss to announce our news - 13
First time 35 year old expectant mother and miraculously still expecting - Priceless....

I think this video is such a strong message of how so many women have felt. Each message written on those posters has a significant meaning in my life. Jackson's birthmom wasn't a teenager when she had him but the meaning is still there.

Would you believe I'm now in my 13th week of pregnancy? We have felt the whole gammet of emotions and ran the ups and downs of a high risk first trimester but I can hardly believe how wonderful this miracle is and couldn't be more excited...and scared!!

I've been writing posts each week as our adventures had begun and I now can finally post them and will over the next few days. I will say when I first found out, I wasn't thrilled. It may have had more to do with how focused I was on losing my weight and this came so unexpectantly, we certainly weren't trying! It took me several weeks to wrap my head around the reality and then we thought we lost the baby. You really don't know how much you care about something until it's taken away (or presumably so!). And now I'm at a point that I would do anything and everything to keep this baby safe and well. I guess you could say, "I Would Die For That"!