Week 20 - Dec 21st - Merry Christmas!

It was a whirlwind of a week and I could hardly wait for Christmas for Scott to open his surprise! I know he was going to be so excited! He was definitely not expecting it and it was a bit comical. Scott is colorblind and so when he opened the gift from Baby Jolley, he wasn't sure he was looking at a pink outfit. It was a little shirt and pants that said 50% mommy, 50% daddy but I had to point out the picture before he figured it out! I was so proud of myself to be able to pull that off as he was seriously not thinking we knew the sex yet. I had told him on Christmas Eve that the Dr. didn't do the ultrasound (which he didn't!). He had sent me flowers that day with a note saying how excited he was to find out what the baby was and I had to call him and fib a bit. That just about did me in but I hung in one more day. What a wonderful time to be able to celebrate our Savior's birth. I'm finally feeling well and able to have family here to enjoy this season. (We were a little disappointed that the snow we received a few weeks ago had mostly melted and it really didn't snow enough to be able to take the kids sledding. And we were playing flu roulette as I think by the end of the week, just about all of us suffered a one to two day stomach flu that put us completely out of commission! So sorry to our San Diego'ns!)

But I have so much to be grateful for. Mostly for our Savior, Jesus Christ and his gifts of love and sacrifice we all have around us everyday! And for our Heavenly Father who has unconditional love for us all! This pregnancy has grown my testimony that He does loves us and knows us and our needs. I've learned that He does hear our prayers and sometimes the answer is "No", and sometimes the answer is "Not Now". I'm grateful for my wonderful husband who is such a kind, wonderful man and who is also my best friend. I'm grateful for my beautiful little boy Jackson who makes the world a better and interesting place to be. And despite this awful economy, we are blessed to have a home to keep us warm, the income from our jobs and enough for our needs. The blessings are endless!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Week 19 - Dec 14th - IT'S A ....!

(Dec 17 ultrasound)

I was waiting to post this weeks update as it was to be a surprise. My husband, from the time we found out we were pregnant, has been so excited, to say the least. With all the craziness at the beginning, I wasn't wanting to tell many people too soon because I was so afraid of miscarrying. The cautionary part of me was thinking "what are the chances after 14 years of marriage to conceive for the first time, AND carry the baby full term?!" All of my SIL's have miscarried at least once and I was worried of that happening. Well, when the first trimester was over and I was ready to spill the beans, I found that he couldn't stand not telling our friends and ward members. I would start to tell our news and they would then say, "Oh, yeah, Scott told us you were expecting!". Of course, I'm overjoyed that he is so happy for this and he is such a great dad. But it took the fun out of sharing our news!

Another factor was everyone's predictions on what the baby was going to be. Not one person thought it would be a boy. When I told my good friend Vicky, she said, "It's going to be a girl and I can see her now, red curly hair (we have red on both sides) and in a little white outfit with pink rosebuds!" Wow, really!? And as soon as I told Scott about the positive pregnancy test, he said, "It's going to be a girl!". And Jackson has been referring to the baby as SHE or HER and says it will be a girl because we already have a boy - him! And many others were saying, "You're going to get your girl!" Honestly, at the beginning, I was in so much shock that all I could think was, I hope I can carry this baby and I don't care what it is as long as it's healthy. But the more and more girl predictions came, I started getting my heart set on a girl. I was the only girl with four brothers and although I'm good with boys, I was getting a bit excited to think of having a baby girl. And then thinking of names, I knew right away what we would name a girl but could not for the life of me settle on a boys name. We knew we would name our first boy Jackson years before we found out we were getting him. But I was struggling with another boys name. When I told Scott I think I might be dissappointed if it's a boy, he started telling me he then thought it was a boy, ...and all along I know he is hoping for a girl.

So as the time came closer to when we could find out the gender, I decided this was going to be MY secret. The appointment was set for Dec 17th, and because I try and plan my appointments for when Jackson is in preschool, Scott has only been to one and not at the one when this was scheduled. So when he would ask when the appointment was, I was giving him very vague answers and even told him once it was on Christmas Eve. Then I was planning on buying a outfit that I could wrap and give to him on Christmas from "Baby Jolley" with the gender ultrasound picture in it. Funny thing is, when I went to get an outfit, I only picked up a baby girl one - wishful thinking.

I don't know if every expectant mother or father is as excited as we were to find out the gender and I would never have been one of those who doesn't find out! Considering our circumstances, we could hardly contain ourselves! And Scott had no idea that I couldn't sleep the few nights leading up to the appointment!! I could hardly wait to take Jackson to preschool (and not act too excited, he is as big of a blabber mouth as his dad!) and head to the clinic. I was even 20 minutes early and for anyone who knows me, knows that's a big deal! The technician took me in, started the ultrasound and asked right away if I wanted to know the gender and if I was hoping for one over the other. I told her, "Yes, please!!" And that we were hoping for one but I don't dare say which so I don't jinx it! Where she first placed the ultrasound wand was right where it needed to be and there was no mistake, she said, "Well, you're having a girl!!". Of course, I started bawling, and then asked if she was sure and that there could be no way it was a boy. She showed me exactly what she was looking at and confirmed it was a girl. I hadn't met with this technician before so I had to explain to her our situation and that these were tears of JOY!! When I finally came to, I had a million questions for her: is the placenta attached all around, is the umbilical cord firmly attached, had the fibroid on my right side grown, is her size on schedule and on and on. She was so good to check it all out and answer all my questions even though the baby was moving all over. And she also confirmed one of my fears, she's big! Or I should say tall as her weight was right where it needed to be but that she was already 2 inches longer than where she should be. My brothers wives all have had very big babies (9-10 pounders!) and I'm scared to death of childbirth not to mention a big one! I'm hoping at least she keeps on the path of her daddy's genes and remains thin and tall!

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Turns out, I did have to meet with the Dr. on Christmas Eve as he had to leave on a delivery when I was having the ultrasound done and couldn't do his checkup. I was kind of relieved as I hated having to "lie" to Scott. Even though it wouldn't be to check the gender, I still had to meet with the Dr on that day.

My brother and his family arrived from San Diego the next day and it was killing me to keep this secret. I think I slipped a few times and my SIL figured it out. I think it helped though to be able to tell someone as keeping it from Scott was a struggle.

On a side note, the nausea has ended. I used up all my IV supplies last week, took out the needle and crossed my fingers that it was over. It didn't return, yippeee!! That was a long run and for the first time, I was feeling good during my pregnancy. And other fun news, I can feel her moving, A LOT!!

December 19th - Happy 5th Birthday Jackson!

My baby is turning 5 today!! Where did the time go?!!! This had to be the easiest photo shoot we have ever had. Years past, he would have a hard time staying focused on the actual picture taking and wanted to play with all their props. But he did fantastic and as always, he looks so much older than he is. And as always, a big ham!!

It's really hard to believe that 5 years ago, today, we had gone to Scott's family Christmas party knowing that Dawn, Jackson's birthmom, had gone into labor that morning and anxiously waiting for Family Services to call to tell us he had been born. We didn't say anything to his family until the evening was starting to wrap up and right after we broke the news, FS called to say he had been born at 6:30 PM. He was due on the 29th so it was fun to know we were going to be able to bring him home before Christmas! It was a long two days before we went and got him on the 21st but I'm so happy that Dawn was able to spend that time with him before she placed him in our arms.

Jackson has been such a blessing in our lives. We never imagined then after 10 years of marriage what this little baby would bring to our family. He has always been a happy, expressive, inquisitive and sweet little boy. He doesn't go a day without telling us he loves us. And he's smart, too smart!! As well as active!! And to believe this kid is not into sugar, I've never had a picture on his birthday of him eating his cake because he doesn't like it!

I've really noticed how much he has matured the past few months. I couldn't be happier with the timing of our next addition. He is so excited for the baby and I know he will be such a big help. I can't say enough how much I love this boy! Happy Birthday Jackson!

Week 18 - Dec 7 - Sleep, The New Challenge

So, in reading the pregnancy books, since week 16, I should now only be sleeping on my side and not on my back. It's been very difficult for me as I find my back is the most comfortable. It's so strange to sleep on my side and my belly falls to whatever side I'm on. I've noticed my hips and back have been getting achy and I'm feeling them separating a bit. I haven't slept real well for several months now anyway. I have to get up and go to the bathroom sometimes 5-6 times a night (thanks to the IV hydration!). I'm always so paranoid that what I do will hurt the baby and it's been a real anxiety for me! I've tried a body pillow but it's too bulky. Any secrets anyone?

I'm also a bit concerned that I haven't felt the baby move yet. Again those evil pregnancy books say you should start feeling movement between 16 and 20 weeks. Although first timers will feel it more toward 20 weeks and because I'm still a bit overweight it will be more so that way. Come on baby, move!

Good news though - it has finally snowed in Utah County! I LOVE the snow (you can take the girl out of South Dakota, but can't take South Dakota out of the girl! And these Utah snowstorms can't hold a candle to the snow we get in South Dakota!). My little bro and his family are coming for Christmas from San Diego. They both were raised with white Christmas's and was looking forward to the snow. I was starting to stress that we wouldn't have it this year! I'm so happy! Bring on the white stuff!

Week 17 - Four Down, Five to Go!

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Still on the IV. I've had a few days where I had to take the needle out and couldn't get in to the hospital to get it changed because it was the weekend and the nausea returned. I'm really hoping that I won't have to stay on it through the whole pregnancy and I would like to enjoy it some of the time!

But I'll take it as it comes!

Week 16 - Nov 23 - Finally Can Eat!

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Food still makes me nauseous to think about but towards the end of this week, I have finally been able to eat (mostly mashed potatoes) and keep food down. I'm still on the IV and have been feeling better than I have in weeks!

Thanksgiving was fairly low key and I was happy to be able to eat! Of course, overeating was out of the question since my stomach has shrunk so much but it sure tasted good! I even felt well enough to hit one of the Black Friday sales and get our live Christmas tree and decorate it!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Week 15 - Nov 16 - IV Therapy

I went into the Dr. for a normal checkup this week and found myself at the hospital on IV fluids. I was so dehydrated that it took them 4 attempts to find a vein. They gave me 2 liters and I still had no need to go to the bathroom after that. I went in the next day and did the same. Fortunately, they can now put my Zofran for nausea in my IV and I don't have to try and take a pill which made me sick to have to take.

The hospital sent me the supplies to do it at home on the 3rd day and I was a bit nervous to hook everything up myself. Fortunately my good friend who is also a nurse came over and helped me the first time at home. From there I was able to do it alone. It really isn't that difficult and I've been feeling so much better! The worst part is having to keep the IV start in your arm 24/7 but worth it to be hydrated!

When I met with the Dr., I was worried that the baby wasn't getting nutrition and he assured me that the baby will get what it needs even if it means draining my bones of marrow. He said it's going to be the mother who suffers. He did listen to the heartbeat and did a measurement and said everything was fine. Of course, I'm still a bit anxious about it especially since we didn't do an ultrasound to measure the baby's growth.

We set up the appointment in December to do the ultrasound to check the baby's gender and see if all is well! I'm excited about that!

I haven't been able to work out much due to the fact that I have entirely no energy and am so dehydrated that sweating would just worsen it. I do weigh myself every so often and even though my waist, hips and chest have been growing, I have not gained a single pound since I found out I was pregnant! I'm sure I have lost muscle mass and have gained babywise but it's so weird to see myself bigger and yet the same weight. My fat pants are still so baggy in the rear but they are getting very tight around my waist. Unfortunately, I don't really look pregnant as my chest (of course) has grown back to where I was before I started training. AAAAHH!

Week 14 - Nov 9 - All Liquid Diet

Looking at, smelling, and especially eating food is becoming my worst nemesis. I'm now resorting to an all liquid diet of Gatorade, Sprite, and Carnation breakfast in hopes of keeping anything down. I can't even take my prenatals anymore because as soon as they hit my stomach they come right back up.

Fatigue is becoming so much more since I can't eat.

Week 13 - Nov 2 - Weary but Better!

(Nov 3 ultrasound)

My nausea seems to get worse and worse every week. But I'm finally back on my mood meds and emotionally can now endure the physical craziness! It's still only 1/2 dose and I'm not 100% but I no longer feel like I'm sitting in a dark cave all day! It has been such a relief!

The second integrated ultrasound went much better. The baby wasn't laying correct right off but the nurse was able to get it to move without much jabbing this time! She was saying they would only be concerned if the measurement was larger than 1 mm. She said the baby measured at 0.7 mm. That's good news! More blood tests in two weeks to find out where our risk is at.

Week 12 - Oct 26 - The Start of Prenatal Screening

(Oct 28 ultrasound)

(OK, I wrote this probably at the worst time of my pregnancy so far but I'm not going to edit it, I'm sure I'll look back and find it interesting what a wreck I became!)

I'm not sure why I feel the need to defend why I want to have the prenatal birth defect screening. It seems many have very strong feelings why you shouldn't do it but for those who do, would you think I haven't thought through all the risks and concerns for the safety of the baby?! Of course, most of the defects, if found, can not be changed and there is no way we would terminate the pregnancy. But with all the fertility problems we've had, with the scares early on in the pregnancy, the ages of both Scott and I, and just for my peace of mind, I need to know and it will give me time to emotionally prepare if there was a problem.

What is really cool is that if you get the timing just right, they can do something called integrated maternal serum screening. The first time I go in, between weeks 12 and 13, they will do an ultrasound to take a measurement of a thickness of skin on the baby's neck and a round of blood tests. Then I will go back in at between weeks 15 and 16 for another round of blood tests. From that they can determine if the risks are high for spina bifida or Down's syndrome and then decide to move on to the amniocentesis if they determine a risk.

So I met with the genetic counselor first where she took down Scott and I's family histories with pregnancy. Of all the questions she asked, I was able to see that our risks are really quite low. She said she didn't see anything that would be a cause for concern, even the fact that Scott had an uncle with Down's.

Then they tried to do the ultrasound. The baby had to be either laying on its back or stomach in order for them to get the measurement correct. It seems like every ultrasound I've had so far, the baby had been laying on its side. And it was, so what do they do? They pushed and banged and jiggled my stomach for nearly 30 minutes trying to get the baby to move. The end result was me rushing to the bathroom to throw up. And I was feeling sick when I arrived! So I have to go back next week to try again.

Good news though, at the end of this week I'll be through my first trimester, the risk of miscarriage goes down and now I can spread our exciting news!

Halloween was extremely low key this year which I was really OK with. There was no way I was going to sew costumes for the family feeling as yucky as I was. Jackson had to really be convinced it was OK to wear his pirate costume from last year. There were still a lot of our friends who didn't know about the pregnancy and I wore a tacky pregnant mom shirt that said "My Baby Rocks". We got some fun reactions!

Week 11 - Oct 19 - I Really Hate the TV, Couch and my Bed!

(Oct 23 ultrasound)

I know, Hate is a very strong word. But it seems like my life is spent mainly on the couch watching TV (even the food commercials on TV send me over the top!) or laying in bed. I'm not used to being so inactive and feeling so lousy! I don't know how anyone can get used to this. I feel like a bulimic, cramping like my period is going to start, breaking out everywhere, getting migraines, can't sleep, my sinuses are swollen and my depression is starting to get to me.

The good news is that we had another Dr's appt and everything is going well with the baby. I will say that I'm so grateful for that! I don't know why but everytime the Dr. puts the ultrasound wand on my stomach, I still am so shocked to see a baby in there! The Dr. decided to put me back on a half dose of my mood meds and I'm so relieved he did!

And I was able to get both my flu vaccinations. I called my Dr's office to make sure they would have it when my first trimester was over and they said they were completely out of the seasonal flu shot and won't be getting any of the H1N1. I was a bit panicked because my SIL had emailed me about the first round of the H1N1 shots were being dispersed at the County Health buildings. I called the Dr back and asked if I should just go now and get it while I could, which of course, they did since I was near the end of my 11th week. Another great blessing was that my work was having a seasonal flu clinic the same day and so I went there for that shot and then stood in line at the County Health building for only 1 1/2 hours for the swine flu shot. Thank goodness I was in the high priority list to get it as they ran out the next day!

Week 10 - Oct 12 - Adding Smells on Top of Foods

My morning sickness is getting progressively worse. It started out just when I wasn't eating, then it was when I was eating and now it just comes no matter what. And ANY strong scent sends me over the top. It really doesn't matter if it is a good or bad one, it starts up a whole new round of gagging. I'm starting to think adoption is MUCH easier....!

This is a good thing, this is a good thing, this is a good thing.......

Interesting: This week the baby graduated from an embryo to a fetus. And the risk for birth defects is over. (Although that doesn't rule out any that may have already developed, more on that soon)

Week 9 - Oct 5 - It's Not Easy Being Green

OK, all you mothers who I couldn't stand hearing you complain during your pregnancy... I'm SORRY!! I take back any of those ill feelings toward those complaints! Being pregnant is beyond any kind of explanation or comprehension anyone can get unless they actually have experienced it themselves.

I have been sooo sick! The morning sickness is ever present and I feel like I have food poisoning that will never go away! You know how when you get sick after eating or smelling something and then you never want to eat it again?! I try something different each day hoping that maybe it would stay down that time. It really doesn't seem to matter what it is, it just comes right back up! And then that food is out of the question the next time around. The options are getting quite small!

The Dr. did prescribe some nausea meds but they don't seem to work all the time.

Week 8 - Sept 28 - Our Little Heartthrob

(Oct 2 ultrasound picts)

Up to this point, I really was only experiencing the cramping on my left abdominal side and my chest (OK, breasts but trying to remain socially correct!) was so sore. I don't know if it's just pyschology but I didn't have any morning sickness until the day I walked out of the Dr's after seeing the baby's heartbeat. Then, I started to dry heave! I guess everything didn't seem real up to that point and I can't say how exciting it is to see that little heart!

This week's morning sickness was getting worse but it only comes after I eat. Really, weird. I decided to start working out with Steve again but it was very minimal this week. I cramp really hard after a workout but always feel so great when I'm exercising. I've been off my mood meds for a month now and it's really starting to wear on me!

The Dr. wanted a followup appt. this week and would you believe we not only saw a growing baby but got to hear the heartbeat - so cool! And it's little arms and legs were moving. It's becoming more real!

Week 7 - Sept 21st - This is Just So Uncomfortable!

So I know that I'm still pregnant and the baby has a heartbeat. Unbelievable and still amazed!!

Now it's just getting used to the odd things that are going on with my body. When I found out I was nearly infertile, it never bothered me to find out my friends or family were expecting. I was always so happy for them. What did get me a bit was when they were pregnant, I couldn't stomach their complaints. I used to think what I would give to be that uncomfortable just to be carrying my own baby.

Guess what?! It really isn't a walk in the park! I'd like to say that my discomforts are different than a normal pregnancy but how would I know?! Up until now, I haven't had any morning sickness and was feeling very blessed. But my chest feels like it's coming out of its skin and then there is the ever present cramps. The only sense I can make from the cramps is that the baby is growing and trying to do so within an environment full of scar tissue which is not very flexible. (And hello, yes, I worry about that!) But then the nausea came. Not in the morning but only during the day when I would go a few hours without eating. And nothing sounds good. And the thought of cooking makes me even more sick. How women can do this over and over just astounds me!

Week 6 - Sept 14th - Not all Dr's are the Same

(Sept 18 ultrasound)

What a rollercoaster. I called the Dr's office and told them I needed an ultrasound. Their technician was out that day and so they sent me back to the radiology lab at the hospital. The technician that did the ultrasound was so kind and sweet. But she hmmm and hawwed for the first 20 minutes as she was taking the pictures. After finally inquiring to what she was seeing, she told me legally she shouldn't say what she was seeing. I brought my friend who is a nurse with me and somehow we were finally able to get information out of her. She said what she was very confused at what she was seeing but thinks she may have seen an empty ectopic sac. My heart was completely broken at this point.

She took a lot of pictures and called in another technician to look. I usually can hold it together when I'm with other people and I was already trying to convince myself how lucky we were just to be able to conceive. I was wondering at what point will she suggest scheduling the procedure to remove it and hoping she will be sensitive about it. She still wasn't satisfied with her conclusion and so finally was able to get a hold of a Dr. on the phone as he viewed the screen in his office. Suddenly her eyes got big and she says, "Wait a minute, where did this come from?" I had to go in with a full bladder and ended up in the bathroom twice in between all the confusion. The last trip was right before she was talking with the Dr. and she swears up and down I must of had a twin because she is not looking at the same picture before. She was able to see a fluid sac with a yolk sac and supposedly it was in the right place this time.

All I could say was "OH, please don't do this to me, really?"! She calls my Dr's office and they schedule another round of hcg blood tests just to make sure it's all still on track.

Unfortunately, this week I also found that there is a lack of sensitive ob/gyn's in Utah County. My Dr. called the next day (mind you, I hadn't actually met with him at his office yet) and all I needed to hear was some positive good vibes. Instead, he starts questioning me about what was seen on the ultrasound and if they saw this or that in very medical terms. I didn't want to get the technician in trouble but I also thought it was very strange that he was asking me to tell him the results. He says, "well, I wouldn't rule out that you miscarried". I say, "Then why would my hcg levels still be going up?". "They are?" I'm thinking that he hadn't even looked at my chart before or anytime during this conversation. Then he says "Well, it would be folly to do any more ultrasounds right now for how short you are into the pregnancy. Just take Tylenol for the cramps and we'll schedule another ultrasound in two weeks." And hangs up.

I felt like I had just been in a drive by. Why would he be thinking it was a miscarriage? Was what she saw really not what it was? Could I really wait 2 weeks in hopes that the worst doesn't become reality. I was in tears again (man, these pregnancy hormones have turned me into a bawl baby!). Yes, I understand that these Dr's deal with hormonal pregnant women all day but my situation is not the usual, normal pregnancy. I went ahead and did the next two blood draws and my hcg levels were continuing to rise - 20,102 for the first and 27,127 48 hours later. What a mess of confusion and anxiety! Fortunately, the bleeding has stopped. Of course, I stopped with the exercise as soon as the bleeding started up and I was relieved it had subsided.

I was so happy to get a phone call later that week from my friend (who is friends with the ob/gyn her daughter is with). She insisted that situation was completely wrong and I should fire that Dr and find a new one. She called her friend (who is the Dr's wife) and found out that he was high risk and was taking new patients. What a relief! In fact, I called his office on a Thursday afternoon and they wanted me to come in that Friday morning! Now there's a practice who not only considers their patients needs but wastes no time!!

He had everything set up to do another ultrasound. When he came in, he not only remembered the conversation we had at the shower but was very kind. And in no time flat, he was showing me on the screen the baby, how it was measuring exactly 6 weeks, 3 days and then pointed at a little pulsating part and said, "There's the heart beating"!

I could finally start breathing again! He packaged up nearly a month's worth of prenatals including some Omega-3's, wrote a prescription for progesterone (in hopes of alleviating the pain from the endometriosis) and sent me with several precautionary warnings: don't overdue your exercise (heartrate no more than 160 and no more than an hour a day), don't get the swine flu (he even thought I should pull Jackson out of preschool until we all get our shots), and rest if your body tells you to. Next appointment in two weeks.

OK. Now, previous cranky-don't waste my time-silly-jerk of a Dr, was that so hard?!! I went on RateMD and found that I wasn't the only one who had been blown off by him. There were so many not so nice things said about him. Soooo glad I have good friends who are looking out for me!!!

Week 5 - Sept 7th - Please Let It Not Be So

This was the scariest week by far! We came back from San Diego on that Tuesday evening and I went in Wednesday night to train with Steve. When I got home, I found out that I had started to bleed. Up to this point, the cramping was constant but this was new. And it was at this point that I finally found that my heart was embracing this new miracle and breaking. I called Scott in the bathroom and told him what was happening and he started to cry. He had been beaming from ear to ear since I called him about the positive test and this was devastating. He gave me a blessing and I could tell he was struggling through it.

I called the Dr's office the next day and they sent me back to the lab to get my pregnancy levels checked and again 2 days later. I was convinced it was over and was shocked to find that my first results showed my hcg's up to 6,827 and the next one at 11,685! Then it just became confusing. Why am I still bleeding and cramping so hard?!

Fortunately, I was able to attend a friends baby shower which was held at their friends house, which also just happened to be her ob/gyn. He had just come home towards the end of the shower and she mentioned he was her Dr. After revealing our little surprise to our friends, I told him about my situation and he said I needed an ultrasound asap! He said in ectopic pregnancies, your hcg levels will still go up since you are still pregnant but that needs to be determined before it bursts!

I waited all weekend and called the Dr. on Monday. It was a long weekend...

Week 4 - August 31st - Miracle Revealed

This is the day of enlightment and the week of our world being turned upside down. I was mentioning to Steve how strange it was that I hadn't started my cycle yet, I was cramping a lot and was wondering if it was because I had fell. My mom then says, "you should get a pregnancy test" and all I could think was, "what for?!". That had to be about the farthest thing from my mind.

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my regular meds and stared at the boxes of pregnancy tests for a few minutes. I decided to just get one thinking to myself why am I wasting my money on another one of these after all these years and how stupid I will feel when it was a waste. We were heading to my baby brother's in San Diego that week and so I thought I would just wait until we got back. But somehow, the morning of Sept. 1st, I took a deep breath and lifted up the test to find not only was it very positive but that the "you took the test, now wait a few minutes" indicator window had not even registered yet. Ever have those moments when time just seemed to stand still but you feel like you've just been ran over by a truck and you're still trying to figure out what just happened?!

I can't say exactly all the thoughts and feelings that were running through my mind but somehow I was trying to convince myself that it had to be a false positive. Maybe it was my meds, or my fall, or just my body's release from the intense workouts I had been doing. And then it was my one sided conversation with God, "are you kidding me..., now..., after 14 years...? I'm not to my weight goal yet, this can't really be happening" and so on. And then I bawled - a lot!

I spent several hours that morning looking up every possible combination of medicines, my fertility conditions, activity and whatever I could think of that would cause a false positive. Guess what, you all probably already know this but it's the false negatives you have to worry about. If it's positive, it's positive. I called my friend Lara in tears asking if she knew of a high risk ob/gyn and trying to sort out my intense shock with her. I knew I had to have a blood test to believe it so I called the Dr's office and even after explaining my history, they said they didn't see new patients until their 10th week. I explained I was taking med's that I know I wouldn't be able to take if I was pregnant and I needed to know for sure that was the case. So they had me come in and fill out a novel of paperwork and sent me to the hospital lab for the bloodwork. I was sitting in the chair while the tech was drawing my blood and just kept telling her I was infertile. She said, "well, hon, they want a full pregnancy panel as well as the test which shows how far along you are". And I say, "But, I'm infertile!" "Good luck" she says and plasters a bandaid on my arm and sends me on my way.

I went back to the Dr's office to talk to the nurse about my medications. I'm still trying to convince them I'm infertile so she asks if I wanted to do another urine test. Of course, I did. She dips it in, pulls it out and says, "Congratulations, you're pregnant! Oh, and your due date is May 11, 2010!" A DUE DATE?!! I wasn't even thinking about that! The blood tests the next day confirm it again, hcg levels at 319.

Unbelieveable. We head to San Diego and I'm still in denial. I wasn't about to give up my workouts just yet and so remained quite active there. Biking, boogie boarding, walking all over Sea World, riding the rides, we did it all. And I was cramping the whole time. Among all my research, I didn't see any reason why I shouldn't keep working out. Besides our parents, my brother and his wife are the first to find out.

Week 3 - August 24th - A Miracle Takes Place

No wonder I kept falling, losing my balance and got lightheaded after a massage?! How a little embryo was able to find a place to implant where there was no scar tissue with my severe endometriosis is beyond anything I can imagine...

Do You Believe in Miracles?

Years Married - 14
Years Before Seeking Fertility Dr - 5
Years of Fertility Treatments, no success - 1
Years on Adoption List - 3
Years with Jackson and getting to hear "I Love You Mom!" - 5
Number of All-Positive Pregnancy Tests to Actually Believe Results- 3

Number of Weeks waited through cramps, bleeding and high anxiety of loss to announce our news - 13
First time 35 year old expectant mother and miraculously still expecting - Priceless....

I think this video is such a strong message of how so many women have felt. Each message written on those posters has a significant meaning in my life. Jackson's birthmom wasn't a teenager when she had him but the meaning is still there.

Would you believe I'm now in my 13th week of pregnancy? We have felt the whole gammet of emotions and ran the ups and downs of a high risk first trimester but I can hardly believe how wonderful this miracle is and couldn't be more excited...and scared!!

I've been writing posts each week as our adventures had begun and I now can finally post them and will over the next few days. I will say when I first found out, I wasn't thrilled. It may have had more to do with how focused I was on losing my weight and this came so unexpectantly, we certainly weren't trying! It took me several weeks to wrap my head around the reality and then we thought we lost the baby. You really don't know how much you care about something until it's taken away (or presumably so!). And now I'm at a point that I would do anything and everything to keep this baby safe and well. I guess you could say, "I Would Die For That"!

Feeling Fine, Really...

Just updating my blog to those who are wondering where I've been. I'm still here and happy to say that at least my weight hasn't gone up or down. I haven't been able to train much since the end of August due to a trip to San Diego and an unusual health condition that has caught me off guard. It isn't anything life threatening (we hope!) but nothing we can confirm for another month to see what develops. For my close family and friends who have been informed, THANK YOU for your thoughts and prayers. Please keep them coming, we are remaining hopeful that all will turn out well.

As far as training goes, I am going crazy not being able to go. It would definitely be beneficial for my condition in the long run but the Dr. says to hold off if my body is saying no. And I'm dang tired of my body telling me no!! When I do, I have to limit my exercise daily total to only 1 hour and keep my heartrate below 160. I'm hoping for next Monday. It will have been 2 1/2 weeks since I worked with Steve and got moving again. I hope it doesn't feel like I'm starting all over!! At least I won't be starting 40 pounds heavier like I was in May!!

Oh and I hope everyone gets their flu shots! Both the regular and the swine flu! I have to wait a few weeks on both but everyone in the house (except Scott who is allergic to eggs) will be getting theirs! If I get the swine flu, the Dr. says it will worsen the condition! Stay away if you're sick!!

Time to Give This Another Try...Stay Tuned!

Will give this another go...Stay Tuned!

My starting weight is where I was around the end of April 2009. Look at it go....! Can you guess what's chasing that ant? Stay tuned...

This weight is taken around 6 PM in the evening and with all my workout clothes on so I would imagine it would be less in the morning and buck naked. But who wants to see that?!!! Not even me!

Unscheduled Training Interruption

Ya, know. You start getting strong and don't even realize it until you've pushed your limits. Saturday, I crashed a few times on my rollerblades and came away with a little road rash on my left calf. Every time I fell, I just couldn't stop laughing. I was surprised how much it didn't hurt even though I once landed fairly hard.

Thankfully, I had a massage scheduled with Jeremy later that day knowing I was going to push it hard that week. Jeremy has been working with me since I started training and I feel so fortunate our paths have crossed. He is working on getting his Physical Therapy degree and is not only a great guy but so knowledgable and fantastic at what he does. I've been getting massages every other week, but had started adding in another week once my workouts were intensifying. And these are not the relaxing, take-it-easy, so-nice-you-want-to-fall asleep kind. If you ever have had a deep tissue massage, then you know what I mean. And he can pinpoint those areas that have been really worked. I know because most of the time I'm trying not to hold my breath and ignoring the pain!! Some areas are worse than others depending on the week, but my left shoulder and neck really hold a lot of tension.

Scott, Jackson and I later that day took a hike up to the Y Mountain in Provo. I've climbed Mt. Timpanogos many a time but that was my first trip to the Y. I was a bit surprised how steep that hike became but I guess if you climb 1000 feet in elevation in 1 mile, that would make sense. Jackson did fairly well but my rock star hubby ended up hiking up about half the trail with Jackson on his shoulders. And he would even stop and let Jackson sit in his shadow to rest in the shade a bit. This man rocks my world!!

Tuesday, Scott and I planned on biking the Provo River trail from our house starting at Utah Lake and heading down to the mouth of Provo canyon and back. Scott was pulling Jackson in the bike trailer and we were making good time even stopping for Jackson to play at a few playgrounds on the way. Heading back, we had to pull off the trail where they had been doing some construction and as I was pulling back onto the trail, my front tire hit the lip between the road and the ramp going up and I slid across the pavement. Yes, I had my helmet on, but not my bike gloves and it was a hot day so my shorts and t-shirt provided no protection.

I thought the road rash from my rollerblading falls looked cool, this was 10 times worse and hurt!! I had black pavement all over my right leg and arm but I also left a lot of skin on the trail. There were huge gashes on my palms and my right knee. But I think the worst part set in quickly, my knee and leg stiffened up right away. I know my head hit the pavement and my neck was throbbing. Scott had disconnected my jammed front brake and we started back up the hill. We only got a few blocks before I couldn't ride anymore. I was shaking and bleeding. I'll leave out the rest of the gory details but I did finally get home thanks to a stranger taking Scott home to get our car. While I waited, I walked around hoping it would help my leg loosen up but mostly because I was just ticked! All I could think about was losing the momentum in my training and gaining back some of my weight.

Long story even longer, I had to make the phone call to Steve on Wednesday morning (when I woke feeling like I had been ran over by a truck!) to tell him we couldn't train that day. I'm not sure if he was upset but I was told I was banned from anything with wheels. And we will start back on Monday.

So grateful again for Jeremy, he was my lifesaver and we bumped up my weekend massage appointment to Thursday. Ibuprofen is good for a few hours but I was not sleeping well as any way I turned just shot more pain through me! I was very lightheaded and a bit nauseous after he worked out all those kinks but I finally was able to go home and sleep!

I haven't gone this long without working out for months. Monday will be interesting....

Training Session #31 - A Loss is a Loss

The measurements:
Caliper Bi - 15.2
Caliper Tri - 1
Caliper Sub - 26
Caliper Iliac - 20.9
Body Fat % - 34.4
Neck - 13.5
Chest - 43.5
Upper Arm - 11.75
Forearm - 9.8
Waist - 36
Hip - 45
Thigh - 23.7
Calf - 15.1
Weight - 191

Biggest accomplishment: Ok, so there is a reason I have a trainer. 'Cause I try to make sense of what I do and I just don't get it. After busting it big time last week, I am dissappointed not to see my body fat go down hardly at all. But after I entered all the info into a spreadsheet I've been keeping, I didn't realize that I was down over 2 inches overall - mostly in my hips and waist. And 5 pounds. I can deal with that.

I've been a bit concerned how high my heart rate has been while I've been doing the stair stepper at the intensity Steve has wanted me to. I have always been told if you keep it in the fat burn zone you'll burn more fat. I just need to stop worrying and trust the professional I work with. See the truth here: Heart Rate Zone or here or here.

The way I see it is that you will burn more percentage of fat calories with a lower intensity. But you'll burn more calories at a higher rate even though the percentage of what you burn isn't all fat calories, you're still burning more calories overall. There are many calculators but I'm sure the most accurate would be one tested by a Dr. My heart rate monitor actually has my limits exactly like when I put in my stats with the calculators:

Maximum Heart Rate (Calculated) = 184.5 % of Maximum Heart Rate Reserve*
100% - 184.5
95% - 175.3
90% - 166.0
85% - 156.8
80% - 147.6
75% - 138.4
70% - 129.1
65% - 119.9
60% - 110.7
55% - 101.5

Now I no longer have the excuse that my heart rate is too high. Crap...

Training Session #30 - Stronger than the Average Bear?

So, I've been running those stairs at BYU every morning like I planned and high tailing it from one class to the other. Also remaining consistant on my cardio, and swam laps for an hour yesterday. I am starting to get a bit fatigued but dang, I want to see results next Monday!

We have been fairly cool the past few weeks and the temps are starting to climb again. I think I sweat out more water than I could put in at today's workout. (So not a fan of hot temperatures, I can't believe how many summers I worked at Lowes in the heat and dirt!) Steve was really excited about what we were going to do. That always gets me very worried! Stepups, Ok, quads are already a bit tired but OK. Then a circuit of prisioner squats, side lunges and half lunges, yeah, now I'm really feeling it. Half stepups and then a new walking lunge with the ball. I'm dying at this point. My shirt is soaked completely through and I'm ready to prove to Steve I had lunch. But, Oh no, there's more... Bear crawls.

I found an article about bear crawls and can say they are 100% correct!

If you are short on time, there is no better way than using a bodyweight circuit.
One exercise is the Bear Crawl, this is a very demanding and result producing exercise that is long forgotten.
The Bear Crawl will give you a great fat burning and muscle building workout, most people will have a tough time Bear Crawling for 30 seconds.
The Bear Crawl will build an athletic and stronger body in record time, and will develop total body awareness.
The Bear Crawl will work the whole arm ( fingers, wrist, forearm, bicep, triceps,) the shoulders, back, chest, neck, abs, thighs, hamstrings, calves, not to mention working the cardiovascular system hard, in only seconds.
The Bear Crawl will burn fat while building incredible strength and muscular endurance.
To do the Bear Crawl you don't need a lot of space, just a few feet, than get down on all fours and walk and run like a bear.
Start out slow, take your time and get amazing results doing a simple but very effective exercise.
If you decide to add Bear Crawls into your workout you will know what a workout is.
So try this simple but effective workout :
Bear Crawl for 30 seconds rest 30 seconds continue for 5 minutes... if you can.

The only thing they didn't mention is that you can't have your rear in the air like this little cutie. No, no, no!!! We did them so the knees and tops of your feet skim the floor and you keep your hips down as you move! And just when I thought I was done after bear crawling across the gym room length 4 times with pushups in between, we then did calf raises and ab crunches on the ball. Oh me, oh my. I'm wondering how I was possibly going to get in my stair climbing that day because I was through, done, spent, over. Guess what?...I did it anyway!

Measurements on Monday. Oh please, let them be good!

Training Session #29 - Students Have No Excuses

Wow, I am tired today! I'm attending BYU Education Week this week starting today and had an interesting encounter. The parking there is horrendous and I ended up parking on the far southwest side of campus where the overnight RV parking is. Since I don't know the campus very well (sadly, I never attended), I didn't realize that hurrying to my first class at 8:30 in the morning that I would have to run up a hill of stairs, in flip flops. And I had to run because (as always and to be expected), I was late. Well, I'm sure when I was 35 pounds heavier I probably would have passed out at the top. But I actually passed a somewhat heavy teenager. I'm certainly no James Bond but definitely feeling the difference!

And then you had to run to your next class because they fill up so fast that sometimes they turn people away from the full classrooms. Not as much running today since the classes are more in the same area but I've forgotten what it's like to hurry from one class to another. Although I was very antsy sitting for the time during the class, I hoofed it to the next, as much as you can in flip flops. And I packed all my food according to my plan so I was set.

I'm going to park at the same place the rest of this week and get in some short cardio time in the mornings, and wear my running shoes. Was thinking that if there were students who couldn't find time to exercise, they could just arrive for school a bit earlier (see, yeah, that wouldn't work for me!) and run up those stairs every morning!

Today's workout was huge, now that I look at all we did! I was a bit tired from running all day but pushed through it as much as I could.

Training Session #28 - Great Horny Toads! My Biscuits are Burnin'!

Problem #1 - Go waterskiing the day after a big ab workout (Mon)
Problem #2 - 2 weeks of most of my cardio on the stairclimber

Result - My abs, my butt, my calves and hamstrings are begging for mercy! I even woke up early in the morning in so much pain and had to get some ibuprofen. We had to nix some of the ab work today because Steve thinks I must have torn my abs a bit. I don't think my massage on Friday will come soon enough!!!!

"Yeow!! Ow! My biscuits are burnin'! Fire in the hatch! Great horny toads, that smarts!

Training Session #27 - You Take the Good, You Take the Bad...

Why, oh why, did I decide to give in and eat pizza this weekend? And why after 5 days of heavy cardio, including 3 days with the stair stepper do I still look like Natalie from the "Facts of Life"!!!!???? Yeah, yeah, I know, she has a great personality (so many of us FAT girls do) Whaaahh! - (insert extremely whiney voice) When will I ever look like Blair but with Jo's coolness!? I want it and I want it NOW!

All joking aside, this weeks measurement results were like a punch in the stomach. I'm fairly sure subconsciously I thought that because I worked so hard on my cardio, a little pizza wouldn't hurt. Of course, that was a little pizza on top of not eating the rest of my food for a large part of the week. Add more fat to starvation and increased cardio and I'm sure my body was holding onto it for dear life. I've got to work through this awful relationship I have with food. I really have to force myself to eat. I think if I actually pulled everything I need to eat together each night, already prepared like my mom does to take to work, I could probably get through it. I just get going through my day and forget.

I would call today's training an hour version of bootcamp basic training. Lots of kicks, jumps, squats, held positions and pushups. Steve had two new forms of torture (dang, he had a new "torture" word today and now I've forgot it!) One is an exercise called squat thrusts. You know, jump into crouch, jump back into a pushup position, jump back to crouch and then jump up. And the other was like a reverse bridge where you balance on your back on the disc with your butt up, knees up and together, feet on the floor somewhat extended and hold that for what felt like FOREVER! I think I'll be feeling those tomorrow!

And after bootcamp I had 40 minutes of bonding time with Mr. Stair Climber. My hamstrings are screaming and actually were before I started! Good thing I have a massage scheduled this week, I'm gonna need it!

The BAD - The measurements:
Caliper Bi - 15.6
Caliper Tri - 18.8
Caliper Sub - 26.1
Caliper Iliac - 21.4
Body Fat % - 34.6
Neck - 13.5
Chest - 43.5
Upper Arm - 12
Forearm - 10
Waist - 36.75
Hip - 45.7
Thigh - 23.8
Calf - 15.3
Weight - 196

THE GOOD - Biggest accomplishment: Despite the fact that hardly nothing moved, including my body fat, my hips were down almost a whole inch. Weird. Steve tried to convince me that this still wasn't a plateau since there was some movement but I'm not buying it.

Met one of Steve's other clients who had lost a lot of weight, had rebounded and was taking another go at it. Got me thinking pretty hard but that's a story for another day...

Training Session #26 - I Just Think Steve is Great!

So, today and the past few days have been a whirlwind. Stampin' Up! is having their annual demonstrator convention. Although I'm not attending convention itself, I do enjoy getting together with my demo friends and sharing swaps and ideas. Since I've started training with Steve, I've slowly been spending less time stamping, crafting and blogging about it. I'm sure I'll never stop crafting because art is so much a part of me and normally, I really enjoy it. But, I had to have some swaps done for a dinner on Tuesday night with my Stampin' Addicts sisters (love ya!) and waited until the last minute to get those done. I was up Monday night and into the wee morning hours of Tuesday. Tuesday night came so fast, I had one set of swaps that still didn't get completed. I then drove home after the dinner, got together supplies for an all day meetup with the sisters on Wednesday, tried to finish the swaps and by 2 AM, decided I just needed to go to bed. I tossed and turned all night (or should I say, morning) and maybe got 2 hours of sleep, I get so stressed and anxious when I'm not prepared like I want to. In the meantime, I'm hardly eating, by that I mean maybe a yogurt in the morning and something small at dinner. Yeah, I was depleted.

I got up early today to get to get myself and Jackson ready, take him to the sitter and head up to the Salt Palace. I didn't have time to pack things to snack on and had a hard time just eating the salad I got for lunch. Next thing I know, it's time to collect all my supplies and hit the road to get to my training (and I was looking forward to it all day even knowing that I would struggle from my lack of sleep and food!). Well, I'm not used to driving from SL in rush hour and was 1/2 hour late for training. My phone was in my stamp bag in the back of my Explorer and I was considering just pulling over in rush hour to call. I tell ya, every minute that ticked by past the time I was supposed to be there was killing me! I was feeling so bad as I have not missed a session yet and I really have an issue of respecting people's time and getting to places when I say I will. (as I also get very annoyed when people don't respect my time).

So very long winded today, that's what happens when I'm tired, I ramble. Long story short, I have a great trainer and I can still get through these workouts even on no sleep or food - and no, I don't recommend it!

Measurements next Monday.... and more stair stepping tomorrow, hooo- ray...

Training Session #25 - For the Love of the Game (of weight loss)

The pictures. Have I ever mentioned the pure agony for me to stand in front of a camera, on purpose? (I even avoid mirrors) But, I also had to have a photo for a scrapbook page that my stamping friends were exchanging. My mom was so great to stand in as the photographer with a difficult client, lots of eye rolling in between shots. The photo at the top is where I am now, the 2nd below was at my heaviest weight in April and the 1st below (lookie, you can see my collarbones!) was where I was before I started fertility treatments in 2000 - and where I intend to get back to. And I will. I still have that size 6 dress and will be anxiously working to post a picture of me in it again. (And yes, I've always been "chesty". Really, I don't understand those that want to "enhance" theirs, it's more a burden than anything!)

Today officially marks 12 weeks since we started training. I've lost 24 pounds, 12.14 inches, and about 4% body fat. I'm also down 35 pounds since April when I was at my heaviest.

Steve didn't want me to preview today’s workout (which I usually don't even want to know so I don't pysch myself out) but he had already named it. And for the love..., it was also killer core work. Tri plane lunges, ball squats on one leg, ham curls (Yowwch!), ab ball toss, prone bridges and much more! I'm actually hoping for more of this just because one of my goals is to be able to do full sit-ups and still be able to throw a medicine ball back and forth and not have to have my feet stabilized. And my waist is getting small but my lower abs just doesn’t want to give up the ghost! Glory, just go, will ya?! (Although, in the beginning, they just got in the way and I don't have that excuse anymore). Another goal, to have the tendon in my ankle define and just pop out. My mom and I have such different body types; I'm built more like my dad's family. But the thing I've inherited from my mom, cankles (you know, when you can't determine where your calves end and your ankles start). After the last set of ham curls, Steve told me to just hold the last one. He may have intended to add another layer of torture but he also pulled out his phone and took a picture of my calf and ankle. It was cool to see the definition forming in my calves and the ever-so-slightest indention in my ankles! (I'll have to snag that photo somehow!)

I would like to see better improvements for the next 12 weeks. I didn't realize it, but I was supposed to be doing cardio at least 5 times a week along with 3 days of weights. I was slacking a little on some days the past few weeks not because I didn't want to but it's just summer and busy. No more excuses, this week is the beginning of that routine. Steve says that doing the cardio after the weights is more beneficial. And what cardio does Steve think is the best?... That blasted stair climber! So today, I spent 40 minutes after our training with that evil machine. We're still not friends but at least now on speaking terms....

Training Session #24 - Oh Happy Day!

OK yes, I skipped blogging about Monday's workout. It was just one of those off days, and dang it, I should be allowed one every once in awhile. I just drug myself through the day and the workout and that's that.

BUT today...?!

cool myspace layouts

It's been almost 12 weeks since we started training with Steve and I'm finally under 200 pounds! I can't even remember the last time I was there, I'm guessing a least 6 years. And even better, I no longer have to shop in the Women's department and actually haven't for several weeks! (Which I'm incredibly happy about and no offense to those that can find some cute stuff, but I swear someone who hates fat people must be designing those clothes because they are hideous!!) I've been wearing a few size 16's that are already getting loose! 34 pounds down, 68 to go! I'm 1/3 of the way to my goal!

I've gotta say the contestants of the Biggest Loser are getting ripped off. I'm finding that the amount of weight you lose may or may not really show actual results as you can be losing body fat and inches but you are also gaining muscle which we all know weighs more than fat. If you're on the weight loss band wagon, make sure to take those measurements and don't gauge your progress on weight alone.

So, you all want to see the proof? Next Monday will be exactly 12 weeks and I will actually post a few photos - when I was at my highest weight, where I am now and my goal weight (which was where I was in 2000). This is a big deal as I absolutely hate seeing pictures of me. (Yes, it's a big pride issue. Working on it...) And it's very sad as there aren't that many in the past 10 years with me in them and Jackson is now 4 and won't have many pictures of me and him from the past few years in his scrapbook. But better times to come, he'll start thinking I'm the paparazi!

The measurements:
Caliper Bi - 15.9
Caliper Tri - 19.2
Caliper Sub - 26.4
Caliper Iliac - 21.6
Body Fat % - 34.8
Neck - 13.5
Chest - 44
Upper Arm - 12.1
Forearm - 10
Waist - 36.8
Hip - 46.6
Thigh - 23.7
Calf - 15.3
Weight - 198!!!!

Biggest accomplishment: I'm down nearly another whole percent body fat and another 1/2" off my hip and waist. My calves and thighs aren't moving but Steve wasn't concerned in the least. He's said because of the hard workouts lately, he doesn't want them to lose too quickly. Something about "it would look weird", OK, I'll take his word for it.

Training Session #22 - Whaattt?!?!

I don't even know where to take this one. I do know I better be more careful in challenging Steve before I'm turned into road kill. Although, I may have conquered this one if only...

My quads did get sore yesterday and that evening after I swam laps for about 40 minutes, I had a special bonding time with Mr. Bengay before I went to bed. But when I woke up this morning (after a very restless night, can't really pinpoint why), I can't even explain the pain I felt when I walked up the stairs and throughout the day. It really took me by surprise as Monday was definitely hard but I didn't think I would be feeling it this bad. Although, I only had soreness in my quads so I was feeling more confident about that. And I was stretching them a lot before we met up with Steve.

So today: little sleep, didn't get much food in as I was too tired, a highly motivated trainer ready to deliver "Bring It" II, sore qauds = me, shot down off my high horse and not so confident anymore. I wasn't going to tell Steve about my quads as I thought for sure I would be able to tackle another hard workout since it was only my upper legs that were hurting and surely he wouldn't hit that same area again twice in one week? What did he start out with? Um, yeah....leg extensions. (I tell ya, you can't keep anything from this guy!!!) I think that got me beat down from the start. We worked mostly upper body and shoulders and I struggled terribly through the last sets. I didn't realize that those muscles were actually a bit fatigued from Monday but might have been a combination of that and no energy from a lack of sleep or food. And I'm pretty sure Steve took out several things on the list as I was struggling - which is frustrating because again, he knows I could have done them. Steve asked if I didn't like feeling this sore and I didn't know how to answer. Yes, I want to feel like I'm working hard (want to look like it even more) and I like a good challenge but after having shin splints, I was worried that we would have to back off again to get my quads to recoup. The good news is that the shin splints was an injury that needed to heal but the quad soreness is just a side effect which should dissapate more quickly. Sounds promising to me!

Despite today, this is still the pace I'm up for. (I'll be curious to see where I'll be sore in the next few days). It is my nature to take this setback and use that as a measurement of all the time and work I've put in. I'm sure before when I allowed negative feelings to creep in and doubt my abilities, just that mindset took its toll by slowing my weight loss and measurements. But knowing is half the battle, right?! I know I was tired and didn't have the energy. And that's now all water under the bridge. (ha, said prior to more days of ice and bengay!) And it's not killing me which means I must be getting stronger! Gearing up for "Bring It" III !!

Training Session #21 - The "Bring It!" Workout

Steve affectionately labeled today's session "Bring It". I have to say I was a bit nervous since I already was told last week it was going to be tough. And Steve is a man of his word!

Let's see if I can remember everything (in hopes of looking back on this day of torture as a walk in the park). Walking lunges w/shoulder press, roman chair knee lifts and reverse lunges w/side lifts, standing rows (knee lifts and squat), standing lats, bench step ups w/alternating pushups, triceps with free weights, biceps with half squat, pushups on medicine ball, and situps while throwing medicine ball. All repeated mostly 3 times, with the treadmill and stair climber in between sets. It seems like I might have left something out as we did a lot. I don't know exactly what size weights were used (I do know the standing lats ended up with 70 pounds) as I just did each one as they came. Most taxed my muscles to the point of sheer exhaustion, I was out of breath much of the time, drenched from head to toe and pretty sure I was about to lose my lunch. I will say Steve was quite lenient on the recovery between sets (not to mention my mom was stalling as much as she could which gave me a little more time). He later told me he did that on purpose just because I've had two weeks of light work and didn't want to kill me off right away! And you know you've busted it big time when you walk out in 95 degree heat and it feels good. BUT...

I'm noticing my recovery time needed is getting shorter and once I stop a certain exercise, I haven't been feeling the fatigue I was experiencing before. I am writing this on the same day but no soreness yet. Steve says Wednesday will be a more difficult routine but I still feel up for it.

So Steve..... is that all ya got?!

Eating Whole Foods - It Only Makes Sense

It's amazing to me lately how the taste of foods have changed. Since I've nearly eliminated sugar, salt, processed flours and fats, when I give in and eat anything real high in any of them, they are so intense. It's like your taste buds become desensitized to those bad additives. My mom had prepared cabbage the other day and I could swear she added butter to it. Turns out she didn't, did you know cabbage has a buttery taste? And I've found that I'm trying new fruits and vegetables I used to turn my nose up at.

Check out this article I ran across: http://health.msn.com/nutrition/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100241585&page=1 . Make sure to check out the "find more" articles.

It only makes sense to eat foods in their true original form. And only makes sense that when foods are processed and altered to make them more convenient, we succumb our bodies to unnatural things which then result in the diseases that are overcoming our world! The PCOS I have has diabetic symptoms. I know diabetes can be reversible disease with diet, can you imagine if PCOS could be too?!

When it comes to nutrition, I like to keep it simple and a good balance. I can see how easy it would be to fall into trying to find supplements to reduce muscle fatigue, increase muscle size, add energy and on and on. I'm not going to consume large amounts of time worrying about things like if it's organic or not, if it's high or low in this or that nutrient or any other intense food analytics. Not that doing that isn't a good thing, I just fall into those people who would become obsessed with it. We all know that the statistics of today or yesterday change all the time and I always find myself wondering if it's really true. I do try to stay aware of what is good and bad just trying not to be a nutrition fanatic. (I have looked up a few beneficial foods and will post them on my sidebar)

I do believe everyone should take a good multivitamin. And eat whole foods and keep yourself properly hydrated with water. And I'm back to eating all my food that I'm supposed to. Feeling more energy and my weight is moving down again!
THE END

PS - If I start running marathons or becoming more of an athlete, I reserve the right to eat my words over being a "fanatic". We shall see...

Training Session #20 - Put Me in Coach!

Weds, July 15 - Steve wasn't kidding when he said to take it easy. I think this was the first time since the beginning of training that I felt like I hardly worked. I did struggle getting through the pushups which alternated moving your arm out (I can't remember what he called them but they were tricky!) and working on my hamstrings but I couldn't believe it when he said we were through. I even did chest presses with 25# free weights (those things looked enormous but weren't too bad!) and still was like, "what, we're done?!". I'm so ready to hit it hard again.

But... he said just wait because we're stepping it up next Monday. Something about circuit training with the only breaks being the time it takes to move to the next exercise. Sounds good to me (until I blog next week about how I felt like dying).

BRING IT!

Training Session #19 - Mama Says to Clean Your Plate

Monday, July 13 - Actually it was Steve who lectured me to eat my food. Major confession: I haven't been eating much. I just find myself going through the day and realize I need to eat. And it's usually because Jackson reminds me that he's hungry. Poor kid! But I know when one of the girls on the Biggest Loser wasn't eating, she started to plateau.

I'm pretty sure my body has gone into starvation mode because my measurements are showing it.

The measurements:

Caliper Bi - 16.9

Caliper Tri - 22.1

Caliper Sub - 27.8

Caliper Iliac - 22

Body Fat % - 35.7

Neck - 13.5

Chest - 44.25

Upper Arm - 12.12

Forearm - 10.12

Waist - 37.12

Hip - 47

Thigh - 23.25

Calf - 15.25

Weight - 202.5 (just 'cause I want to see the 202)

My biggest accomplishment: I was down almost 6 pounds but wondering how much of that was muscle. My body fat was only down 0.5% and my chest and neck didn't move. I'm hoping some of it is just because I'm on my monthly cycle (yeah, another secret I couldn't keep from Steve, dang it!) I hope I don't start to plateau, that would really be a bummer!

I did go easy on my cardio the rest of last week and didn't do any other weights. I was feeling a bit lazy not doing it but I'm ready to hit it hard again. My shins are not in pain anymore and I'm not feeling so tired. Steve says not yet, one more week and then we can.

Training Session #18 - Putting on the Brakes, Kind of

Weds, July 8th - It was decided today to take a few days and just take it easy. My shins are hurting and my muscles are fatigued. Although Steve must of meant take it easy - later as the workout still had me sweating! But we all can see what happens when things are not in line - it's just a big mess. I'm wasn't sure if I could do it. Basically, just go very light on Friday and Saturday.

Training Session #17 - OH My Shins

July 6, 2009 - What I'm really starting to feel is fatigue. Usually after a session, I will be sore the next day but then good as new 2 days after. Lately, it seems my muscles are sore and tight all the time and just exhausted. I've been taking care to not jog or run on my cardio days and sticking with spinning and swimming.

I was able to bust through all the exercises today but feel like a Rip Van Winkle type nap would be oh so nice! We did a few things that aggravated my shins a bit. My weight still seems to be staying the same so if those exercises will help, I can deal with a little pain! But Steve is cutting back on a few things this week to give me a break.

I've been going to a massage therapist about every 2 weeks for deep tissue massages. (If you are in Utah County and are looking for a good one, Jeremy is your man!) He had me purchase a book on stretching as my shoulders don't even give any movement. I've been fairly consistent on trying to stretch and my shoulders gave a little this last Friday. But they still need a lot of work as does my pect and lower back muscles.

I have to say how fortunate I am to find the right people who are helping me towards achieving better health and weight. Both Steve and Jeremy are very encouraging about the progress I have made so far. I think my brain doesn't want to celebrate too much as I know I have still have far to go. My mom, who sees me everyday, is always telling me how different I look. But I do need to recognize the hurdles I've already made it through - positive thinking, Amy, C'mon, you can do it!

Training Session #16 - My Three Chins

July 1, 2009 - Spent a large amount of the day out in the sun and heat with my Activity Day girls at Camp Jeremiah Johnson. This was probably the first day that I was out in the heat for the large portion of the day and was sweating like crazy! We've had such a cool and wet spring and it just barely is hitting in the 90's. The girls had a blast! I had to leave a bit early to get to the gym...

Afraid of the results. I knew my weight wasn't down much and was so scared for the measurements. As I was changing into my gym clothes, I noticed my legs and ankles were a bit swollen. You know those indentations that your socks leave, yep, present and accounted for. I hadn't had any edema since I started training. (Before, yes, LOTS and ever present!) I have been so conscious of keeping my diet extremely low-sodium so it just wasn't making sense.

The results: everything still went down except my neck, which went up! Whyyyy!!?? I was only down about 2 pounds over 2 1/2 weeks but fortunately, that was the last thing we measured. Biggest achievement - waist down another 1/2"! The caliper measurements are starting to get painful. He really has to pull at my skin to get a fold to measure as I have been so tight lately.

Caliper Bi - 17.9

Caliper Tri - 22.9

Caliper Sub - 28

Caliper Iliac - 23.8

Body Fat % - 36.2

Neck - 13.5

Chest - 44.25

Upper Arm - 12.5

Forearm - 10.12

Waist - 37.75

Hip - 47.75

Thigh - 23.7

Calf - 15.3

Weight - 208

Biggest accomplishment - I have consistantly been down 0.8% body fat each time and this time it was still 0.7%

I mentioned to Steve that lately my shins have been hurting alot, but especially that day. He took a look and noticed how swollen my legs were. Then he placed his thumb on my shin and pushed down on it little by little all the way down my shin - OH MERCY, OOUUUCHHHH! He said there was a lot of water that had pooled on my muscles. Conclusion: over exertion, my body hasn't acclimated to the heat, AND I'm not getting enough electrolytes - i.e. sodium and potassium. What....?! Really? I guess I've been a little too conservative on the sodium as I had depleted my body of electrolytes which then resulted in water retention. So crazy, it's a wacky balance where too much or too little have the same results. Solution: chugged a "Zero" sports drink when I got home, elevated my legs and iced all night. I'm still needing more info on this subject as it has me confused.

And I'm so frustrated with the small amount of weight that was lost. I've gotten to this point before and never can seem to get below 200 pounds. Steve is changing up the workouts a bit. I can pack on muscle quickly and not tire of the weights. But as soon as my heart rate starts to go up by cardio or circuit training, I have to rest a lot. Sounds like Steve wants me to bust through that fatigue as he says he needs all my cardio to really count now. Today, he wasn't giving me much time to catch my breath between sets. I was sopping wet when we were done!

Training Session #15 - Defying Gravity

June 29, 2009 - Mom was sick today and so it was just Steve and I. What that really meant was that my rest between sets was greatly reduced as he didn't have to show her what to do when I usually take a breather.

He is starting me on more combo type exercises. Meaning, we usually would do a push type exercise then a pull and back and forth. Now we're heading more into a push set followed by one or two more push exercises. The workouts certainly haven't gotten easier but I'm finding that I can do certain things that used to really seem impossible. Step ups on the bench and pushups are becoming less of a burden and I'm finding I don't dread it.

I wear my Wicked tshirt sometimes to work out in that says "Defying Gravity" on the back. Not so much today. He had me do a new bench exercise that I honestly didn't think I could do. Found out I could, but pushed myself too hard on the last set as my foot caught the side of the bench and I had a quick encounter with the floor. It did leave a few bruises on my legs but was more of an embarrassment than anything.

I think my self doubt and negative talk is taking a toll as my weight hasn't seemed to budge since the last weigh in.

A Healthy Obsession?

No training sessions for this post. Just a strange observation.

My husband and I went up to Jackson Hole and Yellowstone for the weekend to celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary. I even shocked myself about how bent out of shape I got when I found out the fitness center at the hotel we were staying at was closed down. Fortunately they had a pool. And get this, before we left, I grilled a bunch of chicken and froze it and cut up enormous amounts of veggies and fruit so that I didn't have to eat high fat/high sodium fast food. I had to throw out some the last day as they didn't have a fridge or microwave at the hotel either (Note to self: Never stay at the Grand Targhee Resort ever again: stinky moldy smell, hardly any amenities and poor service!) But Jackson and Yellowstone was as awesome as can be!

Training Session #13 & #14 - Can I Do It?

June 22nd and 24th, 2009 - I can sum up these sessions with one word - limitations. I know that Steve is a trained professional and I'm putting my trust in him that he has my health and safety in mind. Lately, he has been asking me to try exercises that would certainly show improvement in my strength and agility. But a few times, I doubt my abilities of whether I can do it and a few times just could not pull it off. I don't know why but I get scared and and tell myself I can't do it. In talking with Steve, he says he knows I can but that I'm telling myself I can't. It's so frustrating that he has more confidence in my abilities than I do and I get down on myself when I wimp out or just can't push it any further.

The exercises? Jumping up on a bench. I was so afraid of catching my toes on the edge and falling. I've seen women bigger than I doing it on the Biggest Loser. But it scared me!
We resorted to a jump on a machine that was no more than 4 inches high. Or taking the walking pushups futher with a split jump in between the pushup and the walk. This I could do, but not the distance he had first set.

I know my strength and abilities have improved enormously. I'm just frustrated...